XxMikhailxX's Vampire Journal

XxMikhailxX's Journal

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2 entries this month

Apr 2008 →

Not to confuse others
23:13 Mar 19 2008
Times Read: 563

I deleted an entry here it was rather pity party of me. Yes I do pity parties my own and I express them here as well. A good as any other place to have one yes? I added a Lyrics section as many times the words of others express my inner working as much as my own rambles do.

I have recently been going through a rough patch in my life brought on by myself. I suffer from a number of problems none of which I will pin on my mother. I although wonder about things like nature over nurture and how one effects the other and yes maybe I read to much, I am not kidding when I tell people here I am this shy of going off on others in a homicidal rage. I have rages and they can be very very very bad and many times after one I have no idea what I said or did other then to know I did something wrong.

I have a conscience see I can make decisions based on this conscience I am not however sure how to stop my other nature the one fostered by what happened to me as a child. People can say get over it its history yes it is history mine. I don't see a way around it at times. I know right now I am out of whack my meds are at an imbalance and I am far to paranoid to trust even the psych people . Bad , yes I know crazy doesn't mean you cant reason things out please paranoids do it all the time LMAO also doesn't mean I have no idea between what is right or wrong. I am not looking for a defense of actions. I haven't committed any crimes.

I fear the darker parts of myself admittedly the ones opened up by actions done to me when I was a child. I need help this I also know so I am writing this out trying to purge the venom of a history of abuse.

I want to rail and scream. I want to hit and hurt I want to kill even although the one and only person at this time it would hurt would be myself the person I really want dead is already dead. I found I like life to a certain extent. I want to exorcise the demons of my childhood you just don't pack away the memories and say oh well nothing can be done about it.

I want to be a WHOLE person not a shell, I don't want to sit the sidelines of life and never know life. I do believe I can become a whole person I have HOPE see that was one thing he couldn't ever stop in me.

He couldn't excise (cut out) from me HOPE a stupid four letter word. Hope that some day I might make him happy or proud of me weird huh. I wanted to make my abuser proud of me the hurt little child wanted simple things from a person who was supposed to protect me from people like himself.

Call this what you want, drama another pity party, others out there will understand what I am saying here and then there are the empath's that will feel my pain. To them I am sorry because you guys don't deserve to feel the extreme emotional distress from someone you don't even know really.

You never knew the person that abused me and because of him I have trust issues and rage issues name um I got um