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Matthew.



Today marks 5 years since you left.



I have been processing this a lot this year with the classes I have been in, as well as therapy, which may be why this wound feels so fresh and painful.



Some days I am angry at you. Angry that you could be so stupid as to do what you did and cause your life in the process. Sometimes I am angry at Chelle for letting you go out that night. But mostly... mostly, I am mad at myself.



Why was I so mad at you the day before? Why couldn't I just be a fucking empathetic human and be there for you when you needed me. What if that would have changed things? What if I could have saved you? What if you were still around today?



Those thoughts often keep me awake at night.



Please just know that I love you, and I miss you every day. There was so much of this world that I wanted to share with you. And so much I know you would have shared with me too.



"If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself. I would find a way".