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I dont know what to do anymore.

Last night after a year my husband says we need to sell our house and live mroe with in our means, but he MADE me get this house when i said we couldnt afford it. so did my grandmother, because she is so Man dominated.. you know they are rearely wrong rite?!?!?! I feel like im about to cross a lot of lines in my marriage and my life to get what needs to be done done,.

When we left the getto i was so happy.. i was tired of the police chases threw the front yard and the kids who hurt the elderly, and rape the children, becausde it happens to much where i used to live. I dont want to have to stand on my porch anymore and hold my AK high to the gangs and say get the fuck off my lawn. I dont want to have to fight everyday that way. I got no problem being the horrendus bitch from hell... as i was known by my mom when i had to chase off the fuckups. When i lived on the north side i was the hook up i had to play the hard game, everyday, there was no taking a walk around the block, there was no playing in the front yard. we never had halloween because every year someone would try to push there way in someones house and at least one kid got hit by a car for as many years as i can rember aside from the no candy thing there is in the getto.

I am dont with that no matter what i have to do.

A long time ago in a differn life when i was in a bad siduation before i met my husband i had 2 elderly grandparents to takecare of, i had a daughter to takecare of and no one but me to do it. My mom and dad dont give out money, jsut services. So i did a lot of things that a lot of people wouldnt like me for in cluding my husband who i love truely love.

I was a Domimatrix. 135 a hour, bouncer came with, i never had sex or oral, in anyway... just what you know, making pain and fantasy come to fruition with out complet damage and with that spiecal talent that anyone out there who dose it for them selves knows.

I am at that point again. If i could id cut off my TV and computer , ive already gotten ride of my phones, sold my best jewlery, and made a FLOP at ever crat fair i have went too. I have put my asss on the line and sold thing i souldnt sell.

I DO WANT TO DO RITE BY THEM.

So bad.

I dont want to take my daugter who is a becon of light in this world, and but her back in the Destitude of where wer were. My grandmother cant make another move it would kill her. i know it. shes so week,

out of despatration im going to call a few all nite places who would hire me to rent out movies or what nots, back to theporn. I never wanted to go back, he dosnt know never will. because he ahtes it, sex is sacred so diffrent to him that it has ever been to me. am i a whore? i dont care, we all are in some way. I cant put logic to these feelings, desparation has taken over it seems like. the 20 bucks i got for this site was a gift form a friend, the beer i drank last night was from a friend, and all i can do or them back is feed them food and let them hang at my house.

I wish i could have something more. i ready my cardfs last ngiht and it was so fucking accurate that i woke up chunk, my hubby, and he even said wow. and he dosnt think there real

My cards waned me from the path i know i am goiong to go down. what are my iobsitcals??? IMMORAL WOMEN, and preverse natre

should i even pay heed to the damn things?????

what did it say i should know to grow? AVOID THE MAterial domination ... i dont knwo what to do anymroe, im just gonna go now and try to figure out what the hell im going to do..

i worte this for my self. because after all this is personal entries, but if anyone out there ever reads this, and has something other to say than, your stoupid, and foolish, let me know. to say the least. im at the end of my rope.

If we have to leave here the dynamics of my life will changes so drasticly that i am afraid i will become a monster just to get the family in order

I need to think

i need to be more than i am

i need a lot and i dont know what else to do.

i hope i dont lose him or anyone else in the transations to come

i love them all and i dont knwo what to do/