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I am really excited for Halloween tomorrow! I will be taking my daughter trick or treating for the first time ever, it will be a lot of fun! She will be dressing up as a cute unicorn. She has worn the costume a couple times this month. She is just too damn cute in it that I couldn't resist putting it one her.

Hopefully we get some trick or treaters come tomorrow night as well. I bought a huge box of candy to hand out to the kids. I even went all out and decorated the out side of my place. I spent a little too much on the decorations, but it was so worth it! Halloween is my favorite time of the year by far!

I cannot believe how close it is to being the end of the year and the start of 2017! It is really scary to think about. It feels like the year has gone by in the blink of an eye. Where has the time gone?!

I cannot seem to get to sleep tonight. Usually I have no issue passing out after a long day of work. I worked 6 hours today and then went grocery shopping because we were officially out of food. I bought some healthier foods this time in hopes of making some good meals for my daughter. I am going to make a good effort on making good meals.

I really miss my boyfriend tonight and wish he were home already from work. I feel as if I haven't been spending enough time with him the past couple days. I really want to cuddle with him and be close to him right now.

Currently I am sitting in the living room relaxing and trying to unwind before trying to go back to sleep again. I took a natural sleeping aid in hopes that it will make me sleepy. I have been having to take this sleeping aid the past few days in order to sleep. I hate that I cannot get to sleep on my own lately. It is beginning to frustrate me a lot and causing me to become more depressed and anxious.

I am finding myself becoming more anxious lately and I hate it. I have been struggling to make eye contact with the opposite sex the past few months and it is only getting worse. I have not had this issue for years, and not it is suddenly resurfacing now. I hate it so very much and wish that I did not have this issue and fear of the opposite sex. This fear stems from traumatic experiences I had as a child and the memories still haunt me to this day, and more than likely always will. It is a part of my past that I just have to accept and move on from. I have gotten a lot better than from what I used to be. I used to have panic attacks about it every couple months, but haven't had those lately.

I wish I could over come this fear.. I do not want to be scarred forever from these horrible things that were done to me as a child. They are done and over with and I need to just move on already..

Quitting smoking seems to be the never ending journey for me. I have been trying to quit smoking for 2 years now and still have not been successful in doing so. I have looked up some tips and tricks for quitting and will be trying out what the website suggested. I have set a date for when I will quit smoking completely, and that is on my 22nd birthday.

I can do this! I know I can. I am stronger than this addiction to nicotine. I do not need cigarettes to help manage my stress, I am stronger than that. I need to find other, healthier things to do when I am feeling stressed or upset. Like drawing, painting, reading, playing video games, or exercising. There are so many things other than smoking that I can do when stressed.

My boyfriend and I have had the biggest argument ever, this morning. There was yelling, throwing of things, hurtful things said and tears. It all started over the stupidest thing as well. I had asked for some money to pick myself up a pack of cigarettes and he said no. I started crying and asking "Please I really need this, I am feeling stressed." He said no again and that is when the argument blew up. I wont go into details but a lot of horrible things were said from both of us.

We made up and figured things out, but I am still feeling a bit hurt from what was said. I feel as if I ruined his birthday, I shouldn't of reacted the way I did to being told no, regardless of how shitty I was feeling. I was in the wrong, and I feel horrible about it. I apologized a lot, I hope he forgives me. He said he forgives me and that he is no longer mad, I hope that is true.

I fucked up big time today. I need to get my temper under control and need to learn to keep my big mouth shut. I have a bad tendency to throw every mistake he has ever made in his face when we argue, and that is not right at all.

I've been watching a lot of documentaries tonight about mummification in ancient times and even in more recent times. This one documentary was talking about surgeons in England in the 1800's and how they would need bodies to practice on and to even mummify for studies and later on for museums. It was horrifying how they would come to get these bodies. There were men who would wait for bodies to be buried in the cemetery and then would dig up said bodies and sell them to the surgeons. People would even take children off the street, kill them, and then sell their remains to surgeons as well. This is horrible and terrifying. Makes me think of the traveling body exhibit that has come to my city twice now. Have those bodies been obtained illegally as well? Were they taken off the streets and killed for the sake of being displayed and for money? I've heard rumors that the bodies at the Body World exhibit have been illegally obtained in Asian countries, especially in China. I really hope these rumors are false and that the bodies were willfully donated to science and not stolen or killed.

Just some food for thought I guess.

I have finally gotten over the depression I was feeling for a week and a half. It was killing me from the inside out. I felt so depressed and yucky, but now I am feeling a 100% better. My boyfriend and I have been closer the past two days, and it has been really nice. I missed cuddling with him and missed being close. I love him so very much, even though we have had our struggles. All relationships have rough patches, and we have made it through strong.

Today I have been relaxing and watching TV shows while my daughter has been napping. Tonight I am going over to my parents house to spend time with my father. We are going to watch some of our favorite TV shows that he records for us. I have missed my dad. I haven't been able to spend time with him for a couple weeks now because I've been busy with work or was feeling too depressed.

Wednesday my boyfriend and I will be going on a date for the first time in a couple months now. I am super excited to go out for dinner and drinks with him. He said the restaurant is a surprise. I hope I like the place he has chosen! I am a bit picky with what I eat.

Today I've been hiding in the bedroom, sleeping and coloring. I am feeling quite depressed and under the weather today. I have had a wicked head ache all day and Tylenol hasn't been helping at all. I do not know why I am feeling this way, but I am. My boyfriend has been playing video games and keeping an eye out for Audrey all day. I hate feeling this way so much. I want to feel good and happy, but that doesn't seem to be the case today.

I think the fluctuation with the weather may be what is messing me up so badly. My body has been aching, cracking and been having a lot of head aches and dizziness lately. I hate not being myself and being healthy.

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Liliancat
06:45 Oct 13 2016

Lately I hear from many that they are under the weather. The change from summer to Fall usually cause melancholia and depression. Plus soon we are having a full moon. Sometimes it cause us full mood swings.

You are not the only one facing it dear and I hope soon you will feel better so you can be with your bf and daughter that miss you.

Ill have you in my prays full.

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Night time brings anxiety and discomfort. I am sitting here in the living room sipping a rum cooler, listening to some Marilyn Manson. My head pounds and my body aches. I can hear my daughter in her bedroom babbling as she winds down in her crib, trying to fall asleep as it is her bed time.

My body feels as if it is burning up from the alcohol entering my system. My head is spinning from all the thoughts I am having. I feel irritable and on edge and do not know what to do with myself. Only a few sips in and the alcohol is already going to my head. My muscles slowly relax and let go from the day of work. So many thoughts, so many words.

I am enjoying my alone time before the boyfriend gets home from work. I do not feel like being around anyone at this time. I am enjoying the peace and quiet. Work has caused me unneeded stress and agitation. Words, words, words.

Nothing I write matters, it changes nothing. Nothing I say or do makes any difference. I am just a single person among the many in this world. I do not want to get lost in the crowd, I do not want to be a no body that no one will ever remember. I want to be remembered. I want to mean something to the people of the world. I am stuck in a dead end job, with no education other than high school under my belt. Not that education means anything these days. People with degrees and such, are jobless in this world. Once, having an education of good quality would guarantee you a job in your chosen field. HAHA not anymore.

Thoughts, so many thoughts.

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Tristesse
04:59 Oct 10 2016

"Night time brings anxiety and discomfort."



I experience the same thing. Every night... it seems as though I go through a manic phase. I find that just taking a walk outside helps clear my head and general agitation. :)

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Tomorrow is thanks giving here in Canada, and I am really looking forward to having dinner with my boyfriend, daughter and a couple of our close friends. Yesterday I bought all the things we need for turkey dinner tomorrow. I picked up some alcohol today as well.

We are going to brine the turkey so it is nice and yummy. I am boiling the brine water now. I hope all turns out well food wise. I want to have yummy food and fun with my friends and family.

Work has cut now hours a lot the past week. I only got 40 hours and usually I would get double that. I am not impressed at all. This next paycheck is going to be very small!

Today I bought some more Harley Quinn comic books, I am so excited to read them. They look awesome!

Today Audrey and I went to the pet store. We went to the fish section and she was fascinated with the beta fish. She kept pointing at this red one and was talking gibberish at it. So, I decided to buy Audrey her first pet! she loves watching him swim around. I thought it would be a fun thing for her and I to bond over. Sure she cant take care of it herself, but it will be a fond memory for me to look back on in the future.

I got him this lovely big tank with fancy rocks, a plant and a little Buddha statue. It is a really nice set up and he loves it. It is significantly bigger than the tiny plastic container the pet store had him in. I always feel terrible for the beta fish because they are stored in the tiniest containers possible. All the fish look so sad and depressed. One can argue that they are simply fish and do not feel emotions, but the fact that the fish we bought appears a lot happier in his new tank than how he appeared in his tiny one at the store convinces me that they have some sort of emotion or feeling. Anyways, I got a little off topic there and probably made no sense.

I have always loved beta fish. I have had many over the years and have always loved their unique personalities that they all seem to have. I had one beta fish names Mani, that I simply adored. He would follow my finger against the side of the tank. He was an interesting pink and white coloring.

It feels nice to have a beta fish in the house again!

So last night I downloaded an app on my phone that counts my calories so I do not over eat. My goal calorie wise per day is 1,550 calories. I think it is pretty do able!

I did some exercise today, which I am pretty proud of. I did 10 push ups, 8 leg lifts, and 10 squats. I know it isn't much, but It is a start at least! I will gradually increase my work out every day until I am happy with my work out.

140 pounds here I come!!

Finally my waist trainer corset has arrived! I've been wearing it all day and absolutely love it. It arrived in the mail yesterday and I couldn't wait until today to start wearing it. The corset makes my stomach look amazing. My stomach is back to the size I was before having my daughter when I wear it. I have been wanting one forever and finally had enough money to purchase one.

Now I just need to start eating better and working out so I no longer need the waist trainer to be this small. I cannot wait for that day to come. It will take time, but I can do this. I have already lost 90 pounds over the past year since having my daughter. Now all I need to lose is 30 more pounds. I can do this, I know I can. When I put my mind to something, I get it done!

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Morganna777
15:21 Oct 06 2016

I was interested to know what style and make you purchased... I am looking into this as well... If you would be so kind as to PM me it would be greatly appreciated and good luck! Perhaps once I get mine we could be moral support for each other!

Thank you,

Lady Morganna

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If I were to set up an Etsy account to sell my paintings, would anyone be interested in buying some? I have started the process of making an Etsy account and am just wondering if it is worth the effort or not.

I will post some photos of my paintings in my Portfolio if you would like to check them out!

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KieaCakes
00:29 Oct 04 2016

It's only 20 cents per emtry every month. I sell crochet on Etsy amd more people from the UK visit my shop than not. Worth it to me.

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What's new with me?

I have been making more Younique makeup videos and posting them on my facebook account.

My hours have been cut significantly at work, which is really frustrating and stressful. I really like working at this restaurant and dont want to have to find another job else where. I want to stay where I am preferably.

My relationship with my boyfriend has been much better. We have been intimate and have been spending time together when we are not working. I am much much happier now when it comes to him and I.

Having another child has been on my mind a lot and I do not know why. I have been having dreams about another child. In the dreams I cannot tell the gender of the child, but I can feel the child as if they are really here with me. It is odd. I experienced similar dreams when I was pregnant with my first. I know I am not pregnant, as I have birthcontrol and have been using protection while having intercourse. I am curious as to what has sparked these dreams and these feelings. It is probably nothing and I am over thinking it.