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I am feeling so lonely lately. I don't have anyone to talk to these days. Not even anyone really online that I feel connected to anymore. My life right now revolves around Audrey and trying to find a job. Today I handed out 33 resumes to a bunch of stores and restaurants. I hope I get a call back from at least one place I applied to.

Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment to go over my ultrasound to hopefully figure out why I am having pelvic bleeding for the past 6 months. Hopefully they can figure out the cause and fix it. I am tired of the constant discomfort and bleeding. I want to be 100% healthy again.

I am really starting to hate my boyfriends choice in occupation. He is a sous chef for a restaurant and it seems every new job he gets he has to work later and later hours. At this restaurant he has to work until 1 am and doesn't get home until 2 am. It really pisses me off. I hardly get to spend anytime with him and when I express that I do not like his hours he says to deal with it.

I wish he would just find another restaurant to work in that doesn't have such ridiculous hours every night. His last job he only had to work until 8 pm. Funny how I used to think that was ridiculous hours, but here I am wishing he had those hours again. Funny how things change over time.

Audrey is going through nearly 2 tins of formula in a week. That is a ridiculous amount of formula to go through in such a short period of time! She must be going through a growth spurt or something. She is eating solids and formula. She is having about 6 bottles a day and 3 meals of baby food a day. We are really struggling to afford all of this on only my boyfriends salary. I really need to get a job so we are under less financial stress. I have no idea if we are going to have enough money for rent or not..

Audrey is going through nearly 2 tins of formula in a week. That is a ridiculous amount of formula to go through in such a short period of time! She must be going through a growth spurt or something. She is eating solids and formula. She is having about 6 bottles a day and 3 meals of baby food a day. We are really struggling to afford all of this on only my boyfriends salary. I really need to get a job so we are under less financial stress. I have no idea if we are going to have enough money for rent or not..

I have the worst flu I have had in years. Luckily my mother took the baby for the night so I can actually sleep and get better. Stress is also kicking my butt. I am up to my eyeballs in student loan debt and have no money to pay them off and we are most likely going to be short on rent. I really need someone to hire me! Like right now or things are just gonna get worse and worse. I've been bombarded by phone calls from the student loan agency and they are threatening to take action if I do not pay.

Audrey got her shots today. It broke my heart when she started crying from the needles. I almost started crying myself because she was crying. I wish vaccinations weren't so painful. She needs them though to stay healthy in the long run.

I am really looking forward to tonight. My boyfriend and I are going to a party that his work is putting on. All the food and alcohol is paid for so we plan on getting completely wasted. It has been quite some time since we have both gotten wasted. It will be nice to just sit back, eat good food, and get ridiculously drunk.

I have found that I haven't been treating my boyfriend as nicely as I should be. I have been quite mean to him actually. I apologized to him this morning. I didn't really realize I was being mean to him until today. Does that make me a horrible person or what?

I don't really know how I am feeling tonight. My mind and emotions are all over the place right now. I am feeling conflicted I guess. I do not like feeling this way. I have never felt this way before, or at least not for a very long time.

Today I have been relaxing, watching netflix, watching youtube videos, coloring, listening to music and spending time with Audrey. Now I am browsing and posting on Vampire Rave.

My goal for the day was not to smoke more than 3 cigarettes and so far I have smoked 6. So much for that goal.. It is still less than what I usually smoke within a day.

My boyfriend hasn't responded to any of my texts today and it is nearly 10pm. He has 2 hours left of work and should be home in 2 1/2 hours. I am feeling concerned. Usually he answers at least one of my texts. Maybe he is using his phone for the music at the restaurant.. I do not know, but I hope everything is okay and that I haven't done anything to upset him.

Today has been pretty good so far. Audrey and I went to a parenting group today to visit with other moms. This was Audrey's first time meeting children closer to her age. Audrey had a pretty good time from what I could tell.

We had a doctor check up afterward which Audrey wasn't a huge fan of, but I do not blame her. I am not a huge fan of doctors either.

Now Audrey is taking a nap and I am thinking about taking a nap as well. Audrey did not let me sleep very much last night so I am feeling very tired right now. It has been a very long day for the both of us.

My boyfriend will not be home until about 1 am. I hate how late he has to work. I wish that his restaurant would close a bit earlier so he could be home with us more often. I still haven't received a call back from any of the places I applied for work. I hope they get back to me in a couple of days!

Today was another good day. I went and handed out some resumes finally! I really hope to get a call back from one of the stores by this time next week! I really need a job so I can help provide for my family. It is unfair for all the weight to be on my boyfriends shoulders. I want to have some of the weight on mine as well to help ease the load. Audrey is very demanding when it comes to money for her formula, food, diapers, wipes and occasionally clothes when she grows out of them. I want to be able to help with that as that is my job as a parent I feel.

The not being negative and such is going quite good as well. I have been feeling much better since starting to shoot down my negative thoughts and looking on the positive. I feel like I should of started this process of growing up long ago, I would of be so much happier sooner. Oh well, all that matters is I am making this change in my life now.

The break from facebook is going quite well. I am not missing it one bit. Facebook was causing me a lot of unhappiness and depression. Ive also decided to stop wallowing in my self pity and stop feeling like a victim. This has also made life a lot more enjoyable.

Today Has been pretty good so far. My boyfriend has the day off work so we have been relaxing. He has been playing video games, Ive been drawing and Audrey has been playing on the floor and cuddling with us. She is so adorable. I cannot believe she will be 6 months old on the 19th of this month. Time goes by way too quickly that is for sure.

This evening we are going to a friends house for dinner and games. I am really looking forward to it. I have not gotten to spend a lot of time out of the house lately. I need some friend time.

I've decided that I am going to take a break from Facebook. I need to get away from that site for a couple weeks. I find going on there does not make me feel very good about myself and that I post things that really do not need to be shared.

I need some time to get my head on straight and figure some things out about myself. I need to find healthier outlets for when I am feeling upset or sad. It just makes me feel worse posting things on facebook or seeing other peoples posts.



Also I am starting to study for my learners driving license. I really hope I can retain all the information I have to read. I can do this! I know I can! I am smart enough to do this! I need to give myself for credit when it comes to my ability to do things. I am a very capable person! I need to have faith in myself and study as hard as I can and do all the online practice tests that are available.



I am so exhausted emotionally and physically right now. I think it is time for me to take a nap while Audrey is still napping. Today has been a long one so far.

I finally got some time to post a new YouTube video!

Please go check out the new video! Share, Subscribe and Like! Thanks so much :)



Link: https://youtu.be/xniJf8bSCbI

Right now all I really want is a pack of cigarettes.. Audrey is driving me crazy with all he crying. I feel like crying and hiding in my bedroom.

I was supposed to have a friend over to do crafts but I am starting to doubt that she is going to come over anymore. Audrey is in her play pen growling and grunting for me to come pick her up. Occasionally she throws a cry in there.

I didn't even want to quit smoking... The only reason I'm not smoking is because I lack the funds to buy more cigarettes. My boyfriend is just telling me to keep my mind and hands busy, which I have been doing all day, everyday. It is not helping at all. Id rather be wasting my money on cigarettes.

I am trying to quit smoking and so far it has been 3 days since my last cigarette. I am starting to get really irritable from lack of smoking. I have been drinking way too much coffee since quitting smoking. I really wish I had a pack of cigarettes right now. Smoking is a huge stress reliever for me and so is coffee. The only reason I am trying to quit is because I don't have enough money to buy another pack.. I am feeling miserable.. I want to be outside right now breathing toxins into my lungs. I like the feeling cigarettes give me.

It is for the best that I am not smoking though. They were starting to make me physically sick. I would start puking after smoking my first cigarette of the day. That doesn't make me want to smoke any less though, as bad as that is.

I was supposed to go hand out resumes today, but that never happened because of the poor weather. Seems things keep coming up that keeps me from applying for work. what the hell life?!

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VvvLilithaVainvvV
02:55 Jan 08 2016

Sometimes life can feel like one bad thing after another. I'm sorry about your struggle girl. I'm here!

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moonkissed
12:16 Jan 08 2016

Take one moment at a time. it is ok to be irritable. Insanity is also not an unexpected thing.

I quit a few years ago. No one died.

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Some of the people on this site are such attention seekers. The things they say are absolutely hilarious, they come up with these far fetched stories and expect people to believe them. How stupid do people think I am?

Sure we all seek attention from time to time, but there is a better way of going about it than making up stories that are ridiculously fake. If you need help or need someone to listen, don't insult me with making up a fake story to get the attention you want. Tell me the truth and you will get my attention and affection.

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Serenity
20:05 Jan 07 2016

-jumps up and down with fireworks all around beating on drums and playing trompet- Gimme attention!!!! look! look at me!!!

-putting on neon pants and shirts-



lol

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Dakotah
02:06 Jan 08 2016

Your post made me laugh because its is soooo true. Gosh, I am so glad someone else notices it too. Well I am sure a lot do here. There are some smart folks here and the ones who post crap, well... got to feel sorry for them that they do not see the best attention anyone can get is from just being you and being honest. No need to make stuff up.

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Woolfe
02:43 Jan 08 2016

I find fact is a lot more interesting than fiction. That is just me though.

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Yesterday was a pretty good day. I got to have a long nap with my baby girl, cleaned all the dishes and the kitchen, played video games and got to spend the night with my boyfriend and have amazing sex.

Today I am going to go hand out resumes and hopefully get a job here soon. I want today to be another productive day. It is 1 am and I have yet to sleep. My boyfriend is playing video games and I am browsing Vampire Rave. Audrey is sleeping in her own room for once so I am going to be able to sleep beside my boyfriend, which is going to be awesome! It has been 2 weeks since the last time I slept beside my boyfriend and before that it was multiple months since sleeping beside him. I usually sleep in the living room with Audrey. I have finally decided it is time for Audrey to be independent and sleep in her own room. She will be 6 months old on the 19th. Oh how time flys by!

My depression always becomes overwhelming in the night time hours. I don't know why this is, but it is very frustrating. I will have a great day and then my night will be stressful and full of depression and anxiety. I am trying to keep myself distracted by watching movies, drawing, painting, doing things on my computer, or playing with Audrey. There isn't much else I can do to keep occupied.



Tomorrow I am going to go hand out some resumes. I really need a new job. We cannot survive on one income for much longer. We need to pay off some debt that we have accumulated through out the month of December. We went over board with Christmas shopping and all of that.



I am waiting for my boyfriend to get home from work. Hopefully he is in a decent mood and work wasn't too stressful. He has been feeling bad about not being able to spend more time with Audrey. I keep telling him that he is doing what he needs to do to help provide for Audrey so she can have a great life. He keeps looking at the negative and what he doesn't have instead of looking at what he does have and all the positive in his life. When ever I tell him things from my perspective he shoots me down and doesn't trust me or listen to what I have to say. It makes me feel terrible. I want to be able to comfort him, but I don't know how to.

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VvvLilithaVainvvV
02:57 Jan 08 2016

Pot can be a pretty good anxiety, depression AND stress reliever lol

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I Posted a new YouTube video! Check it out! Share my channel with your friends! Subscribe! :) :)



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwXl81snRis&feature=youtu.be

I finally got around to posting a new YouTube video. It has been awhile since I posted one. Seems I go long periods of time between making YouTube videos these days. I need to get better at it.

I've started working on writing my novel. It is going alright so far. I have one page written so far, I am trying to make it perfect.

Last night was a difficult one for me. I was having a massive panic attack, one of the worst I have had in a very long time. I was feeling very paranoid that my boyfriend doesn't love me. I texted him a huge amount of times in panic. He called me and asked what is going on. He reassured me that he loves me incredibly and that his feelings for me have not changed at all. Hearing this made me feel 1000 times better and made my panic and paranoia go away immediately. Today I am still feeling good and the panic and paranoia has not returned. Today will be a good day, I just know it.

It amazes me how fast Audrey is growing and developing. She is crawling, sitting up on her own, has 2 teeth and more coming in, and now she has started pulling herself up to a standing position. She is only 5 months old! I dont think 5 month olds should be pulling themselves up to a standing position already! I want my little baby back haha. Audrey is growing up much faster than I anticipated. I was not prepared to have to be chasing after her at 5 months of age.

I love this little girl so very much, I dont know where I would be with out her. My life would have been very different that is for sure.

Happy new year everyone!



Today has been a bit rough for my boyfriend and I. We had an argument and like always I cried because that is how I express pretty well any emotion, I am an extremely emotional person, and this made my boyfriend very angry. He feels like I am trying to make him feel like the bad guy, when really I am just a very emotional person and cry at every little thing. I was in no way trying to make him feel bad by crying. I wish he would understand that, because I just cry harder when he gets angry with me for crying.

He expressed that he is feeling smothered by me, because I am always wanting to spend time with him when he gets off work and on his days off because I rarely get to see him because he works such ridiculous hours. So now I am sitting up in Audrey's room on my laptop so he can get the space he wants. Just hurts that me wanting his attention and wanting to cuddle is making he feel smothered. He claims he is not as affectionate as I am, but when we first started dating he was very affectionate and liked to cuddle. I do not know what has changed. I feel like the first year of us dating has been filled with lies. He didn't show me the person he really is, he just acted like the person I wanted him to act like. It is very frustrating and upsetting. He tells little white lies here and there and it confuses me why he lies about such stupid little things. I am 100% honest with him, why can he be more honest with me? He says it is hard for him to talk to me about things he is feeling or going through.

I hope we can eventually get all of this figured out. I love him so very much.

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wolfmoon
20:12 Jan 02 2016

I hope it does work for you,im like that too i cry when im mad or so happy,but if advice is what you want that happend to me before i met my husband and i chose to relize he was just a fake person when we met,and not the person i fell in love with,and you have your daughter to think of,its up to you to show her what a happy relationship looks like.hope i helped a lil

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