The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Aquarius (the water bearer)



January 20-- February 18



1) You are distinguished for what you know.



2) People love you.



3) Dogs love you, but only when they hump your leg.



4) You will meet a tall dark strangler in the dark.



5) You're so gullible that you believed the lie in item 2.



6) You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.



7) Some people like you but only for the false image they have of you.



8) At parties, when people tell you they had a wonderful evening, it wasn't the evening with you they were talking about.



9) In the dictionary, a picture of you appears under the word "ugly."



10) When Mars aligns with Venus, you will die.



11) Aquarius people are great at holding their water (why do you think they're called water bearers?)



12) Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.



13) Indeed, you are distinguished for what you know, but everything you know is wrong.



Best career moves: water bearer, fish baiter, alcoholic







Pisces (the fish)



February 19-- March 20



1) You are a humble person.



2) You are a very strong person



3) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI.



4) Your ignorance is encyclopedic.



5) Pisces people smell like dead fish.



6) Pisces politicians are so dumb that they have been known to fly to Manila just to thank them for their envelopes.



7) People consider you a parasite for sore eyes.



8) Your brain is so small that it's amazing that you're able to place one foot in front of the other.



9) You are a humble person, because you really aren't great.



10) When the horoscope said that you were strong, it meant your body odor.



11) When you die, it will be in your own arms.



12) When people look into your eyes, they get the feeling someone else is driving.



13) You're hokey pokey and that what it's all about.



Best career moves: aquarium cleaner, barnacle scraper, sewage maintenance



Aries (the ram)



March 21-- April 19



1) You have an intelligent and creative mind.



2) You have artistic ability.



3) You are like fresh mountain spring water: cold, transparent, and tasteless.



4) You like to beat your head against the wall because it feels good when it stops.



5) You haven't an enemy in the world, but all your friends hate you.



6) People need what only you can provide: your absence.



7) Some people are wise. You are otherwise.



8) I said you had an intelligent and creative mind, but its the intelligence of a goat and the creativeness of a clam.



9) Your entire artistic ability is in twisting balloons into shapes that look like animal genitals.



10) If idiots could fly, you'd be an airport.



11) You're so shallow that when you wear extravagant clothes, people feel sorry for the clothes.



12) People like you are the reason other people need medication.



13) There's nothing wrong with you that death won't cure.



Best career moves: sausage packer, car test dummy, live punching bag



Taurus (the bull)



April 20-- May 20



1) You are practical and persistent.



2) You have a high capacity brain.



3) Taurus people do not use toilet paper.



4) You have the power of conversation but not of speech.



5) If you bored a hole in your head, sap would run out.



6) As you age, your ears will begin to look like a taxicab with both doors open.



7) You have nothing to worry about because you have no mind to worry with.



8) People can't believe that out of the millions of your father's sperm, you were the quickest.



9) You are practical alright, as practical as eating soup with a fork and with the persistence of a nosebleed.



10) You have a high capacity brain because it's full of male bovine excrement.



11) Try to smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.



12) Some people make people happy wherever they go; you on the other hand make people happy when you leave.



13) Your ignorance covers the world like a well made blanket; there's not a hole in it to be found.



Best career moves: the loser in pro-wrestling matches, brain donor, cat walker



Gemini (the twins)



May 21-- June 20



1) You have a unique personality.



2) Geminis always get good grades in school.



3) Gemini people have twin chins and are two faced.



4) You're so cheap, you do your Christmas shopping at Seven-Eleven.



5) A thousand-dollar outfit on you looks like socks on a rooster.



6) People will worship the quicksand you will walk in.



7) People stand in line just to hate you.



8) The reason why you have a unique personality is because it's split.



9) Geminis always get good grades because they always cheat.



10) A lot of Gemini's die by inserting large objects into their rectums.



11) You have half a brain; that's why mind readers charge you half price.



12) When people attempt to reach your mind, they can never find it.



13) If you are what you eat, then you are fast, cheap and easy.



Best career moves: dumpster cleaner, prophylactic roller, organ donor



Cancer (the crab)



June 21-- July 22



1) You are sensitive and creative. (see 8 below)



2) People want you around. (see 9 below)



3) People really have to get to know you to dislike you.



4) You're so cheap you'd consider getting rubber pockets just so you could steal soup.



5) You have depth, but only from the deep pockmarks on your face.



6) You have achieved the perfection of a circle... a perfect asshole that is.



7) The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.



8) You are sensitive because you cry a lot and creative when you lie a lot.



9) When people want to be alone, they invite you over. That's the only time they want you around.



10) You are not only dull yourself, but you're the cause of dullness in others.



11) Don't feel bad when people accuse you of being dumber than an ox. You are just as smart as an ox.



12) On the journey of life, you chose the psycho path.



13) The day that people will honor you is the day when they will run out of humans.



Best career moves: prostitute, bathroom tissue paper tester, fertilizer



Leo (the lion)



July 23-- August 22



1) You were born a leader.



2) You are as strong as a lion.



3) Others think that you are sophisticated (little do they know).



4) People find you fascinating because you're so ugly; they stare at you in fascination.



5) You have a brilliant head, but only after shaving and polishing it.



6) When people feel miserable, it's just like having you around.



7) It's said that little things affect little minds. You have nothing to worry about because you have no mind.



8) You're strong alright. The stench of your body odor is so strong, it makes skunk dung smell like roses.



9) Your flatulence is so great that gas companies make bids for your mineral rights.



10) When people ask what's on your mind, they think of it as an overstatement.



11) What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!



12) The only reason you're alive is because it is illegal to shoot people.



13) Maybe you were born a leader, but you'll die a caboose.



Best career moves: sewage transporter, garbage collector, deodorant tester



Virgo (the Virgin)



August 23-- September 22



1) You have a mathematical ability.



2) You have a flair for certain things.



3) You're as good as your word, but your word is no good.



4) The rumor that Virgo's are virgins is true.



5) Virgo's have tiny genitals; that's why they are virgins.



6) Virgo's make good choir singers, eunuchs, and nuns.



7) You have a winning smile because your teeth look like a checkered flag.



8) The mathematical ability you have is that of a Clydedale.



9) The certain things you have a flair for, unfortunately, are your nostrils.



10) You're so ugly that you could make a mule back away from an oat bin.



11) You have such an open mind that your brains fell out.



12) You are a water bug on the surface of life.



13) YOU - Off my planet.



Best career moves: "Before" model in before-and-after ads, live target at a gun range, slave



Libra (the balance)



September 23-- October 22



1) You have much knowledge.



2) Libra's make great lawyers.



3) You can tell who's a Libra on a Walt Disney ride because they're the ones carrying their luggage.



4) You have delusions of adequacy.



5) You have the attention span of a neutrino.



6) Whenever you try to save face, you still have the other face to worry about.



7) You're so narrow minded that when you run, your ear lobes bang together.



8) You have much knowledge alright. Unfortunately it's only knowledge about yourself.



9) You know how to steal, lie and cheat. That's why you'd make a great lawyer.



10) You don't look good now, but you'll make a magnificent looking corpse.



11) Your face looks like an envelope without an address on it.



12) People regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.



13) People who want to save the whales, think of you.



Best career moves: bailiff in a kangaroo court, ambulance chaser, tightrope walker



Scorpio (the scorpion) ** This one's mine!!



October 23-- November 21



1) You have a good business mind.



2) You are a kind person.



3) You've got the brain of an surgeon, and he was glad to get rid of it.



4) You're such a good friend, that you only stab them from the front.



5) When people give you a going away present, you have to promise to leave.



6) You're like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold, and sharp.



7) When you're in bad company, you're alone.



8) When Jupiter aligns with Uranus, someone will anal rape you.



9) Your good business mind will make you a great crack dealer.



10) Yes you are a kind person, the kind who picks his friends-- to pieces.



11) The time when you stopped to think about something, you never started again.



12) Most Scorpio's are murderers.



13) You're proof that God doesn't exist, otherwise he would have killed you by now.



Best career moves: drug dealer, hit man, panty hose inspector



** Mom's gonna be soo proud!!



Sagittarius (the archer)



November 22-- December 21



1) You are an attractive person.



2) You make people happy.



3) What you don't know can't hurt you. That's why you've never been hurt.



4) You have a smile like the silver plate on a coffin.



5) You like to wear clothing that never goes out of style; they look ridiculous year after year.



6) The genes responsible for your brain comes from millions of years of not thinking.



7) You will look great when you're older. Unfortunately it will come from a cosmetic undertaker.



8) Yes you are an attractive person: like cow dung attracting flies.



9) Indeed you make people happy-- whenever you leave.



10) You often fall asleep while having sex.



11) The majority of Sagittarians are psychopathic.



12) After all these years, you still have the mind of a child-- stupid.



13) You don't give a crap-- that's why you're constipated.



Best career moves: dog poop collector, underwear stain remover, urine donor



Capricorn (the goat)



November 22-- December 21



1) People find you interesting and surprising.



2) You are a modest person.



3) You have a face that people always remember, even though they try hard to forget.



4) The only time you lie is when your lips are moving.



5) You may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. You really are an idiot.



6) You always try to use the most words to express the smallest idea.



7) You think that the quickest way to your lover's heart is through the chest cavity.



8) People find you as interesting as watching a dog walking on two legs. It's not done well but they are surprised to see it done at all.



9) You're so boring that people fall asleep halfway through your name.



10) If all your brain cells were laid end to end on the surface of the earth, you'd need an electron microscope to measure it.



11) Indeed you are modest because you have lots to be modest about.



12) You can't use a rectal thermometer because of the risk of brain damage.



13) On your mark, get set, go away!



Best career moves: thief, goat milker, gas station bathroom attendant