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Just got back from the doctor, he told me that sometimes when the incision closes while the inside part is still bleeding since the blood can't get out that way it spreads out just below the top layer of skin like a blister. So basically I have a blood blister the diameter of a softball.

Well for some strange reason I'm in a very good mood even though I shouldn't be, nothing has changed. Don't get me wrong I'm not complaing about being in a good mood. I just hate these drastic swings for no apparent reason. I' ll be glad when my paxil starts working again, which should be sometime next week. That of course is assuming I keep remembering to take them, I have a bad habit of forgetting, even though I have one of those daily pill dose packs. I guess right now I could set a reminder on my phone to take them at a certain time. But when I go back to work that won't work very well since I don't have set hours when I'm working. My knee is also feeling a little better. But I'm going to the doctor shortly to get it checkout, just to be safe.

"ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day......"-Time by Pink Floyd That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I have plenty of things I could be doing, I just don't feel like doing them. I just dont really feel interested in doing anything. Well maybe one, I'd love to go for a ride on my motorcycle. But with the shape my knee and back are in, the lights on it need rewired and I havent had the money so the plates and insurance have expired. I know part of the problem is that I wasn't taking my paxil for a while, I hate having to take pills all the time. But the way it looks I'll be taking lots of them the rest of my life. I really didnt want this journal to be so negative, its hard to be up when you're so far down. I'll be glad when the paxil starts working again, it helps balance my mood swings. I'm so fortunate to have a very understanding girlfriend.

Well got a hold of the doctor he told me not to be concerned. But I'm not convinced, I've had had gashes stitched up that didn't bleed as much. It has slowed some from earlier though.

well I had my knee surgery yesterday, the doctor said it went well. Now today it has bled all the way through the dressing. I've called the surgery center and I'm waiting for the weekend on-call doctor to call me back. I did get some good news yesterday my long term disabilty ins. is finally going to start sending me some money next week. It really sucks that all that blood from my knee is going to waste. I'm guessing I popped a stitch. I thought my dad might have called me today to see how I was doing but he hasn't. When he broke his foot a while back during a firefighter training exercise I called him everyday. But then as he told everyone at the family gathering for Christmas one year " He's not my son." He my not be my biological father but he's the only father I've ever known. I didn't even find out until I was in highschool that he wasn't my biological father. Okay this is too depressing..... Hmmm still haven't heard back from the doctor. My girlfriend had a couple of her friends over today and that really seemed to brighten her day. I felt bad because I felt like I was being rude by not staying outside with them by the pool. But about the only place I can get comfortable is in the recliner right now espcially since I have to keep my leg elevated. guess I need to try to call the doctor again.

O.k. I have a journal now what? I don't usually do a lot of writing especially about myself and my feelings so I'm not sure how this will turn out. Beware of run-on sentences gramar was not my best subject, that would have been math or science I took both of them even when I didn't have to. I've got so many things going on in my life right now and most of them aren't good but I'm not sure I want to write about it because I don't want pitty. The 1 really bright spot in my life is my girlfriend. I think if it weren't for her I would just give up. I have to get my knee operated on later today to "repair" some torn cartlidge. I'm a little nervous about it, there's a whole (flock? maybe swarm?) of butterflies in my stomach. I've had surgery before but not one that could potentially end my career. *sigh* guess I need to try to get some rest since I have to get up in less than 5hrs.