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(this one still makes me cry)



Numb again

Don't know how else to be these days

Can't feel it all

Can't deal with it

Autumn, I should be happy

All I can think about is dying

Not my own morbidity

Not the leaves falling

But her



I know its getting closer

I know I'll have too many regrets

Too many promises I made

And never filled



I see her trying to hold on

Trying to smile and laugh away the pain

I see her falling apart inside

I see the sadness in her eyes

When she looks at the kids

I see her holding her dignity together

With broken peices of yarn

She asks if her hair is grown back enough

To pass without a wig

I say yes but she doesn't believe me

She doesn't care though

It will be falling out again soon



I know she cries alot

Drowned out by the steady hum

Of her oxygen machine at night

I can't sleep without that sound

Its too quiet here at night when she's in the hospital

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep without it



I have to be the strong one

My sister has distanced herself too much

She doesn't even care

As long as we make sure that supper's on the table

When she gets home from work

And all her chores are done

I wonder if she'll care when Mom's bedridden



I hate working late

I worry too much

Did Mom get her pills ok?

Did she eat ok?

Is her blood sugar ok?

Did they take her to the hospital without telling me?

It wouldn't be the first time



I'll just sit here

Crying and pouring out empty emotions

Because there's nothing left

I can't even bring myself to ask Them

To let her live just a little while longer

I don't want her to suffer

Its not going to go away



So if you see me a little down

A little exhausted and tired

With scars on my arms

Maybe a little drunk or fucked up

Don't judge me

Don't pity me

Be disgusted if you wish

Its not about me.

I'm sinking back into apathy

A cold stark feeling

Like a long awaited buzz after a period of sobriety

Old vices coming back to haunt me

Streaks of yellow insanity in my thoughts

Unable to look someone in the eyes without hearing the laughter

Unable to look inward without fear of getting lost

Dark tunnels of thought that had remained closed off

I thought I had fixed it all, what a liar I was

You can't fix things when all your tools are broken

Everything's marred and shattered and painted with laughing faces

Where do you run to when the screaming gets too loud

pull me up

pull me up

It burns through my veins

Happiness untrue

For an hour or four



It comes via pill

Or powder or drink

Exchanged for your soul



A new breed of love

Shared between sinners

Normally never met



Extenuating circumstances

Bringing friends together

For a chemical emotion



Do I even feel anymore?

I'm not quite sure

I just feel you



The world fades away

Except for this emotion

Tomorrow we'll hate ourselves



So hold me just a little while longer

Till I start to come down

And we both fall asleep numb

Abyss-black eyes

Twin incantations of death

Floating through someone else's dreams

i find myself awake once more

Shaking and craving what I can't have

What I can't even understand

I break into pieces

And spend the day putting myself back together

What even makes me whole anymore?

I keep losing pieces

And replacing them with something else

Soon I won't be recognizable

But would it really be so bad?

Floating on chemical clouds

I rise and fall on scarlet waves

Snow falling on a shimmering pool

A razor blade cuts too deep

You always feel what you cannot be

You always see what you cannot have

Exist from day to day

But for a mere scent of death

Lapped from waxy skin

Just another pile of trash

Chewed up and tossed away

Let the wind take me

Make me dance like a marrionette

Bound by silver strings

Controlled by an unseen force

I put my faith in you

Just so you can let me down

So I can feel the burn I'm longing for

The craving in my heart isn't for you

But you'll do for now