March entries '0719:23 Jul 07 2008
Times Read: 657
Admittance...
10:20:41 - Mar 16 2007
Times Read: 28
I'm a creature of the night born in the sun unable to follow my heart's desire. The daylight shatters my hope of freedom from the pathetic life I lead in it's glare. My heart flees from the grasp of all familiarity and seeks - to no avail - an escape from the dreary captivity called life. I'm of water and flame; always either, never both. No tears come from within for there are none left to dispel. Hurt, bruised, and beaten,and forever scarred by the love of my life.Seek me out to see the ashes of my being.
Will there ever be another that will rescue me and save me from myself, and this light that haunts me? Can anyone reach me now...? Please come, my saviour. Gather me in your arms and do not hurt me, for I am still strong enough to survive. My eyes are burned by the light as they search for the glory of the dark.
Although my soul cries out, no one shall ever hear it for it is silenced within me by the flames of desire. My strength is limited and my courage, short lived. I will not succumb to the fear within. I will not fall prey to the succubus of light. Search for me, gather my ashes and water them. It is from there I will be reborn...and forever yours.
Guess I got what I deserved...
09:22:32 - Mar 26 2007
Times Read: 20
I did it again. I fell too hard, too fast. But my biggest mistake was that I let him in and told him that I cared. I gave him the one way to hurt me, by handing my heart over on a silver platter, with a label saying 'Break me please, you know you want to'. Just by telling him I loved him I opened myself up to be hurt...again. I thought he was different, that he actually might consider me worth his time, but my bad judgemant prevails again. I havent even known him long...I dont even know him at all actually. Hes just some guy on the net. Some guy. That about sums it up. Guys are all the same. Youd think I would have learned the first four times. Guess Im just plain stupid. I allowed another guy to hurt me with a different girl. I actually thought he cared. That is, until he told me that he cared for me the same way as he cared for some other chick. Why is it guys can never be satisfied? They always need more than one girl to make them happy, and most the time, that doesnt even work. I wish I could tell him how I feel, but Id probably scare him away. I wish I could be close to him, in all manner of speaking.
Reflection - Demon's Free Range
09:45:42 - Mar 26 2007
Times Read: 18
I am restless. This I know for sure. I hunger for that which I cannot have. I long for things unreachable to me. For the taste of freedom, of love, of lust, of blood. I need to feel reassurance and he offers it to me. Butdemon caged, locked inside me. But now its let loose and it wreaks havoc on all near or far to me. Come, help me, save me, I plead to people. But no one hears me crying. No one hears my screams. No one can save me from myself or the monstrous part inside of me, demon me. I thought he had heard and had come to rescue me. Foolish child is what the demon snickered when he left. 'He never needed you, never even wanted you. But I do. So come with me my child. Give in and watch us as we grow together, strong and more dangerous than any other being in existance. I wish I could give in, but I wont. I refuse to let it win me over this time. Not again. Not without a fight. She calls to me in my sleep, whispers my name in my ears, stalks my dreams. She knows I want it but wont let go. She laughs at my insolent ways of living in a world to which I dont belong. I hide behind frail masks, trying to retain her, holding her back, using all my strength and will. She plays with my head, driving me insane. We both know she could break the barriers binding her to me at any moment and be free, loosed upon an unsuspecting fragile world. Just as we both know that is not what she wants most. She wants me, all of me. To give in to her and sacrifice this life to replace with another. She has been with me through many lives, over many years. I know she wont leave me. Ever. Though shes the only one that wont. not no more. Hes gone, left, leaving me with nothing to show for it but my pain. I wish he wouldve stayed, to help me learn to control myself, for I know not how to do so. For so long Ive kept this
Blank Canvas (dark thoughts)
10:12:57 - Mar 26 2007
Times Read: 17
I am a blank canvas. White, clean, pure. I need his work to make me a masterpiece, to make me whole. Each bruise he makes will show the colors of my soul; blue, brown, black. Empty, hollow, lonely colors full of wist and loathing. I see the signs. I read him, and know what he wants to do. He wants to make his mark on me to let others know I am his and his alone. Cuts and bruises caused by his hand will be cherished forever in my soul, though they slowly will fade over time on my body. However, each one can be replaced with new ones. Each bruise made bigger. Each cut made deeper. And what of the pain with it? some may ask. My answer, I feel no pain. He is my drug, numbing all things inside of me. I love his touch. So gentle and sweet. Innocent. But I need his lust, his abusive manner, his aggressive side come out to play. I need him to toy with me, carve me as he would a sculpture, color me with blue for my sorrow, black for my eternal pain, and red for his lust, my life, our love. Color me as if he was painting a work of art. Carve me then use the red to paint my body. A soft and gentle touch is appreciated, but for him to make me his masterpiece would be cherished forever more. Please, my love, work me up until I can go no further. Then work me more. Put me to the test. Show me you care. Dont just show your love, but prove your lust for me. Tell me and show me just how you want it. I am here only to please, to prove my undying love for you. I need to feel you in me, on me, surrounding me. I long to show you and want you in a way Ive wanted no other being on earth, in heaven or hell. Please, come to my room with me. Show me...
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