02:14 Aug 12 2009
Times Read: 651
I have a story to tell...I owe this to my friends on here who have watched my highs and lows and those who have followed my life up to this point. If anyone feels they get a hint of bragging or whatever you think the nature of me writing this is in, that it is anything more than what it is, I don't know what to say, but if you don't know me, maybe you should stop reading before you get too far into it.
The doof was everything that I knew it would be...everything that I loved....the music, lights, friends and drugs...and lots of them! A place where you can openly do anything cause everyone else is doing it too!
It started well....these things always do....and as the night rolled on so did my intake of what ever was offered to me, I think in total I had taken 9 different substances, many of them more than one dose, no food and very little water....I have done this many times, and I know my body well enough in a drugged up state to know what I was doing...or so I thought!
But as dawn broke I started to feel like I needed some time out, so I went to my van and laid down thinking I would sleep it off and wake up abit sober, but as I laid there I knew something wasn't right and that I needed to get some help, fast.
I made it over to where my friends were and asked for one to get Mikey (A good friend who knew what I had been taking, knew how I reacted to stuff and who I knew would look after me) He was like "no, you'll be ok" I looked at him and go "no...something is really wrong...either you get Mikey or you get me a ambulance" so off he ran, coming back minutes later with Mikey and another friend in tow.
They started to feed me banana and O.J. but it wasn't doing anything and I knew this was it!
I asked Mikey to take me to hospital...and even as I said the words I knew they wouldn't, it was the unwritten law, a law we all live by!
I will never forget the feeling of me kneeling on the ground, feeling the pain of my heart slowing and wanting to stop, and the strange calm of knowing this was the end...I looked up at Mikey and told him I was dieing...he held my shoulder and told me to hang on...that I couldn't die, to fight it, that I wouldn't die.
I have always played with the thought of death....it has never worried me, I liked the idea really, death was something to look forward to...but as I knelt there, all I could think of was the sadness it would bring to my Mum, my Daughter, my Son, and I felt their confusion....and all I wanted to do was live...."how sad" I remember thinking "now I am going to die, I want to live more than anything I have ever wanted...and now its too late"
And I never thought I would fight so hard not to die!
I will spare you the details of the next few hours...but mostly for me, I would like to be able to hold my head up high and no-one needs to know how low I sunk... in saying that I can say I spent the next 3 hours trying to hold on to reality and gain some sort of control over my body again.
So what have I learnt from this...
I have learnt that I don't want to walk around in a zombie like state anymore, I want to be able to feel, not be numb to every emotion, feeling and memory.
I have learnt the moderation is the key.
That I have put not only myself but others at risk through the many stupid actions I have done in the past.
And more than anything....I learnt...I want to live!
So say what you will, write what you want , for nothing you say, I haven't already said to myself... and no, I don't think I have walk away from this experience Scott free...I think my eyes will never be the same, that I have done some permanent damage to them...either that or in time my body will heal them...maybe its all the shit that is still in my system, either way, its a small price that I have had to pay for the lesson that needed to be learnt!
3 Days Clean.
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