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He did it...he passed with flying colours!

I guess I am testing him.....I didnt see it that way til about half an hour ago....but if he follows through with it, I know where I stand, if he doesn't, I guess I know too!

I just hope he does what he said he will do....what I want him to do....without a word from me I want him to make the right choice.....this will make or brake our future and he doesnt even know it!

*prays and crosses fingers*

This morning, with the emotions of loosing my father, the absence of by best friend and the turmoil of just coming down after 3 days of partying and no sleep, I concluded I need to lay low, go to work, take a step back and try to get a reasonable thought pat ton going. I need to detach myself from him abit. I can't help thinking like all my other relationships with people who have come in aond out of my life but I have still loved, that this one will too will one day dwindle and I cant afford to get so attached to someone else only to have them one day disappear....for nothing that means anything to me in my life ever seems to last very long, and it is only natural that if either of us ever fall in love with another person the one left will have to find a life without them by their side 24/7.

How can you feel so sure of someones feelings for you one minute and doubt them a few hours later? Whats wrong with me that one hash tone from him and I jump into defence position, it really does show that as much as I love him and everything we have been through together.....there is a place in my heart that doesn't trust him!

I'm having afternoon tea with his Mum today....I love her, and I know she loves me too. I know she is waiting for us to sort ourselves out and just get together already, she said she would marry me herself to keep me in the family....I have never been so wanted....but we're not together, and he is 9 hours away, he left the day Dad collapsed and on the day he died I walk out of the hospital and drove til I was by his side again, all he has to do is say "come" and he knows I will drop anything I'm doing to be there, I have done it 3 times in the last 2 weeks already....our bed is empty without him in it, he's my best friend and I miss him!

So today is the first day in 3 weeks that I have pulled off a full day of work.

It was strange to have people come in and want me to pierce them, the first person I just looked at them like "you want me to do what?"

It was too easy for me to do what I had to do...but my heart and souls not in it......I don't want to be here....I want to be curled up next to him....playing with his hair.....talking in the nonsensical way that only he and I do....for when we're together the rest of the world doesn't matter to either of us!

Dad died two weeks ago, I was the only person there, everyone had said their goodbyes 3 days before when I turned his life mashine off.

I just didn't want him die alone.



I am too ashamed to say what I have been doing in the last few weeks *hangs head*

I dont think I'm handling this so well after all!!!

COMMENTS

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Isis101
01:31 Apr 21 2009

You have my condolences. My dad died last month, and I really didn't know him or like him. I still felt sadness though...I thought of all of the wasted time that could have been spent making amends. I'm assuming that you had a loving bond with your dad. Good luck with grieving process.

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