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Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!



It was as though I was waking from a horrible dream. All I wanted to do was just keep my eyes closed, to go back to sleep, and to awaken in a far better place than this hell on Earth that I found myself in. But, I opened my eyes nonetheless, only to see the cold, stone walls that dripped endlessly from some underground lake or stream and the gaping maw of darkness that seemed to envelope and devour everything in it’s wake. Yanking at the chains that left my hands bereft of movement, I uttered a silent prayer to whatever God or Deity that was gracious enough to be listening to the plea of a desperate man. Once my eyes adjusted, I scanned the filthy dungeon, littered with human remains, half dead prisoners who were somber in nature, who wished only to be free from this plane of existence, as well as the body of my former traveling companion, Joshua. The wails and screams of captives subjected to torture, men casting aside their last shred of hope, losing the will that held them tethered to their morals, were the few sounds that gave even the slightest hint that life still remained in this desolate place .

Prison Guards mocked these poor souls endlessly, loudly taunting my cellmates, who were uttering wordless pleas. The heartless bastards continued to jeer and taunt, claiming that “Your God won’t save you now,” or attempting to convert those who would not co-operate, those like me by questioning us at spear-point, “Will you save yourself from eternal damnation by accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?” As I observed this for the fourth time that day, I understood these religious fanatics believed that when faced with death, a Jew would bend easily to their will, and forget hundreds of years of traditions and morals. If these Hebrews either answered no, or refused to answer at all, they were burned with pokers from the fire, pulled upon the rack, or killed by slowly by the insidious master of torture that was called the Grand Inquisitor. The dungeon door was thrown open, and a troop of soldiers marched towards me.

Why was I here exactly? What had I done wrong in life to deserve this situation that I was currently in? What cruel twist of fate caused the very men who respected me only days before to turn on me, and toss me to these dogs who called themselves decent, upstanding human beings. Just the week before, Joshua and I were on our way to Manchester to handle an important account for our trading firm. I had no clue that someone out there had some personal vendetta against my friend and myself for we were young men, barely 22 years of age. We were taken from our homes, blindfolded, and thrown in this dungeon, having no clue what we had done wrong. Joshua and I were innocent men, who had caused no man harm or strife.

My childhood friend, business partner, and close companion was killed first, after we arrived. He asked what we had done, and a guard spat in his face and growled, “You were born to filth and dirt, lower than the hooves of beasts. You’re parents are loathsome creatures, and you’re religion is a lie. Abandon your heathen ways, and live freely. Start anew and earn a chance to save your soul.” Joshua looked up at this crazed man, and stated simply, “And if I don’t wish to ‘abandon my heathen ways’? What makes you think you’re right?”

He was run through with a sword by the guard. The man turned to me and said, as he was wiping Joshua’s blood on my shirt, in an attempt to rid his weapon of impure blood, “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Jew. You’ll be next.”

I was cut down from the wall, and vowed I would not die without fighting for what my people have tried for hundreds of years to preserve in times of adversity. Struggling against my captors, I was led into a dark room, which was rank with the scent of fresh blood and charred flesh. A foreboding figure stood there as they strapped me to the rack. The dark figure pulled on a pair of gloves and took the hot poker from the fire into his hand. “Will you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior?” With a calm and stolid manner, I turned to him and spat in his face. “Never! Do what you want to me, but Adonai is God, and you will NEVER change that!” I was released from the wall and led to a courtyard where a noose was hung around my neck.

So they wished to make an example of me, eh? Let them, I did not care what they would do to me. I only thought of the things that might have been. The wife I’d never have, the children I would never sire, and the business that would have made me very successful. There was so much I hadn’t done in life, but nothing mattered anymore. I was going to join Joshua again. I was going to stay true to myself, and to my people. I was not going to let these smug, arrogant, self-righteous bastards win. I doubt even their lord would wish the deaths of thousands of people in his name.

“Any last words?” I turned and placed a sadistic smile on my face. “Not anything for your ears. My only words are to my God, not some worthless, sniveling coward who hides behind religion as an excuse, and as a means to gain power!” After a roar of anger, he pulled the lever. I embraced death with open arms, the smile still on my face as I plunged towards true salvation.