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One thing I'm trying to admit to myself still is that I have seriously messed up. I mean, I know I have, it's just hard for me to deal with. People don't look kindly on me for what I've done. I'm sure some even go as far as calling me a whore or a tramp behind my back. I wouldn't be surprised. What would be more surprising was if they didn't, if some of them even understand. I know my friends may not approve of what I'm doing but at least they're trying to help me through it. They want what's best for me and I really appreciate it. I know cheating on Greg was a horrible thing to do and I honestly never thought I'd ever do that in my life. But it did, it's done. And now I'm in love with Travis. I didn't think I'd be able to love him again but Fate has decided to prove me wrong. She likes doing that apparently. No offense against her or anything, I'd just kinda like things to go smoothly for once, but if not, I'll deal with it. I've had to go through a lot of thoughts and emotions over this and wondering whether or not the baby is Greg's or Travis'. I'm not sure Greg would be a good father. I know Travis would beyond a doubt. I don't love Greg anymore like I used to and it hurts to say that. Yeah, I know, poor pitiful Bri, worrying about her own pain when she's hurting everyone else in the process, how selfish can you get? I don't want to hurt Greg, I really don't. Even after everything we've been through, everything he's put me through and vice versa, I really don't want to hurt him. Yes, I still care about him enough to not want to cause him any pain but I can't love him the way he needs and wants me to anymore. I've tried whether he believes it or not and it just isn't working. I feel more annoyed by him than anything else. It gets to where I don't want to come home anymore if I know he's going to be there. That's not how it should be. Travis treats me so well. He wants nothing more than for me to be happy even if that means staying with Greg. I admire him for that and respect him as well for his strength and character. My friends really like him also. Greg's not exactly their favorite person. They tried to warn me before I married Greg, but I didn't listen. The invitations had already been mailed, everything was all set up, and my dress wouldn't fit after another week or so because I was pregnant. Truth be told I felt very pressured into marrying Greg which is odd because I knew months before that I wanted to marry him, even convinced him to try and let me plan it for May. Then I got pregnant and we had to push it up or else have to wait until I had the baby. I lost the baby three days before the wedding. I still felt like I should go through with it because I knew all I'd hear from everyone was 'well, I paid good money for this' or 'we spent all this time trying to set this up' or 'you've been bitching to marry him for months now and you're just going to back out now??' Most of that would probably be from my father. He paid for most of the wedding even though I never asked him to. He never approved of me getting married in the first place. Now he likes Greg and says I'm treating him horribly. In other words implying that I'm a horrible wife and that Greg could do better. Maybe that's the case. I don't know. I feel bad enough already, I don't need to add another guilt trip into the mix. I just wish it would all stop and for once things would be easy for me, but life is never easy as I've come to find out over the course of the past 22 years. Shame really...I could use an easy way out with no consequences.

Had my appointment with the clinic yesterday to go over my bloodwork. Thankfully I show no signs of being anemic or diabetic which is a huge relief. I also managed to get the OB-GYN that I wanted. He's actually the same doctor who delivered my little brother seven years ago. My mother had nothing but good things to say about him so I figured I might as well see if he was available, which luckily he was. My first appointment with him is on September 12th. It's at 12:50 in the afternoon so at least I get to sleep late. lol.



I also signed up for WIC which I know Jen will be relieved to hear. My appointment for that is this coming Wednesday at 9:15. I only hope the clinic has power back by then. They haven't all this week so for my appointment yesterday I had to go all the way to the actual hospital itself. They were flying hurricane victims in on helicopters the whole time I was there. It was so sad to see those people so devastated and in such pain. They had a pregnant woman who was probably very close to her due date sitting in the lobby crying her eyes out. I'm not sure but I'm assuming she was from New Orleans or the surrounding area.



I had a man come up to me in the store yesterday from a town very near New Orleans. He asked me where he could find the batteries and I told him. Then he asked if I was a local to which I responded yes. He then told me about how he lost his home, the same home he'd lived in all his life. How he'd watched some of his neighbors die by having their homes collapse on top of them. He begged me to be thankful that I still had a roof over my head and food to eat, to never take it for granted. I promise, I never will. And to whomever you are, sir, I wish you all the best of luck and happiness in your life.