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I sit here it is now 2:14 am, I just got off the phone with the one person who has EVER been able to touch my very being of who I am in every single way possible, he has lightened up my life in so many ways I cannot even describe. He is the man I have always longed for, he is perfect in every way in my eyes. I hear his voice and the words I love you come out of his mouth and things happen to me that I have never had happen before the feeling of unconditional love I never thought was possible between a man and a woman I thought that was only possible between a parent and their child, I have now learned that is not true. This man I love unconditionaly and he loves me in the same ways we can be ourselves when we are with each other, we don't hide anything the communication between us is so awesome.

And to think I met him in a little IRC channel and now he is my life, my love, my everything he is the very breathe that I take each day he exists deep within me, he invades my thoughts throughout each day and I can't wait until we are together mind, body, soul to become one, and that goes Much,MUch deeper then just sex, sure sex is an extra bonus but being with each other just laying beside one another without actual sex can be the most satisfying thing.

I have been with men and thought I was in love, I was married and thought I was in love had two children with this man and still I never felt as strongly as I do for him. I feel within me that this is what true love truely feels like.



*sighs and smiles contently*

So to start out my life's journey into madness was when I was 2 years old, my dad had an affair on my mom and produced a child with this woman he had an affair with so left my mom and I high and dry for the other woman. I wouldn't see my dad again until I was 4 years old when he came to me on the street and said he was my father when all I knew is that my step father was my dad I was really upset by this. Then that would be the last time I saw my dad, as I grew older I wanted to be more my step dad's daughter by getting my name changed to his and I had to go to my real dad and get his permission I went to see him and he refused and wanted to form a relationship with me that lasted a whole of 9 months when my mom wanted money from him to support me then he stopped seeing me.



As I grew up I saw violence, rage,windows being smashed in, my step father in drunken rages would smash things and my mom and him would argue until dawn broke the night sky. I remember hiding in closets with my siblings wishing it would stop, wishing the yelling and smashing would stop but it never did until someone left usualy my mom comming to fetch me out of the closet putting me in the car and then my step father kicking the passenger side window out of the car glass falling into my lap as the window broke, tears streaming down my face as I heard them yell and scream some more.



I grew older the age of 13 my step dad came home drunk again smashing things but this wasn't enough to fill his rage so he started hitting my mom, I got in the middle of this and he still went over me to hit at her so I got out of the middle of the violence when I saw my step dad put my mom against the wall and he was beating her. I had enough and called the police on him he was arrested although my mom didn't want to charge him, thats what usualy happends the woman don't want to press charges. If you are in an abusive relationship get out don't stick around for it to get worse.



My step father and mother got divorced some years after this incident when my mom found out he too was having an affair, I swear the affair thing is a family curse I too have been victim of affairs with the med I chose to be in my life which isn't many maybe 4 men in my whole life......and all 4 cheated on me even the one man I thought I could trust with all my being my husband with my best friend another I thought I could trust.



Anyways here I sit with two kids, alone, trying to trust people again and having no father we don't get along at all but I am making it slowly but surely one step at a time....even though sometimes I lose my sanity and take a trip into madness I think I am a good person and I have learned from all the shit I have had to go through to get here.

The depths of my madness there is no looking back, the sorrow I feel is a constant ache in my chest, I feel weak and drained of all my emotions except for one the love of another but can we be together him so far away, is it possible to be in each others arms one day? Is it all just a fairy tale that I am putting too much into or will I get to taste the sweet taste of his lips and feel the tingle run down my spine from his caress, these are the questions I always ask, as my madness grows longing for him, wanting him so badly I can almost taste it.

Loving him so much, loving no other like I love him.