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I was literally JUST overwhelmed by a sudden wave of depression and just complete hopelessness.



For some reason it just seems like no matter what I do, I lose. Always. Even though we had some MAJOR issues, I care/d for Mike, and I lost him to some girl named Molly. Now, he wants to come visit me...and bring her. He wants to take me to prom as friend...and bring her with. Yes, I shouldn't care. I mean, we never got to see each other, and he never called, and I never called, and he was never online, and we all know I'm online too much for my own good. But I still - stupid as this is of me - miss him. I'm not a jealous person. I feel no jealousy towards this Molly girl. I just feel...rejected. Crushed. Alone. Depressed. Useless. Unwanted.



I had hoped Ryan still liked me, but of course he doesn't. Yotam says he does, but he lives in Canada and already has a gf who lives in TX, so that really doesn't matter does it? Jon doesn't care for me in that way. I'm starting to doubt anyone ever will. I don't think Mike even did, I mean, two days after we broke up he already had someone else. And he's happy with her. Which is good, he should be, but still...how can you supposedly love someone the way he said he loved me, and just get over them that quickly?



Fuck me, I'm actually crying. I can't stand it. Crying just sucks, and I feel so vulnerable and just...I can't even describe it. Like nothing is ever going to be worth it, and I'm never going to be worth anything. Which is honestly probably true...



Try as hard as I can, I can't even keep up my facade of happy peppy hyper Toby right now. I'm sure I will once I get to school, but whatever. That's three hours away.



Sadly, the only comfort I have at the moment - and it isn't even that comforting - is smoking. Yay, health. Fuck health. Every time I eat I feel like a fat pig. I hate looking at myself. The only thing I can stand to see is my face, and sometimes even that disgusts me. Someone explain this to me, please? I have no reasons to be unhappy, or to feel so hurt. It's good of V to have moved on, I'm going back to everyone I care about [[most everyone...]] after I graduate, I get to go to university...what's wrong with me?



It's really too bad I can't find my razorblades. Well it's probably a good thing. Then again, I doubt I'd do it anyway...I'm too much of a pansy now. Yes, I'm probably too scared to cut myself. And that's one of the few things that used to help me deal with this feeling, this emptiness, this...whatever it is.



Seriously, please, what's the matter with me?? I was perfectly fine like an hour ago, and then out of nowhere...this...



I was even happy earlier! I was content with how I looked, set on trying to improve myself...confident about my new haircut, motivated to be better at being me, I could even honestly say that I had some self-confidence for once, that I liked myself at that time. Where did it go?



I tire of this. Of everything. I wish it would just go away.



WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?



I'm going to go, I can't think of anything more to write, and this isn't really helping. Tears keep blurring my vision as it is, so this is pointless anyway.



Just like everything about me.



Pointless.

Okay, so as of right now, it looks like my energy's getting turned off on the 15th of April, which means I'm gonna be MIA for a while. This also means I can't help with Trivia...sorry guys. Soo yeah, I guess I'll see you all when I move back or whatever then....Also, the phone will prolly get turned off cuz guess what? No money for that either....Soo yeah I'll call people or something when I can. Pzo fo now dudes.