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i know that what don't kill me will someday make me stronger.But here lately i have even had dreams where i was standing infront of a mirror and said *what your not dead yet?*talking to myself as i looked in it my refelection answered me back *shoot no and i won't give up and try to make things better for the world by quiteing eather. because the world hasn't made it easy on me*.a lot of people don't realy understand how hard headed i have been in my life. as a kid my mom and i moved so much that i failed twice and skiped a grade all in the same year. my school recardes was always lost. there were times we had problomes like no water or lights. but we still made it. we cooked on a wood cook stove and the fire place and got water from a well or a spring and also we even took our bath in a creak we used lamps for light. maybe if i hadn't been through that stuff then i would not be as strong as i am now. because my water was cut off almost a 3 weeks ago and i have been getting rain water to flush my tolits and any thing else including takeing a bath (beleave me when i say you don't know how much you will miss something till it's gone) any way then i was told by my case manager with HRS that they are going to take all my rights away from me when it comes to my kids. and then friday i was told that i have till the 6th of SEPT to be out of this house. and i have no other place to go. so if i get through all this i will be one strong person because as my kids say when we joke arond i can't go nutz because i went there and they sent me back because i was too far gone even for them.lol and to top it all of my mom worrys about me if i don't cal her every night and tell her that every thing is alright. my mom has had open heart sergry and i don't want to cause her to have a heart attack so i lie about every thing and say every thing is fine. and then when i get off the phone i just sit and cry inside because i lied and also about the way things are. but i try not to let them out because i know that if they ever make it out i will not be able to stop them. i just keep telling myself if it don't kill me it will make me stronger

In my dreams i can see,hear,and feel my kids with me and it seems so real. And that is why I try not to sleep at night. For when I wake up they are gone and I'm alone. some nights when I sleep I think I hear them crying because they had a bad dream. I wake up and even make it to their door. Then I remember their not here any more, my tears fall and hit the floor as I go back to my bedroom and close the door turn on the raido and go online some more just to stay awake as long as I can. At least till 9 or 10 then I can trick my mind once again and say all my kids are in school for the day. But when I wake up then the truth hits me hard and fast. I don't know how much more I can take or if my saninty will last. I miss sneeking in and giveing them extra kisses at night or when they have a bad dream telling them every thing is alright. Can you guess how hard it is to only have 2 hr every other week with your kids or to feel your heart rip into because they all start to cry when you all run out of time. I try not to cryas I tell them good bye wipeing away the tears from each of their little faces before they are took to diffrent places.In my heart there is a peice of you and I know that in your heart there is a peace of me. this way no mater how far apart we are in our hearts we always together. and now you just a little of what I go through