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Wow... didn't realize lonliness hurt this much

Learn something everyday, I guess...

I decided to read over my journal

Bad decision I might add...

And just for the record, I'm a emotional wreck...

From beginning to finish.. nothing but pain



I've had a lot of things happen over the years

Bad relationships... horrible situations

Nightmares that shake to the very core

Death taking away pieces of you

Divorces... miscarriages... suicide...

So many things I've witnessed



How do I sleep at night, you ask?

Simple... I don't...

Sleep is over-rated anyways, don't you think?

Well, it is...

Fucking rollercoaster...

Yep, that's my life



Am I bitching?

Nah... I'm not...

I swear I'm not...

I've done too much of that already...

And maybe I had to do that for healing's sake

But it doesn't change the fact that I hate doing it



I could blame my exboyfriend for my situation

But who would buy that?

I wouldn't...

Could blame my father's death...

I can't bring myself to blame my father for anything

I guess there's no one to blame...



Almost five months of being single...

Still haven't gotten used to it

I find myself reaching out for him...

I curse his name every time I do

Childish?

It would seem so... wouldn't it...

I sit here... looking at this soothing black background

With the white letters covering it’s page…

And just smile... it never looses its appeal

Never turns me away...

Never judges...

Just welcomes the words that I'm longing to write



Most of the time, I cry during each poem or letter

Lets me know I'm tapping in deep enough

Makes it worth writing... and starts the process of healing

Painful process, by the way...

Each poem aids in allowing the bad to escape

So the healing can consume the emptiness



I haven't given myself enough time to heal in the past

I instead helped others... that's just my way...

Too sweet for my own good... some would say

Others would say I'm just stubborn...

You decide which one is true...

I must admit, running away from pain was easier



I ran... but didn't get far...

At least not as far as I would have liked...

I happily sold my soul to ignorance

Only to realize it rotted my insides...

One step forward and two steps back

Isn't that how the saying goes?



I have the habit of putting myself on the back burner

For people who tend to spit in my face

Either literally... or metaphorically...

They act like it was my duty or something

Well, I hate to have to be the barrier of bad news

But I didn't have to do anything for you



Pardon me for caring about your existence

Where you end up... and how you get there...

It won't happen again... I assure you...

I didn't want your empty praise...

I just wanted to feel like you appreciated me

You're so good at lying... why didn't you lie to me?



I bend over backwards... over and over again

Until I think I might break...

One situation after another that I have to bail you out of

For once, I'd like to be rescued

But that would never happen... I know it wouldn't

I can't even imagine myself in that role...



I'd never put myself into a position to be rescued

Only a selected few have seen me in that state

Strength, I'm comfortable with...

Strength, I can handle...

I'm so used to helping other people that I forget

I'm only human... I can break... easily...



I've been broken many times...

And there will be many more...

But one thing won't ever change, I'll pick up the pieces

Every time...

Molding myself into the woman that I'm destined to be

I just hope that it's someone that I can live with



Meanwhile, I'll sit back in my chair and enjoy the ride

At times, it'll make me sick...

And I'll want to just stop the whole thing

But if I stay on, finish the journey...

Just might be worth the time and effort

*leans back and smiles at the black background*

I miss you... more than I'm wiling to admit

Bits and pieces of my life were wrapped up in you

You'd lay against me... so warm...

Protecting me from dangerous world we live in

Yet I don't think I ever really appreciated you



You'd wait for me until I got home from school...

Church... work... parties...

When I cried, you'd love on me

Make me laugh even though it hurt so much

Listened to my problems... never criticized...



You were soft... very affectionate

Just running my hands down your back soothed me

Calmed all my fears... drove the darkness away

Didn't complain much except when I brought you to the doctor

*laughs* You'd bitch the whole way there...



I remember the place and time I heard of your death

I was driving my mother to work... and she told me

I'm sorry that I wasn't there to hold you

I know you must have wondered where I was

I still cry over the fact that I wasn't...



I didn't abandon you... I'd never do that

You were gone before I could get there

I blame myself... completely...

I hate the fact that I didn't bury you

Jason refused to let me... he wanted to do it



People must think I'm nuts for feeling this way

A dog... that's not a person...

Well, fuck that... I still mourn your death...

And cry when I think about you

You were getting old, but you were always a puppy in my eyes



I was moving some things last night

And I found one of your hidden bones...

I put it right back where I found it

I knew you would have wanted it that way

I miss you, Spanky... *cries* I really do...



Rest in peace, shaman...

No, I won't bitch about an ex...

I do it WAY too much... I know...

And I won't sit here telling you about how God fucked me over

Pointless conversation if I did bring up those things

So I won't...



Please don't look at me... I hate it when you stare

Judging... seeing failure in every curve on my face

With every tear that falls, the weaker I am in your eyes

Stay silent... you know that your voice upsets me

Damn good at tearing me down... never learned to rebuild



I know what you're thinking... I can see it in your eyes

"God, how did she end up like that?"

Good question, I must admit...

Years of practice...

Didn't become like this over night, hun...



Wow... you're becoming pale...

Loosing color right before me

The bags under your eyes are obvious now

Are you OK, sweetheart?

I don't think you are...



I hate standing here completely helpless, useless

At the sight of your tears, mine fall

I wish you would just take my hand...

You know I'll help you as best as I can

You need only to let me...



By your expression, I see that you don't believe me

Your right, I guess... *sighs*

I understand completely cuz I'm a stranger

But I must admit that you do look familiar...

*shrugs and walks away from the mirror*

You hide behind the title of 'friend'

Yet you make comments that make me wonder what you really want

One minute you're really sweet...

And the other, you're telling me about the sex you had

Not a smart move I might add, hun...



If you ever wanted me, that’s not the way

With every story, you put more and more distance between us

How could I touch your skin knowing she did too?

Practically moments before me...

I won't be second best... I refuse...



I had a whole year and a half of that

Being second best to a game…

And I won’t do it again…

Not even for you

Choose… what do you want…



Do you actually think you sound cool?

Thirty-five sex partners...

*sighs* Wow...

I want to just jump your body now... *rolls eyes*

Not exactly what a virgin wants to hear



I’ve got a great idea…

How about you stay with those thirty-five partners

And you leave me alone…

Cause I have no intention on dating you

Or touching that Aids carrying appendage in your pants!

There you are... right on time

It hasn't been a bed of roses since we've been us

Just take my word on that one...

The nights are longer and colder

Or at least that's what it seems sometimes



At first, anger drove me...

So pure... so powerful...

If you're angry, you don't have time to hurt

Yet when the anger subsides

There it is... waiting for you...



Pain... so much pain you think you might go mad

At a point, you beg for insanity

Dropping to your knees... weak and powerless…

Insanity makes you feel better for reacting the way you do

Gives you an excuse to scream and throw things



You decide that friendship can't be that bad

What the hell, right?

Friends warn you against it strongly...

Deep down, you don't want to let him go completely

Your little secret...



He, of course, tells you every chance he gets that he still loves you

Which rips at your insides... making you cringe in pain

You wonder if it's bravery or stupidity that he still says those things

Coin toss, I guess...

Anyone have a coin I could borrow??



Even months later, the pain still resurfaces

Usually at the worse possible times

You hear of certain things that make your heart break more

Flirting with a friend... broking promises...

The list goes on... and on...



The excuses fly when confronted...

I expect no less... definitely not more...

He first becomes defensive... then emotional

Yet again going down a list of things YOU did wrong

Because at the end, he has to deal with the fact that he fucked up



Throws it in my face that he's talking to someone

42 years old, he says...

Honestly, not sure why he tells me that

Thought that I'd get jealous??

My jealous days toward him are over



Talk of suicide... ultimate drama king, I swear...

Need to make him a crown to wear...

It all comes back… why we broke up in the first place

The whine in his voice is like nails on chalkboard

Wonders to self how I got through over a year with him...



Before I know it, I'm comforting him...

Which he rarely did for me

He needed me to mend him yet I mended myself...

I become instantly emotional when I realized that I still do it

Goddamn him...



In no time, I'm reaching the breaking point

Whole body shaking uncontrolably

Tears streaming down my pale cheeks

I beg with him to stop talking of such things... death...

He shrugs me off... no surprise at all...



Figures... *shrugs*

Then just kill yourself, William...

If that's what you really want... go ahead buddy...

I honestly don't think you'll do it...

And a part of me hopes you prove me wrong...

Doesn't surprise me that you've come back

I was getting too comfortable...

I hear the journey was hard on you

I'm sorry about that, hun... I really am

No one deserves what you've went through



You say that you've missed me...

Not sure how to take that statement...

You'll always love me, huh?

Have you told your girlfriend that yet?

Somehow I don't think you have



I've wondered how this would be

Me and you... face to face again

Played it over and over in my head countless times

What I would feel... say... do... if we ever spoke

Still not 100% sure how I feel about this



Don't act like everything's perfect between us

If it were, I would have heard from you

Not a word for over a month

Yes, life was hard... but hell, it was hard on me too

Just one message could have made the difference



You beg me to let you get close to me again

Honestly, I'm not sure if you're worth the pain

I care for you... never doubt that...

The long distance never played in our favor

But we still had something... indefinable...



What hurts the most is that it's still there

So easy to fall into those past roles

Play the girlfriend who doesn't bitch or complain

Just gives the endless support and love

Unlike the woman you call your girlfriend



"If you lived closer, I wouldn't even be with her."

Low blow, darling... keep those gloves up

And you wonder why I become defensive

Could you do me a favor, hun?

Think before you speak... thanks...



Let me take this time to lay down some rules

I will NOT stay home and wait on you like I once did

I will NOT be your make-believe girlfriend

If your real one isn't doing her job, break up with her

I will only be your friend if you can treat me with respect



Lets also get this straight, I don't need you...

Wow... that felt good... let me repeat... I don’t need you...

Not 100% sure if I ever really did

YOU need ME... not the other way around...

So you check yourself before you open that mouth of yours



We're going to play by my rules this time

And I won't hesitate to walk out that door

Don't underestimate what I'm capable of, darling...

With time, my kind eyes have become cold and calculated

Piss me off and you will pay



Heavily...

No, I'm not Ok... and I won't sit here, saying that I am

I'm not big on denial... or delusions...

I'm realistic and pessimistic naturally

I'll admit that it seems like such a hard journey

One that I was scared to attempt



Through the eyes of a weeping friend

I found strength... promise... life... meaning...

Something I've never felt in a long time

Yet it was given so willingly...

So innocent... so pure...



I sat there, looking into her eyes

Battling myself to even shed a tear at the words she said

Damn pride... walls just refused to fall

But one touch of her hand... that’s all it took

The tears fell along with the walls that I built



Was I suddenly healed?

Pain totally gone... never to return?

Sadly no...

But more happened... I realized that I wasn't alone

Her hand will always be there to hold when things get tough



Yes, I'm bitter at my mother for the past and the present

My brother for the choices he made

God for the promises He's broken

But I don't have to be...

It'll take time... but I'm willing to take the steps



I don't want to be a bitter, angry person

The one that never lets go of the past

Therefore, misses the future

I've made many mistakes

I refuse to let this be yet another one to add to the list



I'm not perfect... I fuck up to...

Shit, it seems like I never stop these days

But even through trials, you can learn

And that's what I intend to do from now on

No, it won't be a bed of roses... I know that...



I can't forget it... but I sure as hell can accept it

Work through my pain and begin to heal

Possibly for the first time in my life

And just for once let the chains fall to the ground

Instead of allowing them to dictate my life

You're a fucking asshole

Yet asshole doesn't even seem enough

You promised me that you would always love me

Treat me with respect

Be beside me for as long as this road took us

Give 100% and try to make things work



You screwed up... yet blamed me for it

How loving of you, by the way...

Your friends like me better so I'm obviously a slut!

No honey... I'm sorry… you're just an asshole

That's why they liked me better

Wasn't because I flirted with them or cybered



I stood by you even when you were wrong

Which was a lot... mind you...

Loved you even though you can be so unlovable

Defended you when friends told me to dump you

Fought with my mother for you to stay with us

Gave you 110%... never cheating...



Yet you took it upon yourself to break every promise

Every "I love you" was complete and utter shit!

You didn't want to be with me

I was just the only one that would give you the time

Well, baby... have fun alone... cuz that’s your destiny

No one else will put up with your shit



When I think you couldn't possibly hurt me more

I hear from a friend that you hit on one of my other friends

Did you think that I wouldn't find out?

What the fuck where you thinkin?!?

I was a fucking idiot to let you in my life... in my pants!

I hope you enjoyed it... cuz you'll never get it again



I wish you never would’ve come here

Or touched me... or gotten as close as you have

I never let anyone close... but I let you the closest

That's what hurts the most... I feel sick...

You always complained about me being distant

THIS IS WHY! I ALWAYS GET HURT!



Well, have fun in your damned existence...

Just try to find someone who will give you what I did

You're the best that I've ever had... which is sad

*sighs*

But what's even sadder is that I rather be alone than with you

So fucking putrefy in Hell, mother fucker...

I'm not always the rock that you see

I cry in the darkness away from people

I have wounds covering my body

Clothing hides them well



Sometimes I lie... without reason

But I'm rarely ever caught... unless I want to

Jealousy rears its ugly head at me often

But you'll never see it



I'm afraid of falling in love

I fuck up every relationship when it gets serious

I'm terrified of failing

Can't keep a job for nothing...



I tend to hide behind the computer screen

Beautiful isn't a word I'd use to describe me

I emotionally and mentally can't let go of my anger towards God

Someone's got to take the blame...



I keep men at an arm's length away at all times

No one has ever been close to me except friends

To fit in, I act like I know more than I do about sex

Just have a good imagination, that’s all



Started smoking because I thought it made me look cool

Smoking is my biggest addiction... It'll probably kill me

I have strong authority problems...

I never seem to stay out of trouble with elders



I sometimes quit when things get hard...

I haven't reached many of my goals

Possibly could be manic-depressive...

I usually very jokey and bubbly... but inside I'm very down



There are many faults that I have...

Many that even the closest people, don't know

I tend to hide behind masks...

But sooner or later the masks must come off...



So, here I am... nothing hidden from your eyes

Vulnerable... naked... transparent

Are you going to stay... or leave?

It's your choice... and yours only...

Everything with you is always a fight

You can't say one simple sentence without lecturing me

I'm your daughter... not your punching bag

Nor am I your puppet

I don't enjoy having hands stuck up my ass



I'm sick of you blind siding me with this shit

I never do anything to your standards

If things aren't working out, it's got to be my fault

No... couldn't be God...

Couldn't be you... or just my fuckin luck



Somehow along the way, I've fucked up

Too many sins... not enough confession, I guess

I'm not the daughter you wanted therefore you bitch constantly

Even when I leave the room

You just yell louder everything you hate about me



No, I'm not perfect...

Fucking get over that... cuz it's not going to change

I am who I am...

Yes, I'm angry towards God... and everyone else in my life

Mostly I have good reason for it



I don't have to explain anything to you

IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKIN BUSINESS ANYWAYS!

You're like talking to a brick wall

Actually, I rather talk to the wall instead

At least I know what I'm up against



You tell me that I have no right to hate God or feel what I do

"It's been two years. You need to move on."

Well, mother... fuck you...

Just because you can just dismiss dad so easily

Doesn't mean that I can!



I make a valid point so you just scream louder

I'm still right, mother... so scream all you want

Yet another thing that won't change

Mommy doesn't know best anymore

Did she ever?



You read some of my poetry behind my back

Trying to "get to know" me

Whatever you wanted to snoop

Well, I hope you read this one...

Read it... and chew on it for a while...





Then choke...

As the darkness takes over the light

Coldness sets into my bones

A shiver runs down my spine and sit straight up

Sighs as slouches back over

The night can be so cruel to the lonely heart



Looking at the phone, I shed a tear

No one to call... no one to call me

Just this empty bed and me

The blankets hold no warmth for this freezing soul

Should I call him?



I've fought with myself to not be bitter

Don't become annoyed or angry when I'm around a couple

But I've lost... or I've just given up...

I put on a fake smile... but inside I'm hurting

Why couldn't my relationship work?



I can't only blame him that wouldn’t be right

I fucked up just as much...

Fought when I just should have dropped it

He still wants me back...

And no matter how much I want to, I can't



I can't just act like the words weren't said

The way he treated me was horrible

But I also can't help wanting someone

Needing someone to care...

A man to love me for all that I am



Even the couples that fight, anger me

At least they care enough to fight, right?

I took him for granted... kept him at arm's length

Two things that sealed our fate

I could try to hate him... but it wouldn’t matter



In the middle of the night, I still cry for him

His touch... his arms... his kiss

Pathetic maybe... but that's how it is

I think I'll always love him... no matter what

The past doesn't change the fact that I care



When the world gets quiet like this

I think to myself that maybe I should call him

Maybe... try... just one more time

I've learned where I went wrong

Just maybe he did too



I pick up the phone, dial the number

Ring...

Ring...

Hello?

I start to cry as I hang up quickly



*sighs* Maybe next time...

You want me to hold you...

Give you what you crave

I can't... i won't...

You're married... kids and all

I'm a lot of things, but home wrecker isnt one

Don't come any closer... I'm warning you



You say that you're happy with your wife

But you grab my ass every chance you get

Please... don't ask that of me

You know I can't... I won't do it...

I can hear them in the background... they sound so happy

They miss you... I know they do



What's so good about me anyways?

I'm a broken hearted soul

Searching for a safe haven to rest my weary head

Nothing to offer you...

There you are with the perfect life

Ready to fuck it up by talking to me



You swear that you've never cheated before

But the way you play your game, I know you're lying

I see it in your eyes... but can you see mine?

Look up and maybe you'll have a better chance

My tits aren't here for your enjoyment

And neither am I

I can't stand the thought of my blood flowing through your veins anymore

The thought makes me sick to my stomach

Yes, you conceived me

Raised me for the last 23 years

Taught me many things... including how to hate

But you are far from a mother figure



You are so vindictive...

Shoving religion down my throat ever since I was born

Shaming me into going to church

Making me feel like shit if I don’t go for one Sunday

Do you realize that it hurts to walk into there?

Sometimes I wonder



You pushed and pushed

"I believed William over you."

You bitch... how fuckin dare you take his side!

Especially after you repeatedly told me to break it off with him

You sat there and cried as I began to tell you how I felt

Yet I didn't shed a tear... anger choked my tears



Anger... hate... pain... resentment... distain...

All for you mother... on a silver platter

I told you bits and pieces of what I felt

Gave you as much as I thought you could handle

Still think I somehow gave too much

Felt sorry for you as you wept in the back seat



All I had to do was remember what you said

One single comment as dad lay on his deathbed

And all empathy disappeared... my eyes ran cold

My hands became fists... and for once, I wanted to fight

Hit you as hard as I could… but I knew if I started, I wouldn’t stop

You betrayed us, mother… dad, me, and Jason…



You think you are the only one that’s hurting

How selfish can one person be?

I was there to hold you when things got bad

Putting my own wounds on the back burner

I made a mistake and helped you

I won’t make it again…



You asked me if I dated William just to make a statement

Well, get off that high horse…

The world does not revolve around you

A shocker, I know…

I dated him because I needed someone to be there for me

Something YOU should have done



Remove your hands from around my neck

You can’t silence me…

Nor do you want people to see the bruises that you leave

You can keep your precious reputation

But just know that I know the real you

You can’t hide from me…

Dear Jason,



*sighs* Just typing your name hurts. Fuck... I'm crying already and I haven't even started to really write. Brother... my brother... my blood is your blood. It's been a long and trying 22 years.



I used to look up to you when I was little. You were everything that I wasn't. If I couldn't be dad, I wanted to be you. Strong... independent... loved by all. It hurts that I don't think that way anymore. I love you to death. I really do... but since dad's death you have seriously changed for the worse. I guess we all have. I get bits and pieces of the old Jason every once in a while.



Drama... loss... grief... pain... circumstance... stress... it's all gotten in the way of our friendship. I remember the time we went to Teen Concept. We cried and told each other that we loved each other. That was the peak of our relationship... and then we slowly lost each other over the years. Became enemies somehow. Why did you turn on me, brother? What have I done to make you resent me so much?



It's like you hate me. That look in your eyes when you talk to me. It hurts so fucking bad. I wish you could talk to me without screaming. Without everything being a fight. I know it's hard. Believe me. I never wanted you to have to take on all of this. This wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to stay out of this house and be happy.... but that's not how it went. I'm sorry for that.



I can only imagine how you felt to have to take over the house bills. Max out every credit card just to pull it off. If there were a way, I would have saved you from that in a heartbeat. But you have to realize that it's not my fault. Blame me if you wish, brother. If it makes it a little less painful, go ahead. Just know that it's false and you'll have to deal with it someday. Maybe not today... or tomorrow... but one day you'll have to face it.



I've bore so much pain for you. I've kept my mouth shut when you made me feel worthless and stupid. Back handed me with hurtful statements. Denied me closure with Spanky. Blamed me for things that were out of my control and put unnecessary stress on my shoulders... I never even complained. All these things you've done yet I bore it all without so much as a word. I even helped you hide your addictions from the people who would judge you. Let you keep your "perfect" status.



To sit there and act like you know what I've been through is complete and utter bullshit. You were out of the house and free to do whatever you wanted. But not me. I made my choice. I stayed with our father. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it for a second, but there was a heavy price to pay to stay. If I had to do it all over again, I would though. Every time.



Who hand fed him when he was too weak to do it himself... only to have him throw it up moments later? Who watched him slowly die right before their eyes? Drove him to appointments... held his hand when the pain was greater than he could bear... smiled through the tears when all hope was gone... took the shit from the family because I just never did things to their impossible standards?



Who brother!!!! Fucking look at me... dont be a pussy! Say it! Was it me or you? You know that it was me! Not you! You were perfectly content in your freedom... pretending that everything would be all right. Yet you take every opportunity to rag on me for still living at home. Well, fuck you. FUCK YOU!!!!!



I've done everything you've ever asked of me and you still make me feel like shit. I see it in your eyes. You hate me... hate everything about me. And I know why. You hate the fact I remind you of daddy and that I did what YOU were supposed to do. Oh, you rushed to his side when things got extremely bad.... but you weren’t there when he cried at night. You didn't hear his weeping through the walls. You weren't there through any of it. Waking up to his cries at night. While you slept on your three thousand dollar mattress... I was sitting next to dad as he threw up his meds and tried to find a way to stop his whole body from hurting.



I hope you slept well, Jason. I really do. You betrayed your father for a fucking sleep so it better have been worth it. How did you get to sleep? Hell, that's beyond me. I didn't sleep for the whole 13 months dad was sick... and still don't. Staying in the house with him... and not being able to get away as much as I needed as made nightmares frequent. I hear his cries... beating on the wall with his cane for help... all these things plaque on me.... yet you sleep fine at night.



Live it up. You're day will come. You'll get what's coming to you. And you know what? Because I love you, I'll be there holding your hand when it does. You know why? I'll tell you. Because that's what family does. Through all of this, I still love you... and I still see the old Jason behind the new one. I just wish you would let the old come out more. I miss him. More than I can ever say. Do me a favor... tell the old Jason that I miss him. Mostly his laugh.



Just remember that we're in this together. You're not alone and neither am I. But with us on different sides, it's slowly killing us. If we could just somehow find a way to remove this divide that's between us, this would be so much more bearable. Won't bring dad back... but it'll put a smile on his face. And that by itself is why I'm willing to make this work.



I love you, Jason. Always have... always will. I'll do this alone... I’m fine with that. I've been doing things without you for years now... but I would much rather you be by my side. It's your decision. I just hope you make the right one before it's too late.



Til Death,

Sherry Lynn

Dear God,



I was asked by a friend to write you... and honestly, I don't know what to say. I've tried to talk to you several times about things. Hell, you know what's going on. I don't have to tell you. Each time I've tried to talk to you, I've either screamed my lungs out until I'm horse or just cried in long sobs until I fall asleep. At the moment, I'm fighting the urge to punch the screen.



I wish I could just come out and tell you what's on my mind, but... I'm so weak. I don't know if I have the strength to even fight... or even explain why I feel the way that I do. This hurts mentally, spiritually, and emotionally... so damn badly. I almost can't stand it.



I guess I'll start off by saying that I truly do believe in you...and I think that's what hurts the most. Raised in church all my life... dedicated when I was a baby... yet when I needed you, you were nowhere to be found. I prayed and prayed for a miracle. Something... anything... and I received nothing. Absolutely nothing.



I needed to believe in you. Desperately clinging to you when times got bad. Heaven... without it, I would never see my father again... so I have to believe that it's real. Doesn't that mean something? I mean... damn, am I that bad of a person? What did I do to deserve this? He was everything to me... everything. Did I not listen? Not do enough? Did I fail you in some way and you had to get my attention? Well... you got it.



How could you do that? What fucking right do you have? My father wasn't perfect by any means... but he always praised you. Did so many things in your name. Did what you asked of him... even death. No reason... no explanation. Just gave him cancer and that was it. You didn't need him anymore therefore no one needed him. Did you even stop to think of me? He was MY fucking father. Even think how that would affect me? Ripping him out of my arms like that.



It's bullshit... all bullshit. Everything. You're lucky that I've made promises to people at church, who I refuse to let down or I'd never come back to that church. Just forget about those hypocrical people and gossipers... people who refuse to admit that their shit stinks and the ones that hide their soiled hands in their full pockets. Do you know what that's like? You let me down, God. BIG time. I don't know if this can ever be reconciled so I won't make false promises of returning.



Some people say his death was because shit just happens. Well, that's not good enough. I need something more. Mom shoves you down my throat daily. Blames me for my anger towards you. Sin in my life and rebellion she says. Smoking mostly. Well, that’s a lie. It's your fault that my father isn't sitting next to me right now. Not smoking... or cussing... or any sin I've committed. He loved you so fucking much and it feels like you don't even give a shit.



You had the power to heal him yet you didn't. Why? I deserve to know why. I demand an answer. Why couldn't you spare his life? Sometimes I wish I had killed myself. Would be so much easier on me... but I didn't. Know why? I'll tell you. Responsibility. I have a responsibility to my friends... family... church family... future husband and kids to finish my life. Not punish them for your mistakes.



That's the difference between you and I. I fucking care what happens to people. My decisions affect other people and so do yours. Something that you haven't learned, I see. You promised me that you'd never leave me. Liar! You left right as I needed you. What kind of god are you?



I was a better person because of him. He was a part of me... and I a part of him. How could you take that away from us? What about my mother? Crying nights upon nights... non-stop? My brother taking on twice the bills to keep us afloat. We're at each other's throats because this wasn't supposed to happen! He was supposed to stay out on his own... and me eventually move out so mom and dad could grow old together. Now Jason's stressed with over responsibility... mom has had to go out on her own, fighting for every little thing... and I... I've got to somehow overcome my sadness and make something of myself before I totally decay yet I'm denied my cornerstone. Do you even give a shit? I'm not the only one's hurting. Rachel hurts as well. So many that you've abandoned. It's not just me.



None of these questions have been answered. Honestly, don't think that they ever will. After this, my trust is running thin with you. Very thin... but if you are listening and decide to actually act like my Heavenly Father, do me a favor. I don't know if people in Heaven can see us on earth but if they can, shield my father's eyes. I don't want him to see me like this.



Think of it as a last request. I won't ask for anything else. Why should I? Doesn't matter anyways, does it? *sighs* I would say "I love you" right now... but this whole letter is making me physically ill. I'm feeling a lot of emotions at this moment, but love isn't one of them. *sighs* You know... I miss you. I really do. That's the saddest part.



Your broken child,

Sherry Lynn