The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

You know... it shouldn’t surprise me that you're screaming

You never could hold down a conversation without it

Do you honestly think by doing that I'll get close to you?

Well, you're sadly mistaken...



I'm sick and tired of being nothing in your eyes

Can’t give me the benefit of the doubt on anything

Can't just simply ask me a question calmly...

You've got to scream over me...



You wonder why I was closer to daddy...

Well, this is it, mom... the main reason...

He never raised his voice to me

He had more respect for me than that



It's sad that our relationship has been torn like this

It's become apparent that you want us enemies

Be careful what you wish for...

You might actually get it



I know your bitter... resentful... etc

You know what... I am those things too...

I just don’t let you see it... I'd never put that stress on you...

Wish you would do the same for me



It's not my fault that everything is screwed up

It's not my fault that you have to go back to work

It's not my fault that we can’t get along

It's not my fuckin fault that your husband is dead...



You think I wanted it to be like this??

Us being at each other's throats?

Well, I don’t... it's the last thing I want

I lost my whole family... I don’t want to loose you



I'm quickly getting to the point where I just don’t care anymore

I know you're hurting... I can see it in your eyes...

But I wont stand here and let you rip me apart

I've done that for far too damn long...



One of these days, you'll wish we were closer

Might not be tomorrow... or the day after...

But you will wake up and want it...

I just hope I'm still willing to give it to you



You talk about how Rachel's mother treats her like shit

And how much you hate her for it...

Wish she would understand how great her daughter is

Well, mom... birds of a fucking feather flock together...

*grab the pages of my journal... sighs as I take a pin in my shaking hand...tears fall at the thoughts that run through my mind... what I should write... what I shouldn't... after a moment, I just rip up the sheets and walk off*

You know it wasn't supposed to end this way

I wasn't meant to be alone like this...

And as a person with an endless supply of pride

That's not easy to say or hear



As I sit with loved ones and eat enormous amounts of food

I wonder how it feels to have someone to think about the future with

To talk to when the heart becomes overwhelmed

To put your trust in and know it's safe



I've never had that...

Sometimes I wonder if I ever will...

Friends and family say yes... but my hearts torn

Love is the one thing I crave and frightened of



At times I become all sure of myself

Saying that I don’t need anyone or anything

Spitting nails at anyone who wishes to come close

But... *cries* I want to be wanted... I need it



I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night

And wishing on stars...

Being bitter towards people in love

Rolling my eyes when 'I love you' is said



I want so desperately to believe in something again

Even if it's childish...

I've already gave up on miracles

I don’t want to do the same with love



Every once in awhile, I still cry...

Mourn the death of a relationship I vowed to make-work

No matter the cost

But I refuse to sacrifice myself for it if he won’t



*sighs* I'll just sit here... staring at the stars

Wondering which one I should wish upon tonight

And just wipe away the tears when I realize

That I've wished upon all of them already...

Wow...

I honestly don't know how I'm going to put this one in words

I waited... day after day for you to realize

Realize how much pain you were allowing him to put you through

I cried night after night...

Wondering if you were going to marry him



I became angry when you took his word over mine

Just joking around, he said... and you believed it

From then on, he was in the middle of us

He demanded your time and tried to push me out

Didn't like the fact that I "ratted him out"

Friends before men... we always said



I... *sighs* was so hurt...

In my own personal Hell... watching it from afar

You making plans and him trying to be with me

Sleep was non-existent... the pain I felt was way too heavy

I saw the ground around you crumbling

And me powerless to stop it



I wish it didn't have to be me to shatter your dreams

I know you thought everything was great

Thought you found the one for you

But I could no longer stand by and witness it

My heart couldn't handle anymore...

*cries*



I struggled with myself until I thought I'd go mad

Cried until my eyes threatened to shut forever

My hands shook so badly it frightened me

I was afraid of myself... what I was capable of

The anger resurfaced again…

Anger at myself because I hadn’t told you sooner



But truth be told, I was terrified of what you'd say

Who you would believe... if it were I

Or if you'd take his side again...

I couldn't take it if you did

I was so broken hearted from the first time

There's no possible way I could go through that again



Finally, the words came out of my mouth

I told you what had been weighing on me

Choked on every word as I closed my eyes tightly

Hoping that any minute I'd wake up from this nightmare

Needless to say, it wasn't a dream...

*tears fall as I type those words*



It ripped my heart out when I heard the sadness

Right in the back of your throat... I heard it

The first tears that you swore you wouldn’t cry

It was like a hard rain falling down your cheeks

*shakes head*

I'm sorry...



I laid in bed all night worrying about you

Wondering how you were... if you needed me

Heard the phone ring during the night

Ran downstairs only to realize that it was my imagination

Fell asleep with the phone in my hands

Just in case...



The next morning you tell me that you're unsure

Break up... or try to make it work?

Trust is an issue... a big one...

And love is another issue as well

You ended up breaking it off with him

Crying about it afterwards but knew it was for the best



Now, I'm torn... wondering what's the matter with me

I've been waiting for this day...

Yet I don't feel any better... I'm still so hurt

I'm relieved that it's over...

But a part of me cries over the fact that it didn’t work out

I wish it would have... I really do...



I’m glad that we’re in a position to make things right

Now there’s no man to get in the way

We can hang out more… and talk more…

Things that I’ve missed… and I’m sure you as well

I’m glad that my sister has finally came home

Welcome back, girl…



Hurts to see you like this... more than you know

But I know with every day you’re away from him

Is another day closer to the perfect man for you

And though it hurts right now, it'll get better

One day you'll ask, "Who’s Travis?"

And I'll reply, "Oh, some asshole. No one important."

It's always at the point of exhaustion

When you realize how much you've neglected

Doing all the things you HAVE to do...

And forget about the things that you NEED to do

Like taking care of yourself...

Which an very important thing



You put so many people above yourself

And it's not like they ask to be put there

But you feel like they should

So you shove your needs behind you

Therefore, never making time

And never fully healing



You try to make everyone happy

But realize that that's impossible early in life

So you vow to only make friends and family happy

But with time, you realize that that's even harder

Friends and family seem to have higher expectations

Higher to fall...



Making everyone happy?

You must be kidding me!

I know that that's what you're thinking...

And that's your right...

Honestly, I'd say the same thing if I were you

It's a naive goal to make



The pedestal that you must stand on

Never seems to welcome you...

Let you try to balance on it daily

Failing over and over... yet never giving up

Pride won't allow loosing...

Won't stand for being a quitter



Finally your body can't wait any longer

And just takes what is hers... time...

Time to heal... time to restore... time to relax

You either are forced by sickness

Or it completely shuts down on you

Either way, it's receiving what it needs



You can't help it, but you feel like you're selfish

Just for taking time for you only... no one else

For once disregarding the cries for help

The appointments that aren't even for you

The things you feel obligated to do for the one's you love

The self-destructing dance you must perform

Fuck...

Why does it always have to build inside like this

Until I can't breathe anymore?

My eyes hurt so badly... tears wanting to fall

But I refuse... I wont break... not this time...



I won't break... I won't break... I won't break...

I've been down that road too much lately...

I won't break... I won't break... I won't break...

*shakes head as the tears reach the corners of my eyes*

I can't break... I can't break... I can't break...



I can't handle rock bottom... I just cant...

Stop pushing me closer to the edge...

You're not helping... STOP... let me go!

Please... no... stop pushing... please...

*screams loudly*



Take your hands from me...now!

Step back... dont fucking touch me!

I don't need your help... or anyone else's...

I'm fine... I swear I am... it's just a little pain

I can handle it... I can... and I will...

Silence shreds at my insides... making me cough bitterly

Grinding my teeth until I taste blood on my dry tongue

My own nail marks covering my flesh-clothed body

Crying even though the tears offer no comfort



Not knowing when to scream... when to be silent...

When to cry... when to hide the words that will destroy you

When to surrender and release... when to fight...

When to let you make your mistakes... when to protect



At the end, dear one, you’ll have to choose one…

Can’t have both… it’s not possible…

Fear and doubt has crept into my mind…

Refusing to release me from its chains



My whole body shakes as I think of this decision

This life-altering decision… the end of the beginning it seems

I’m sick to my stomach every time I think about how this could end

Just a man some say… *sighs* I wish it was…

I sigh as I watch the sun begin to set through a window

I prop my head up with my arms on the back of the couch

I guess everything has to turn cold and dark at some point

Runs my hand slowly down my freckled arm

The light brown hair moving with my touch



Sighs again as I look around the empty room

I go to reach for the phone... stops...

Shakes my head at it and looks back at the sun

It's barely lighting as it slowly slides down the sky

One last farewell until tomorrow...

As the shadows appear around me

I struggle not... nor do I become afraid

For thou art my sweet companion

I bear my wounds and battle scars without shame

Darkness has no regard for status or reservation



The darkness inspires even the purest poems

Drowning me in the deepest thoughts imaginable

Knowing not where I've been... or where I'm bound

But simply is satisfied that I'm resting in thee

Nothing else matters...



Wrap thy strong, cold arms around me...

Reveal the desires of thine heart, my dark lover

Please don't hide thy face from me in this hour

For I am weak... starving for affection and nourishment

I was abandoned by my master and need thee



The path I've trod hasn't been a pleasant one

By any means...

The sharp rocks I must walk upon have worn my feet

The wounds that once were rare... or all but expected

My tears leave a trace behind me only the broken hearted can see



Love is just a distant memory that plaques on the mind

Leaving thee with only nightmares...

And no cure to speak of

Happiness is only a figment of thine imagination

Diluting thee into thinking the impossible



The world provides a false hope and lies for comfort

Thereby abandoning thee in hopelessness and bitterness

Pessimistic viewpoint many would say

But I'd like to see it as just being realistic...

Completely and utterly realistic even when it hurts

There are times when I feel so broken

Weak... powerless... hopeless... cold...

This just happens to be one of those times...

Can't sleep... too tired for that...

Can't smile... I don't think I ever will again…

Can’t remember the last time I truly was happy



I'm tired of the fake laughs... smiles...

Pain is all I feel yet everyone thinks I'm fine

Wow... I'm a great actress it seems...

I play my part well... I've had enough practice

Oscar Award Winning I bet

I show people what I want to reveal



If I ever put a mirror to my emotions and showed the world

God, how would they react to such a black heart?

The pieces hanging on by a thread

I keep thinking that if I never become whole

I'll never have to be broken ever again...

Or at least run the risk of it



So here I sit... completely cold and emotional

Alone in my room... hiding from everything except myself

Wrapped in my own misery...

As the bitterness... and anger suffocate me

Silently praying for a miracle...

Rocking back and forth to believe in them first



I can't fix me... I've tried...

Without tapping into the deep down emotion

I'm not ready to even begin to summon that

It's raw... sharp... powerful... overwhelming...

Too much at this moment to try to deal with

One day, I will… hopefully…

The door opens silently of the second floor apartment as I walk in. Never making a sound, I hear the coursings from the back bedroom. Tiptoeing very carefully through the dark living room toward the hall. Mike walks out, mumbling something about being hungry. Unknowingly walks right passed me into the kitchen. After about ten minutes or so, he walks into his bedroom, talking on the phone with Jen; about the next time they could see each other. Finally, they set a date and say there "I love yous." Hanging up he smiles and picks up the game controller. Cursing once more at the screen, he pauses the game and puts on his headphones. Singing to the music and violently pushing the buttons, he throws the controller down on the floor out of pure anger. Slowly I come up behind him and grab the headphone cord. Yanks a fist full of his long black hair back as I whisper, "You wanted to listen to it... so listen, fucker." into his ear. As Mike tries to grip my arm, he's strangled with Symphony X playing loudly in his ears. He digs his fingers into my arms but he isn't strong enough. Kicking and gasping for air, he looks up at the face staring back at him. Pure surprise appears on his face and he struggles to reach for the phone. While laying his lifeless body on the floor, I let the rest of the CD play as I walk out.



As Nat sat in his chair behind the front counter of the pet store, he waited for customers. Yawning as some came in and out, buying nothing but wanting him to take animals out of their cages to hold. He drifted in and out of sleep several times then finally slipped into sleep. I walk into the store, setting off the noise at the door. Nat blinks his eyes, trying to focus as I grab him off the chair and drag him out. Gagging him and putting him in the backseat of the car restrained, I take him to a secluded place where no one will find him. Stopping the car, I walk around and grab him violently. Dropping him out of the car, allowing him to hit the ground hard. He struggles for breath and begins to bleed out the side of his mouth. I squat down and softly touch his bleeding lip. My finger becomes bloody and I grin. "I guess you can bleed after all." Kicking dirt in his face, I pick him up. Leading him to a large hole dug in the ground with a coffin lying open in it. Nat turns to look me in the eyes knowing that his fate is sealed. I lean in close to whisper to him. "You always wanted a vacation from work. Here's your chance." I push him into the coffin and listen to him scream as I close it. I open it back up suddenly and drop a rosary into the coffin then shut it again. Picking up the shovel and digging, I sing to myself.

You think you're fooling everyone... but you aren't

We're not as blind as you would've hoped for

Your intentions are obvious...

Your lies are only the beginning

Your actions are desperate...

Your comments are ridiculous



You can't just act like the words weren't said...

You lied to the one you say you love...

Want to marry... wish to have children with...

All because you're attracted to the forbidden

Well, throw some ice down your pants

It's either her... or nothing... I'm not an option



Don't know what you were thinking...

Frankly, I don't give a shit...

You've pissed me off way too many times

I'm passed the point of caring

I stomach you because you're still with her

But she'll finally see you for who you really are



You have perfect timing...

My father's anniversary of his death was coming up

And you decided to lay this in my lap

What am I supposed to do??

Just roll over and drool?

Well, fuck that... and fuck you...



I'm sick of everything revolving around you...

And how you feel at that particular moment

You're in a wheel chair... who gives a fuck

Heartless comment some would say...

They obviously don't know you...

I refuse to cater to you because you're handicapped



Just because you're in a wheelchair

Doesn't give you the right to piss on me

We are people... not your pawn

I don't have to answer to you

Nor do I have to jump when you say jump

You've went too far this time...I can't disregard it



You have no respect for people... or their emotions

It's got to be all about you...or Mr. Shitty Pants is unhappy

Well, hun... I'm going to break you of that habit...

Cuz I will NEVER allow you to consume me

Hold your breath on that one...

I want to see you turn colors



You told me that you liked me

Among over things... *sighs*

Knowing damn good and well that you were with my friend

Then lied about it... I knew you would...

You're such a fucking coward

Can't take responsibility for anything, can you?



Stay with your bullshit story that you've made

Recite it back to yourself... word for word

Cuz I know the truth... and you will fuck up

It's just a matter of time...

And when you do, I'll kick your face in the dirt

You'll wish you never fuckin crossed me



You better treat her like fuckin gold until then...

And I might let up on you... might being the word

I've tried my best to be friends with you

But it's become evident that you won't let me

So I'm calculating and waiting for the perfect time

To respond to the challenging glare in your eyes...

Oh God... not another year...

Feels like forever since I hugged you...

I can see your face clear in my head still...

I'm starting to struggle to hear your laugh

But still not forgotten...

Never...



I won't lie... it's been a hard couple of years

How have I gotten this far??

That's beyond me...

Don't know what hurts most...

To have nightmares

Or for time to pass without a thought



Everywhere I go... you're there...

Church... home... etc

Even in the mirror, you're there...

It hurts so badly to see you looking back at me

Knowing that it's just me

I still reach out... just in case...



I want so badly to latch onto someone...

A strong male... and just for support

Wrong, I know...

But what would that profit me?

Nothing...

Absolutely nothing...



I still remember the littlest details of you

Things that I never knew mattered...

You used to forget peppermints in your pockets

And wash your clothes... your pockets were always sticky

Coffee in the mornings... black as midnight...

Loved western movies... John Wayne mostly...



When it came to the Bible, you couldn’t get enough

Wish that was true for me as well...

Never pressured me into doing things your way

Held me when I was sick... doctored my cuts

Encouraged me to follow my dreams

Even if they weren't the same as yours



I found your Bible in my room today...

High on a shelf... for protection...

Opening it up, I smelt you...

That indescribable scent...

I just sat there as tears streamed down my face

My heart broke all over again



I miss you… I love you… I’m dying without you…

Rest in peace, Daddy…

Well, it's been two years...

Seems like a lifetime since I saw your face

Heard your voice... touched your skin...

I'll never get used to this



It feels like my heart's being squeezed in my chest

I can't breathe.... it's so hard to get a breath...

I struggle as the tears come... hot streams...

Damnit... now the shakes...



Before I know it, I'm back there... the hospital

That cold room... the beeping machines at your sides

I laid at your feet... praying for a miracle

Little did I know, I wouldn't be heard...



I dosed in and out of consciousness... my body needed rest

Twenty-four hours straight watching your life being taken from you

I knew if I closed my eyes... even for a moment

You'd be gone... I'd miss you...



I fought with myself to stay awake...

Desperately clinging on every strand of hope I had left

Needless to say, wasn't much...

I thought to myself... one minute... that's all I need



My eyes slowly closed for what felt like seconds

Then I heard it... the worst sound in the world...

So loud it was deafening...I jumped out of my seat...

Only to see that I was right...I missed you...



I remember screaming... and dropping to my knees

After that, I was totally numb... shock mostly

Without it, I think I might have killed myself...

Just too much pain to handle...



Bits and pieces of the wake and funeral I recall

But for the most part, I've pushed it back

Scared to know what I might do if I allow it to resurface

Afraid for my life more than anything



This always happens this time of year

I end up screaming... and lying on the floor...

Crying until tears refuse to form...

Headache protesting through it



*lights cigarette and inhales*

Back to the addiction... only thing I can rely on

*exhales with a deep sigh*

This will do... for now...