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Damn this hurts...

The squeeze in my chest

The blood shining on my hands

Trapped under my nails

Is it mine?

Is it yours?

Or is it His?



As I cover my face with my hands

My nose reaches it

The smell of fresh blood

Metallic fragrance

I lick some and consume it

Burns going down



I scream out, "I have every right to be angry!"

"You took him from me!"

"You betrayed me when I needed you most!"

"I fuckin hate you and all that you stand for!"

"Send me to Hell... I don’t fuckin care... I'm in Hell right now without him!"



I stare at a picture of Him just hanging from that cross

Hearing the hymns

Remembering the sermons that I've heard

"He died for you and me." ringing in my ears until I think I might go deaf

I just responded with tears



Red tears streaming down my face

Gathering under my chin then dripping down my chest

Quickly wipes them with my hand

Rubs my hands on my pants

Forgetting that they show on the fabric

Looking around to see a little old lady's stare



I recall her story as the tears resurface

Dead husband early in the marriage

Never remarried

Children don't visit her anymore

Dead brothers and sisters

She's blind yet I know she can see me somehow



I just sob as I look at her wrinkled face

Her wet cheeks

And shaky hands

I start to ball fists in my lap

Looks into her eyes, screams inside

"You just don’t understand! How? How am I supposed to deal with such agony?"



She smiled softly as she walked to me

Reached deep into her purse

Pulling out a crumbled up Kleenex

Handing it to me with her worn fingers

Slowly walking out of the church



I bury my head into the tissue

Completely breaking down before all

Resting my heavy head on the pew as I cry

Finally touching just a little have how much I miss him

The measure of hate I have for God

How far that I have to go



Falls onto the floor

Punching it as hard as I can with both hands

Bloodying my knuckles

Jumping to my feet to rip the Crucifixion picture off the wall

Shattering it to a million pieces

Smearing my blood all over the walls and building



Collapses on the back row

Stops for a moment to stare down at the picture

My blood dripping down it

Staining the paper

Covering the face

Shakes head as I walk out the church



Runs through the double doors in the middle of a sermon

Vowing never to turn back

Slamming doors behind me violently

Laying my face and hands against the white door

Battling with myself to go back in

I begin to weep as I walk away...

I swear this drama bullshit never ends

Just when I think it is

I'm proved seriously wrong

Is everyone fuckin stupid?

Telling lies...

Making up plans that no one knows about

Then out of no where you're supposed to go with it

Fuck that...



People just need to leave me the fuck alone

Let me lock myself in my room

Away from everything that haunts me

I get phyically ill when people use me for their own benefit

Not telling me the whole truth

It makes me so fuckin angry when you pulls this, Mel



You're fuckin 26 years old goddamn it...

Fuckin act like it

I'm younger than you and I dont pull this shit

I'm tired of playing ur games

Your petty little games that always blow up in ur face

I refuse being a puppet in ur play

I'm cuttin my strings

I'm done



Fuck this game you insist on playing

Fuck you

And fuck everything else...

I can be perfectly happy without you

And the bullshit that flies out of ur mouth

They devour me whole

Eat at me until I think I might go mad



I sit here trying to think of why I'm friends with you

My list is bare

What do I get out of it?

Not a damn thing

It's all me, me, me... with you

You only helped me to help you



I look away because I cant stand to see your face

I don't speak because I'm afraid of what I'd say

I don't touch you because I've afraid of what I'd do

So in other words, stay the fuck away from me

I don't need you...

Never did

Never will

This bullshit is getting old fast

Have I ever told you your voice makes my stomach turn?

Well, it does...

Why do you insist on shoving these empty promises down my throat

Then act surprised when I choke



You rip my already broken heart out of my chest

All while smiling of course

Looking as innocent as you possibly can

So you can say that you unintentionally caused me pain

Then turn on the tears and everything will be OK

Hold ur breath on that one

Cux it wont happen this time...

Not ever again...



I swear you've got fuckin brass balls with the shit you pull

Do you honestly think that I'm ignorant?

That because ur typing, I won't know what you're really doing?

Did you ever really know me?

Oh, you say that you do...

Keep thinking that...



But I know you... all too well...

The painful words

The fake smile

The icy touch

The poisoness kisses

The patronizing way you said "I love you"



I know you...

Therefore, I hate you...

I loved you...

Therefore, I loathe you...



Remains silent

No words seem to satisfy

Keep talking... dig ur grave...

Never knew when to shut the fuck up

Well, baby, heres the shovel

Dig away...



I won't destory you yet

No, it's not the time nor the place...

What fun would that be anyways?

I much rather just sit back and observe for now

Dig that hole deeper... and deeper until ur hands are bloody

Then dig some more...

No pain... go gain remember...



I'm surprised that you havent cracked a joke yet

Talk about perfect ending to this

Shows maturity though

One small victory

Shit, spoke too soon...

Do I look like I'm fuckin laughin?

You miss me?

Fuck you...



Compliments

Of course, why the hell not?

You've tried everything else

Dead end after dead end gets annoying, dont it?

Keep knocking ur head against those walls until you think ur head might shatter

Grit the pieces in ur teeth...

Savor the taste...

Welcome to my old life, asshole



Let's talk about ur whore of a mother

Great idea by the way... *rolls eyes*

She always did treat you like shit

Don't know if I would call her a mother

But whore is definitly on the money...

Literally...

Ah, i see she's not dead yet...

Damn



I'm giving you one more chance to redeem urself

I'm feeling generous...

Wow... fuckin surprise...

You whine in that "nails on chalk board" voice

No skin off my ass

Cux it's just another nail in ur coffin

So nail away, love... ur dead to me anyway...

Sitting here with my hands covering my face

Tears threatening to fill my eyes

My pride desperately trying to hold them back

Wondering what I did wrong

Where did I fail you?

Did I not love you enough?



I tried to be everything that I thought you wanted

A friend

A lover

I denied myself happiness for ur benefit

But it still wasnt enough

Somehow everything just wasnt enough



You look so peaceful now

Almost like ur resting in ur little wooden box

Hair perfect...

Lips rosey...

I wonder how they do that...

Make them so life-like



As I stare at ur cold body... so pale

Just a shell of the man that I once loved

Serious expression on ur face

Almost like ur disappointed at me from the grave

Might as well be

Nothing was ever good enough for you



Let me see if I've got the picture right

I finally couldnt do it anymore

Couldnt coexist with you when I got nothing in return

You then realize how valueable I was to you

Which is so completely like you

So there you are drowning in ur own misery

Because damn, you have nothing to blame for ur life being shitty anymore



You grab ur bi-polar pills (30 in all) and down those with vodka

Great idea, sweetheart, by the way *rolls eyes*

Never was a drinker

But I guess you decided to finally let loose for a change

That doesnt kill you so you decide that cutting urself would be better, Mr. I Hate Pain



You get the knife... cut deep into ur wrist

You start to freak when you realize what you've done

Feeling the blood flowing out of ur veins and onto the bed

One thing you never considered

The pain

Its unbearable, isnt it?

Ironic that you did this act to escape the pain



Theres a part of me that will be sad from ur absence

Always wishing that if I just gave alittle more

Just alittle

But then theres the other part of me that wants to scream...

"Burn in Hell, mother fucker."



I feel like fuckin stoking you

But I'll grip the coffin until my knuckles are white

And just settle for yelling at ur lifeless body

As crazy as that sounds

You never did let me plead my case on anything

Guess you wont be having the last word this time

Enjoy the worms, my love...

A compliment is like a man slowly playing with the strings of my corset then with each word, untightening just a little more until my breast are exposed .... knowing that it makes my heart pound wildly as it begs to be free of my flesh clothed body.



You might consider the reason why I don't tell much about myself is because nothing seems important enough to tell.

All seems so insignificant and vain... and honestly, after as much heartache and pain that's somehow made it's way onto my door step in the last couple of years... *turns head away* I'm afraid that I'm not the person that I used to be.

Strength was stripped from me...

Instead of fighting when the unbearable agony came... i bowed to it... welcomed it almost...

Surrendering to the chains of despair and hiding in the darkness to the wounds that seemed to eat right through me.

Dripping my known blood... hiding from the vultures that wish to feed on my dying soul...

Therefore, the night's my companion... none other knows me... or truly sees me for who I really am... the scars from battles lost... the pain of true loss and being raped of my pride...

So, I sit in the pitch black blanket of existence... with my knees to my chest... my dark hair down and covering my face, blocking any light that may creep its way in... rocking back and forth... asking anyone who can hear me, "When's it going to stop?"

Silence...deafening silence is always the answer... its an answer that doesn't answer any questions... gives no resolution... or release... nothing that would benefit me in any way...

So there you are... unsatisfied in your sadness... bathing in it like a pig in mud...

Like the pig with its mud, sadness is all I've ever known...

I vaguely remember being happy... or being so obliviously blinded by my own naiveness...

I used to think that all we needed was love... but that fairy tale went up in smoke one day... burned to ashes right before my eyes... no warming...

There's nothing more heart breaking... or earth shattering then to know that your god has screwed you over royally... somehow forgot about you even tho you dedicated your life to serving him...

The god that never sleeps, closed his eyes for a split second and...

POOF!

Everything you hold dear is gone... never to return. Ur rock... your crutch... your very soul has been ripped out of your chest...leaving this gaping hole...

So now your left to decay in the shadows...

Hanging onto anyone for momentary comfort...

Clawing down your arms and body... trying desperately to shed yourself of the decaying covering...

Searching in another eyes... looking for something... anything that will help the day go faster... so you can get on with the next day of wallowing in your own self pity and misery...

*looks you deeply into the eyes as I reach out for you* let me hide myself in thee...if only for a moment...



~dedicated to you... (You know who you are... *winks*)

*glances down at long slender fingers... rubs them up and down pale legs... slow at first then faster to create heat* Darkness has its advantages and disadvantages... which one is more, you ask? *twirls hair around finger-tips* You know... i just dont know... its hard to ponder such a question when ur heart is so burdensome in ur chest...

Almost like a heavy brick...

*lays on floor in fetal position and rest head on hands* This position always did make me feel most protected... *allows hair to cover face as I lay in silence*

It might seem as though I'm praying, but dont be fooled... I'm not...

Prayer? *snickers as a single tear slides down dry cheek and onto the cold ground* yeah right...

If I could somehow overcome the anger, confusion, depression, and every other emotion that flows through these veins of mine.... the ones my warm blood know so well...then maybe... (BIG maybe) I can pray like I used to.

Darkness never forsakes... it never sleeps... doesnt have an agenda nor ask for an reservation.

Instead it waits with its arms stretched wide to usher me into its seclusion of sweet slumber... asking no questions... just completely accepting me as I am...

Broken, I am... torn at the seams...

Sometimes the struggle is too hard... so brutal...

To wait for redemption from unbearable agony is the theme of my life...

Therefore, the only thing I can do is hide in these strong arms that surround me when the world is so cruel.

Oh how I adore thee, my dark companion... my only love... *wraps self in the midnight and atempts to summon the good times that has been lost somewhere along the journey*

I don't know if anyone else does this, but I tend to get very depressed sometimes and the first thing I do when i get that way, i sit in the corner of the room... no lights... nothing. Just total darkness. Oh, that welcoming darkness... it doesnt judge you... doesnt care why you're there... just perfectly content to hiding you from all that hurt you.

You sit there... cross ur legs in, what they love to call, "Indian style" and you start to wonder how it got to be this bad. No, you dont have a gun, knife, or anything like that in ur hands, but you still have that one moment where you wonder if you should get one. You shrug it off... tell urself that ur not nuts... ur not that hurt... you can get through this.

Before you know it, you're reciting that to urself over and over again. "I'm fine." "This is NOT that bad." "I can make it through this."

Your nuckles are white now... from you balling them in fist... because theres nothing more that you want... crave then to be "OK." I naive person would say "Normal" There is NO NORMAL. What's normal for me... is crazy to you... whats crazy to me... is normal for other people. The person that made up the word, normal... should be shot. OK OK... im getting off that soap box.

So, there you are... totally vunerable... naked in a sense... you've never felt this bare in ur life. You're angry because... Hell! you should be out doin something... anything! Instead ur sittin in a damn corner... hiding urself from the world. (which doesnt work might I add... the world always finds you)

Tears? Hell, tears dont solve much... only ends up giving you a headache... messing up ur beautiful black eyeliner... and maybe its just me, but those tears seem to strip you of ur pride... digenty... all that you hold dear.

So, you fight them off... maybe wipe a few off that you couldnt hold back. A couple deep breaths and you feel like new... I wish I could say that... that by just two or three small breaths life would just climb off of ur shoulders for one moment... one minute... and you can breathe. REALLY breathe.

But unfornately, life's a bitch, who's hands are always around ur neck... choking you until you just wish that death would come quickly...

Then it happens...

A knock on the door... a familar voice of a loved one...

You slowly get up off of the ground... brush urself off just out of habit... and you forget about ur personal struggle for another minute to help someone else fight theirs.