The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Scream
10:50 Aug 26 2005
Times Read: 638

Pain without warning…

But I asked for it in any way I can think of

Yet I never could have prepared myself for this

How can something that once felt so perfect unravel in my hands?



A cigarette can’t even satisfy me

And usually it’s the only thing that can

I felt so grounded and strong

Now I’m wondering how I ever walked around so sure of myself



I breathed you in so deeply

Yet I didn’t know that I was slowly choking myself

How many times must I be tore down to finally stand tall?

I want to be fully whole again



Tears won’t even provide release

Oh, how I wish they would

Then maybe these tears won’t feel like they’re shed in vain

How can I save myself?



Why does life have to kick me when I’m down?

If it would just give me a minute

I wouldn’t feel like my very core is being ripped out

From my flesh clothed body



My emotions are decaying me with each second

And I can’t restrain this scream in much longer

Rage and suffering bottled up

Right under the surface it waits



Controlling is my only way of feeling O.K.

It makes me in charge of what I do

Pleading with my body to hold it in

Just a little longer…

I can feel my body tremble

Right in my throat, waiting



Bites down on bottom lip

Trying to gain power over myself

Yet I know deep down inside what I must do

I sink my nails into my arms

As a tear falls, I scream…

Unbearable Agony
05:35 Aug 24 2005
Times Read: 644

Well well... we meet again

Seems like just yesterday you were here

Miss me?

Well, I didn’t miss you either

Honestly, I was waiting for your little visit

It doesn’t surprise me that your here

You always come when I'm on the ground

You do love to kick me when I'm vulnerable

People always say that death comes in threes

Well, you made a new record

It's four this time

Oh btw, I don’t know where you get your orders

But tell your boss that I said, "Fuck you."



Remember when you came after my father died?

That doesn’t surprise me...

Do you give a shit about anything?

Didn’t think so...

Well, you almost killed me that night

I cried until I fell asleep

See, your making me cry already

Don't you see the tears?

Now that figures...

I'm not as heartless as you

So I guess I can be hospitable and let you sit

So, why are you delaying the pain?

Usually I'd be completely broken my now

Don't do me any flavors ok?

Let just get this shit over with...



I used to run when you came

I learned that it hurt much worse when I fought

So you won't have any problems with me tonight

What am I thinking, you ask?

Just wondering what state I'll be in this time after you leave

You know, face-to-face you don’t look cruel

The blue eyes are icy though

Want something to drink?

I suddenly need something hard to drink

No?

Well, I'll pour you one anyways

Can you try to not spill your drink?

I rather not have to clean up more than myself tonight



Why must you sit there so quietly?

Say something, anything...

God only knows how many questions I have for you

Care to answer some?

Didn't think so...

You're looking at your watch

Are you late for something?

You're not?

I bet you’re a busy person

Death never sleeps

You could just come back tomorrow, ya know

I'll still be right here

Has to be now, huh?

*sighs*



You don't even look like your enjoying this

Usually you’re smiling and laughing

You're different today... like you don’t even want to be here

I know that I'm not supposed to care about you

You, unbearable agony and all

But you are capable of feeling, right?

No?

No feelings at all?

*starts to cry as I tuck my legs in front of me, rocking*

I beg you to make me like you

Completely numb to emotion... empty inside

I swear I saw a tear slide down your cheek just now

Must have been my imagination

*feels your touch on the top of my head... and your gone*

Sunday
08:12 Aug 23 2005
Times Read: 651

I undress as I stand by the bed

Letting my clothes drop to the floor where they may

Becoming colder with each article shed

I climb into the soft blankets and pillows that seem to shield me

The darkness is so unkind

Positions the pillows and covers around me

Sighing in satisfaction as I find that perfect spot



I toss and turn all night

Dreaming scenes of my own personal Hell

Sweating so much that I'm practically swimming

I wake up with the last call from the Human alarm clock

Catches breath and wipes off sweat with towel

Jumps up grabbing the nearest shirt and jeans

Runs out of room to leave



I walk through the white double doors

Closes eyes tight as the cold air hits hard

Wipes off the foggy glasses

Look down at my sneakers with a sigh

Should have worn something more dressy

Maybe something with panty hoes and heels

I shrug it off



I play with my unmade hair with my fingers

Quickly putting it in a ponytail to tame it

Slides hand down deep in pockets

Unconsciously holding lighter

Deeply wishing there was smoke breaks

"Dust" off clothes as walks into class

Jokes around with everyone



Sits in main building with shaky hands

Tapping foot nervously on the maroon carpet

Mainly talking about where to eat for lunch

Scanning congregation to see who's where

Trying to blend in

Everyone coming up to shake my already shaking hand

Kissing my already wet cheeks



Seeing ghost sitting in random chairs

Vanishing as I rub my eyes and stare

Fresh tears falling down cheeks onto shirt

Why couldn't it be him?

Death always seems to rape you of reality

Jokes to bring attention off of me

Rubbing tears off with collar



Thumbs through Bible as the sermon starts

Goes straight to passage

Reading silently to self as other's still struggle to find it

A picture of a bad memory appears in mind

Distracts and unbalances

Leaving me feeling weak and vulnerable

Scoots closer to the nearest person



Closes eyes tightly and wraps arms around body

Watches two children play a couple of rows up

Distracting myself enough to settle the uneasy feeling in stomach

Debates on whither to retreat to bathroom

Decides it’s not worth distracting people with my movement

Somehow makes it through sermon

Invitation and everything



Walking fast down the hall to the back door to leave

Almost there…

Someone blocks the exit

Talking about the most recent drama

Carefully maneuvering the way through the people

Spying a close friend in the midst of the crowd

Calls to them as the crowd parts for me



Takes a deep breath trying to get through

Runs through doors quickly

Takes a deep breath to steady myself

Walks to car… starts it

Sighs deeply while running fingers through hair

Looks back at building as I leave the parking lot

*whispers* I’ll see you next Sunday…

Angels On Earth
19:27 Aug 22 2005
Times Read: 658

Well, during this harsh road called life, I somehow was blessed with a group of people who have touched me in many ways. Even though I count myself as a pretty secretive person when it comes to personal things about myself, they know me very well. More than I think anyone knows... except for my father and maybe my mother. We all know the good and the bad parts of each other yet we welcome them with open arms. Partly because no one's perfect and partly because we're all fighting our personal battle... we know how it feels to hurt. We all know about fighting a battle we're just destined to loose... or giving a child to strangers so the baby will have a chance to really live... or marrying a man who changes himself at his convenience...or giving birth to several kids from different fathers and living with the fact that none of them truly knew the real you.



I guess I'll start with the one that I always saw as not only spiritually, but emotionally stronger than me. Sandy, I love you girl... always there to give me a kind word... a warm hug in my time of need. Distance and circumstance keeps you from me... but you'll always have my heart. I remember the sleepovers we had. Drinking coke because you practiced what you preached. Being who you are 100% of the time... masks aren't for you. Very sensitive when it came to name calling of anyone...running to defend. Kid's can be so cruel... but you didn't hide or run away from it. You stood for what you believed in without any hesitation. First one of the group to get married... knew you would. You were destined to be a loving wife and mother. You wanted love... and find it so innocently. Gave yourself 100% to it even others of us would have hesitated. Take care of yourself and the baby! Tell Josh to kiss your tummy for me and the pretty little mama too. *winks*



Rachel, shit girl, what can I say? 15 years of friendship and never regretted a minute of it! Since first grade, you've been my partner in crime, my sister from another mother, and so much more. I've always tried to be like your older sister... protecting you even if it caused me pain... pain I'd gladly bear by the way... but you've showed me time and time again that you need no one. Solid as a rock... standing tall... you have the potential to fuckin rock the world, girl! Dream BIG!!!! You can achieve anything your heart desires. And I know... when Joseph Benjamin gets old enough, he'll be as proud of you as I am. I love you so much and always will. Never loose that big heart of yours for animals and people... bow to no one... and fight like hell for the things you want. I know you'll do great things in life... and I just hope that I'll be honored enough to be able to witness.



Brianna... *becomes speechless* Middle school was awesome because I met you. You let me get closer and closer with time... giving me no choice but to do the same. We've always been honest with each other... even when it hurt the most. I know recently things have gotten out of hand at home... both of ours... but I swear to you, if you ever need me... I'll get to you, no matter what it takes. *smiles* Remember when people used to call us twins when we were little? Always thought you were the prettiest one out of us. Jealous of everything you had material wise yet never saw the price you paid to have those things. You'll be a great mother... hell, J.P. came out just fine because of you. I love you, Bri... you moved yet you came back to us. Most miserable year in my life I must say. Just remember, when life does its evil twist, I’m here with open arms.



Jen... Jen Jen Jen. *smiles through the tears* Damn... just saying your name makes me smile. The late night calls... endless advice... the affectionate hugs at just the right time... you know all of my faults yet you love me still. You never judge me... no matter what. Worrying about me even when the sky's falling on your head. You've never let me down... never forsaken me. Read my mind better than anyone... could be that you have the power to... or just know me that well. Your crystal blue eyes have seen the ugliness of myself time and time again... yet you never cease to look at me with such a loving, understanding stare. You never were keen on affection from people... but never hesitated to wrap your arms around me when you knew I needed it... most of the time, I didn’t even know the need was there. My lesbian lover forever... *grins* tell Mike to treat you well... Mama Bear will have to whoop ass! Love you, girl... more than I can ever say.



Kacee... craziness. You have such a beautiful baby who's just like you. Inside I'm sure as well as out. I know life's been very cruel to ya, girl... but hang in there. I know there are some good things coming your way. You deserve so much more than you're letting yourself have. Don't be scared of life... we're here. Always had no problem laughing with me... mostly about stupid shit...getting my mind off of my personal battles. Playing the bad ass... but we all were blessed to see that heart you tried to hide. People underestimate you... but we've always seen the great in you... the powerful... the unconditional love you give freely. You always made the party so much more fun... you do the same with life... with you, life just doesn’t seem that bad. I'm glad that we met and got to share ourselves with each other. Don't spend as much time as I would wish... but we've got lives that get in the way sometime. Lets not allow that to happen so often, ok? I miss you, girl. Oh, and I'm sorry for making you wear that pink fluffy dress in Mrs. Shirley's class... but I must say you did look quite pretty! *takes Jen's hand and runs*



Then there’s me... wouldn't call me the head of the group... how could I ever try to lead these crazy people?!? *laughs* I see a little of myself in each one of the ones I've just mentioned. I'm spiritual like Sandy... passionate like Jen... loving like Rachel... fun seeking like Bri... and strong-willed like Kacee. I gladly put myself on the back burner for my loved ones... therefore, neglecting the things that I need to handle... making it hard to heal the wounds of past wars. I'm easy to get along with... always up for a good joke. Firm believer that laughter is food for the soul and personally making it my mission to make people laugh. Either at me or with me... doesn’t matter. Writing as pure therapy... reading as enjoyment... living this group as passion. Each of them have a part of my heart... my very soul in their hands... *grins* my future husband's just going to have to settle for the rest. *winks*



So, I'll end this with this note...

I love ya'll... always have... always will. It's been my pleasure to go this far with ya'll... and I can't wait to see where we end up! I'd bleed until I have no life left if I thought it would save ya'll from even the slightest measure of pain. With us all together, there isn't anything that would dare to step in our way. May no man split us... and life tears us apart. *starts to cry* Till Death...

Unknown Path
09:54 Aug 19 2005
Times Read: 668

You

All of you

That’s all it took to make me fall

With tear-filled eyes I heard your voice

The sweet New Jersey deep sound

Only a few states to keep us apart

Yet you sounded a world away



I was taken... so were you

Yet we were drawn together... so innocently

Non-stop laughing and picking on each other

Made everyone around us wonder

Are they lovers?

Friends?

Murmurs flew as people's curiosity sparked



You confessed to having a "thing" for me

I was shocked to hear that

A 30 year old... damn...

Never thought in a million years it would be like this

So innocent... so sweet...

Perfect



I let you call me after you begged for weeks

I was curious to see how you would act after confessing your secrets

My hands shook uncontrollably for hours

I hung on every word and giggled non-stop

Struggled for things to talk about

My head was drowning in excitement



You laughed at my corny jokes

My desperate attempt to hear you at your best

That laugh... mmmm... a piece of Heaven

Ur normal jokey self

But you were holding back the hurt you felt

The same as me

Birth date wasn’t the only thing we shared



I love you

The words that all but stopped my heart in mid-beat

You stroked me softly with your words

Making me feel like I was walking on clouds...

Never make a promise that you couldn’t keep

Tried to limit the pain I bore



You were there when I needed you

When I swore that I needed no one

You held me anyways

So gently... like you thought I’d break

Even when you had your own shit to deal with

You never left my side

The thought never crossed your mind



My relationship had already decayed in my hands

I just haven't walked away yet

For whatever reason

And the way you treated me opened my eyes

Fighting all of the time

Shouldn’t be an everyday occurrence

There wasn’t any passion anymore...



I broke up with him

Not for you... purely for me

Couldn’t take the abuse anymore

Wanted to embrace you but you still were with her

Didn't feel right

I already was talking to you every night

Loving you more than I should



You gave me the choice

Her or me

I told you to try to work it out for the kid's sake

Even though she wasn’t yours

I wanted to make sure its what YOU wanted

So you honored my wishes

Gave it your best shot



I stopped talking to you

For weeks at a time

Wanted Dawn to have a fair chance

I owe her at least that

Broke my heart to be that far from you

But your happiness was everything

And more



I hear everything’s not OK but its getting better

Three years is a lot to walk away from

A child involved as well

I understand that

She'd be an idiot to let you go

And I'm happy that she's come to her senses

It’s about time she appreciates you



I know it’s not a done deal

Ur still seeing if it'll work

But I'll smile when I so desperately want to cry

I'll reach for a cigarette when I want to end it all

I'll just sit in my sadness...

Instead of screaming at the top of my lungs



I stepped out on a limb

Asking you if you ever think of me anymore

"Of course I do, baby." was your response

I cried as it brought a smile to my face

Tears hot as fire ran down my cheeks

I sat there... silent in the dark...

Only with the light of the monitor



One thing is evident throughout all of this

You're going to be the death of me

But I'm willing to stay... wait it out

At least for a little while

Oh... and Dawn?

Don't fuck it up...

Hell, on second thought... fuck it up royally...

Letter To The Dead
04:59 Aug 10 2005
Times Read: 697

Dear Daddy,



I miss you... more and more each day... even more at night when the world gets so cold. A lot has happened since you've been gone. I feel like I've most so much of myself since the day God chose to take you from me. Some times I wonder if my heart might shatter into a million pieces in my chest.

There are many things that I got cheated out of. Twenty years wasn’t nearly enough time to spend with you. It's been almost two years and I still have so much hate inside of me. I've blamed everything, including myself, but you.

I have been threw men... one after the other... trying to replace you... filling this void inside of me... if only for a moment. It never seems to satisfy.... no one can measure up to you. They fall so short.

I've tried so hard to stay on the path I was on... the one you showed me, but I'm so sorry. I went astray... got away from what was important. I hope that you don't look down from Heaven and become ashamed of me. That would just kill me.

My relationship with God has become non-existent. Sometimes I sit and wonder where that little girl that you raised. I'll be the first to admit that I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm so lost in the darkness.

I hate the fact that I can’t even hear your voice anymore. I used to hear your voice during the night... but I don't now. It makes me cry every time I think about loosing bits and pieces of you, but I feel like I am... which means that I'm loosing myself as well. The best parts of me are those little pieces of you. I somehow misplaced it on the way to self-recovery. I know that I've let you down in many ways...which hurts me deeply. You know that all I've ever wanted to do is make you proud.

I seem to make the wrong decisions... *hangs head* I always said I knew more than you. I was wrong... I know that now... now that’s its too late. I graduated high school and college just for you. If it were up to me, I would have dropped out. It's the quitter in me, I guess. I just wanted to see that smile on your face... the one that makes your eyes pointy at the sides.

You always told me that crying was never a weak characteristic.... well, I’ve taken it up as a new hobby. Always said that I should get a hobby too. Well, two birds with one stone.

I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter that you wanted. I've fallen so short from that mark... which is purely my fault. I've tried so many things to lessen the pain. Including cigarettes and alcohol... two things that I swore when I was little that I'd never do. The only things that I haven’t tried is sex and drugs... and those two things are getting more and more appealing as time goes by.

I used to be so strong...but now I feel so weak without you. Nothings the same. It's so fucked up now. I can't get back to the point where I can live... laugh... smile without hating myself. I can't even pray without crying or yelling... I'm just so angry. I want to scream... punch something... but I just don’t have the strength.

As I watched your body give up on you, I still knew that somehow... someway... God was going to pull us threw. I kept on praying and trusting throughout the whole 13 months. Until that final breath...when everything was said and done, I still told myself that God was no ordinary god. He was going to raise you from the dead. He did it in the Bible... which we whole-heartedly believed in. So I waited, waited until I thought that I might die with you. I thought about taking my own life just to be with you, but I just knew that you'd look from Heaven and I would break your heart. So instead, I just stopped believing in miracles... they were always a myth anyways.

How could He not save you?? It's just got to be a mistake!! He must have fell asleep.... and looked away as your body failed on you. Why you?? Why not someone else?? There's so much unfinished business. I wasn’t ready!!! I wasn’t ready to let you go. There’s so many things that I wanted to say... to do... to experience with you by my side. I wish I could take back every fight we had... every nasty word I said when I was angry... every time I knew you needed a hug and I didn't give you one. There isn't enough paper in the world to write to you how much I'm so desperately sorry that I wasn’t there that Wednesday when you went into surgery. I was at Jen's... "taking time away" and I should have been there. I betrayed you... the only person that really knew me.

I could have done more for you. I feel so ashamed that I've survived two years without you. God only knows how badly I wanted to just lay next to your grave and just riot with you. That's what devoted daughters do, don’t they??? One-foot step without you feels like betrayal... I hope you don’t hate me. I cry at the thought. I feel like God has turned His back on me... but I fear that it is I that has turned my back. I know that if I asked for forgiveness, He'd forgive me... but I just can’t seem to forgive Him. I need you, Daddy! I really do... I am in desperate need of one of your talks. They always put things in perspective. I can't go to Mom... she'll get worried about me... one less thing she needs to keep her up at night. I already rely on her too much. I yearn to hear you tell me that it'll be all right... Will it, Daddy??? You know... I'm just not too sure anymore.



Sleepless in the Dark,

Sherry Lynn

Unhealed Wounds
08:13 Aug 07 2005
Times Read: 705

I could list all of your faults

Of course, it wouldn’t profit me

But it would rip you to pieces

Something regardless of how much you hurt me, I'm just not willing to do



Sinking to that level would destroy me

Slowly decaying until there’s nothing left...

Falling short of everything that I've stood for

Might as well be dead

If you don't have respect, then what do you have?



I want to not care about you so badly

Yet I find myself caring for you still

I want to be able to not think about you

Yet I do... often

There’s so many memories that haunt me

Plaguing my mind



Little things that rubbed me the wrong way

Or horrible things that you said because you wanted to hurt me for hurting you

Usually over something I didn't even know I was doing...

Figures



But its that past...

Those really good moments

The ones where you finally shut that mouth of yours

And listened to me

Why couldn't there be more of those?



I miss your arms when I'm crying

I miss your smiles when I'm sad and lonely

I miss your hugs when the world's being unfair

I miss your laugh when I think I've lost mine

I miss your love when the nights get too cold to bear



I see you standing by the ATM machine

Laying on my couch, asleep

Us cuddling in the hotel bed with Jen

Popping Popcorn

Holding hands in church

The first kisses we shared... so innocent



Tears still fall when I think about us

The potential that we had

Pathetic, isn’t it?

I hated you so much after our break up

And now... I’m starting to realize that I care

No matter how badly I don't want to



I don't want to reunite

I know you want to

But I cant... I won't...

It's too late for apologies

It's just too little too late...



But just between me and you

No one else

I do miss you, baby... *cries* I really do...

Goddamn it!

Just One More
04:00 Aug 05 2005
Times Read: 713

Impatiently runs fingers through hair

Hoping no one sees my shaky hands

Packs cigarettes

Banging the pack on my palm violently

Pulling the wrapper off



Holds the lighter in my nervous hands

Barely lighting it and inhaling deeply...

MmMmMm...

Everything seems just a little more bearable

Takes a deep breath



Oh yeah... everything’s just fine now

Had a close call for a moment there...

Puts the knife back into the drawer

Closes it

Leans against the counter



Runs my finger down my veins

Imagines what the blood would look like pouring out of it

The emotions that the action would cause

Hmmm...



Nah... I’m not crazy nor am I a big person for pain

Life's painful as it is... add more?

Shit no...

But curiosity’s rearing its ugly head

Opens drawer...



Stares at knife...

Just one little cut

Cant hurt that damn badly, huh?

Couldn't be more pain than what I feel right now

Might actually feel good to be able to drown in my own blood



Feels the handle in my hand

Hands are just a little more shaky now

I'm alone... no one to answer to...

No one to judge...

Fuck them all



Takes last drag of cigarette

Fills lungs up with the cancerous fumes

Inhales with a satisfying grin

Flicks bud

Looks down at knife...



Grips it tightly in my hands again

Hmmm...

Looks over at cigarettes

Then back at knife...

Hmmm...



Looks at cigarettes again

Drops the knife into the kitchen sink

Smiles as lights second cigarette...

Mmmm...

Just one more...

Unnecessary War
02:59 Aug 03 2005
Times Read: 721




Yeah, I’m here

I could be other places, but I'm here

Why, you ask?

Don't ask... cause I don't know...

Stupidity, I’m guessing



I used to care for you a long time ago

About what you did... saw... felt... thought

But it's getting to the point where I just don't anymore

It makes the wounds bleed more



You just ripped into me again

Doesn’t surprise me in the slightest bit

Kiss it affectionately

Treat the wound like it's not yours

Then push me onto the bed



How are you?

Such a simple question

Obvious answer

Silence

Figures



Another broke your heart today

Fucking women, you say...

Could it be that it's you, Nat?

Nah... couldn’t be it *rolls eyes*

You're such a dick



You want to use me

Break me if you can

I won't let you

Because your just not worth it

Plus, better men have tried



Shove your religion down my throat just a little more

I'm not throwing up yet

I know you're dying to

Get pissed when I do the same

Damn double-standards



You've be waiting for me to be single?

Good for you

Good to know...

You still wont get any of me

Keep holding your breath on that one...



I've told you I wont fight you

I just don't have the strength anymore

It's always the same with you

Fight... fuck... fight... fuck... then you shit on me

Meanwhile you talk about how used you feel



ME ME ME

Use me just one more time

YOU YOU YOU

That's all you care about these days



I touched you once

My mistake

You think I'll do it again

Your mistake

Such a unnecessary war we play



Selfish fuckin bastard

No fuckin wonder you cant get someone to stay

Your empty apologizes are endless

If you just said one with sincere feelings, I might actually try to care



Call me a prude one more time

I might start to hate you if you do

*grits teeth*

Thanks...

So fucking predictable