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I ask one simple question and you bite my head off

God, I wish I could just walk out of this house

Never come back... just leave... disappear...

But I can't... I'm stuck with you...

Forever it seems



Just this morning I took an emotional blow for you

Defended you... and it ruined my whole day

I even told you about it when you got home

Why did you have to kick me when you knew I was down?

What kind of mother are you?



You make it so hard to love you...

Sometimes I wonder how I could ever love someone like you

I'm so angry that the tears run down my cheeks violently

I fight them until I can walk out of the room

I won't give you the satisfaction



Of course, within minutes, you apologize

Well, mother, stick it up your fucking ass...

Your words mean nothing to me...

You have ripped me to shreds for the last time

Next time, fight your own battles



I'm sick of reaching my hand out to you only to get shit on

I refuse... I fucking refuse to let you do this to me

I know I'm not as strong as I once was...

But I'm not weak enough to let you get away with this

With the choices you make today effect us tomorrow



Sometimes I wish you would've been the one who died

Not dad... he never treated me like this...

Never raised his voice... except to silence you...

It hurts deep inside to say that... because it's true

I'm sick of living with a woman who sees me as an enemy



A couple questions, mother... answer honestly...

When did you start to hate me?

How did I fail you so badly?

Don't turn your fucking face from me!

Answer the goddamn questions...

I deserve to know... it's my damn right...



You always wanted to be close with me

Yet you critized everything I did

And made me feel like I shamed you in some way

Most of my wounds are made from your nails

You abusive, close-minded bitch...



Writing this is giving me chills to the bone

And the sad part is that I really mean it

You're walking a fine line between love and hate

Which side will you choose?

Don't be naive to think that I'll reconsider... I won't...





Choose wisely... it's up to you how this ends...

It amazes me how quickly you can bring me to tears

You think that everything is in the past

But it's not... it's in your voice... touch... all of you...

And every time you pop out of nowhere like this

I end up crying myself to sleep at night



What do you want from me, William? Please tell me.

I have nothing to offer you... absolutely nothing...

Everything that I have is in pieces from our last encounter

Hell, I haven't even dated since we were together

Who wants a broken heart anyways?



You've forgiven me for all the hurt I caused, you say

Well, good for me, I guess...

That's not going to help me with my sleepless nights

Or the recurring nightmare of your abuse

Or the fact that I have a hard time letting men touch me



Our would-be two-year anniversary is tomorrow

And it's been almost eleven months since we were together

Yet it still hurts as deeply as it was yesterday

Dad's birthday and our anniversary... same day...

I always knew that that was a bad move to make

Touch me... and my whole world goes hazy

Smile... and I can't speak a complete sentence

You stay across the room and I can't keep my eyes off of you

My legs shake as you look through me

Telling me the things that you just can't say with words



With your lips, you ask for just one goodnight kiss

And with your eyes, my soul is your request

You take my hand and my whole body burst into flames

Yet you act as if you're as scared of me as I am of you

I ponder that possibility as you walk outside to leave



You turn to look at me one more time...

And then you walk straight into the doorframe

Laughing, you scoot out of sight...

Well... *smiles* there's my answer...

I whisper, "Night David." as I hear your car start

Always was the first one, after a fight, to apologize

I'd stump all the way to my room and slam the door

I could almost hear him cringe as it echoed throughout the house

Mom would cry silently as we drifted apart with time

He'd walk up the stairs and knock on the door

Hold onto me even when I tried to push away



As I grew up, soon he became a referee to keep the peace

Rarely raised his voice, but he soon did more often

I went through those teenage years with a hard head

And it soon was a common occurrence to hear his voice rise

Frustrated with his wife and daughter who couldn't manage to get along

I'd hear him at night cry and pray for us



Could it have been that she treated me like a child?

Eighteen and needed a chaperon...

Or maybe because we were alike in many ways...

Regardless, we were at each other's throats

Couldn't have one conversation without screaming

I only wanted to be trusted by her... that's all...



Growing up hurt like hell... he saw all of it...

Saw the tears from the children's hurtful names

Maybe it was the glasses I started to wear in the third grade

Or maybe it was the extra weight...

Nonetheless, I wasn't in the "in" crowd...

All I wanted was acceptance...



In high school, I started to actually study...

Because I hated the look on his face when he saw my grades

I graduated... barely... but I graduated...

Daddy yelled, "That's my girl!" as they called my name...

One month after my graduation party, we found out the news

Cancer... might have two years or so...



The first day of college, dad cried as he hugged me tight

It was like Kindergarten all over again...

Busted my ass to get the best grades possible...

Dean's list... *cries* I actually got Dean's List!

Cancer, by that time, was getting the best of him

Didn't raise his voice anymore... too tired for that



I graduated... saw the light spark in his eyes...

Walking with a cane now... but still fighting...

He whispered as he saw me walk onto the stage

"Our baby girl is a woman, Betty."

"No, Sid. She's still our baby,” she whispered back

He shakes his head, "No, she's not. She's far from it."

You say you want to be friends, but fuck that

You ask so much of me… and take the same

And I never said a word... just gave it to you willingly

But I want something from you... right now...

An honest answer to my question...

Did you ever love me?

Did you ever even for the slightest moment care for me

Or was this only a game of house?



I remember the long conversations about marriage

And having children a couple of years after…

I would have done that for you

Until you thought that I didn’t deserve your respect

Soon the thought of bearing your children made me ill

Too much pain for a man who treated me like shit

And marry you? You have to be kidding me…



I don't hate you... not now...

Don't get me wrong... I did, oh boy, did I!

Hated you with every fiber of my being

Wanted you to pay for the way you treated me

Pay for the fact that I let you do it

But I let you go... shack up with the next girl

Let her screw you over like you always thought I would



It was too much stress to stay angry with you

Stress that I couldn't deal with anymore...

Especially for you...

Took me awhile to realize that I was only hurting myself

Hell, I broke up with you because of the stress

Driving myself miserable those first months

Trying to find out what I did wrong



Everyone told me that it wasn't my fault...

But I couldn't believe it... I wouldn't believe it

It had to be something that I did... it just had to be...

But, with time, I came to a realization

It was never meant to be...

Hard to take that all in… *fights tears*

Hurts to hear that you fought a loosing battle all that time



You say that you've changed for the better... well, good for you...

Now the woman after me can get what I always saw in you

Too bad you couldn't have given it to me

Oh, how I wanted it...

I stayed for over a year, trying to "earn" it

Now some woman, who will never love you like I did, will get it

Almost seems unfair...



The woman you brought into your bed left you for her ex

A slap in the face, I'm sure...

It hurts to be hurt like that, don't it?

Touch that pulsing cheek and times that by ten...

Then you'll get just a glimse of what I've felt

Try to have your love rip your heart out with his bare hands

All while they're whispering how much they "love you"



I'm ashamed to say that I still cry during the night sometimes

The night still wraps me in cold blankets of uncertainty

I'm lost... wondering which way to go...

I'll be honest... you've helped to put me here...

Smack dab in the middle of nowhere...

Waiting for life to really start...



I understand that you are also lost...

Playing the "I told you so" game isn't my style

But right at this moment, I'm battling with myself

I want to rip into you like you repeatedly did me but I won't

When it gets cold on that aimless journey, William…

Remember that you could have had my hand to hold

*allows a tear to fall down my cheek*