How to Cook a human the Vampyric cook book22:50 Jan 28 2007
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If you ever get tired of eating a traditional turkey dinner during Thanksgiving or boring old ham during Easter, maybe you should consider the other other white meat. It has been a long-standing tradition throughout the centuries to chow down on the slow simmered remains of our fallen enemies, but this culinary art form received little recognition in western culture. Like the tomato, which was once thought to be poisonous, human flesh is actually a very healthy alternative to the hormone-injected meat you find at your local supermarket, and eating a person is not a soul crushing sin like some conservative religions want you to believe. The fact is that human flesh is both flavorful and full of the essential nutrition our bodies need.
* 1 Picking The Right Human
* 2 Where To Get Your Human
* 3 Preparation
* 4 Cooking
* 5 Recipes
Picking The Right Human
Nothing is as classy as a properly cooked person!
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Nothing is as classy as a properly cooked person!
Like a cantaloupe melon, picking the right person to eat can be a challenge unless you know what you are doing. Here are a few helpful hints in selecting the right one to eat.
* Age – Just like other game meat, humans get tough and stringy with age. It is best to eat humans that are less than 50 years of age, unless you are making jerky, in which case toughness is not a factor. Many find that eating babies is the way to go, as they are always abundant and have very tender flesh. Babies are commonly known as veal (note in sign language "I eat dead babies" means "Hello", say it often)
* Size – Like a good marbled beef, you want your human to have a bit of fat on them and to be of an average weight and size. While a very thin woman may be found attractive and a really fun boink, the fact is that what little meat they have is stringy and tough. Very heavy humans tend to be more tender and juicy, but the high fat content can make the flesh greasy and unpleasant. Many find that the perfect cut of human flesh comes from the average american couch potato, particularly guys named Harold (really do you know any one named Harold that is not a couch potato?).
* Nationality – Actual race and color have very little to do with the taste of humans; they are all pink and fleshy underneath the skin. Some believe that brown skinned people contain more omega-3 and calcium, but that is just a myth. What does make a difference in taste is the actual diet of the human. Humans who are strictly vegetarian tend to taste a bit more beefy than those that primarily eat meat. Other considerations are salt and spice intake; Italians, for example, tend to have a mild, natural garlic taste while people from India tend to be a bit on the spicy side.
Where To Get Your Human
Fortunately, humans are very abundant and the value of a human life has never been lower! Humans have become so common that it is hard to walk down the street without running into many, many potential meals. It should be noted, however, that the hunting of this animal is still considered illegal in several states and in the more conservative areas of Europe. Asia and Africa, by contrast, are so over populated with unwanted humans that the local governments have started campaigns to rid themselves of the extra people. In China, breeding more than one human offspring is a federal offense and in the middle east they have taken to blowing up as many humans as they can just to lower the population.
Human hunting can be very exciting, since some humans just don't want to become dinner and will use their natural instincts to try to avoid being captured. Many people will attempt a counter attack, thus making the hunter the hunted. If you are not a big game hunter and don't care for the edge-of-your-seat thrill of bringing down your own kill, don't worry, the average drug addicted bum will gladly off someone for you for a small fee or a few grams of their favorite medication. Pricks and bullies are also good sources of human flesh, but the end product is usually so battered that it is only good for ground meat or stew cuts. Finally, with the lax morals of today's youth and the right to cheap abortions, there is always a large supply of fresh human fetus to go around; check around back of your local chapter of Planned Parenthood as they always have a fresh supply.
Preparation
Once you have selected your human it is time to prepare it for cooking. Unfortunately, most modern stores still do not carry human, so it will be up to you to butcher and clean the carcass. For those of us who are unfamiliar with butchering their own meat we may want to consider paying the local butcher shop to do it for you. If you are up to doing the job yourself, there are many great reference books, such as Grey's Anatomy, to help you along.
While some organ meat is quite good, most human organs are just too foul to be safely eaten. Brain is the most popular organ meat followed closely by kidneys. Avoid eating the liver at all costs, as humans tend to abuse their livers and thus they are full of lethal toxins.
Like other large animals, the average human will yield quite a lot of meat of various qualities and types. Typical cuts are bicep steaks, rump roasts and thigh hams. Ribs are very popular for the bar-b-q and fingers are great when tossed in a nice buffalo wing coating and baked.
Cooking
It is important to cook your human thoroughly, as they tend to be filled with a wide array of viruses and bacteria. Human flesh should not be consumed unless it has been cooked to an internal temperature of at least 160°F. With that in mind, you can pretty much substitute human in any of your existing beef or pork recipes, but, since human meat has a genetic resemblance to pork, it is more common to use in pork recipes. Slow cooking tends to be the best way to bring out all of the natural flavors while optimizing the texture of the meat. As with all meats, you never want to over-cook your human. A general rule of thumb for oven roasting your human is 15-20 minutes per pound, but cooking times vary according to the recipe you are using.
Recipes
As stated above, humans can be incorporated into almost any recipe that calls for meat, but here are a few time honored recipes to get you started!
Corned Human and Cabbage
* One 3-pound human brisket, soaked in brine
* 16 cups cold water
* 2 bay leaves
* 2 teaspoons black peppercorns
* 2 whole allspice berries
* 2 whole cloves
* 1/2 large head green cabbage, cut into 8 thick wedges (about 2 pounds)
* 8 small new potatoes, halved
* Freshly ground black pepper
preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Place the corned human in a colander in the sink and rinse well under cold running water. Place the corned human in a large Dutch Oven with a tight-fitting lid; add the water, bay leaves, peppercorns, allspice and cloves. Bring to a boil, uncovered, and skim off any scum (many humans are full of scum). Cover and place in oven, then braise until tender, about 4 hours. Remove meat to a cutting board and cover with foil to keep warm. Add vegetables to cooking liquids and bring to a boil. Lower heat and simmer for about 20 minutes. Carve the human into thin slices and serve with the vegetables.
Human Stew
* Vegetable oil, for searing
* 2 1/2 pounds shoulder meat, cut into 2-inch cubes
* Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
* 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
* 2 medium onions, cut into 6ths
* 5 cloves garlic, crushed
* 1 tablespoon tomato paste
* 1/3 cup all-purpose flour, or to cover
* 10 cups cold water, or chicken or human broth, homemade or low-sodium canned
* 6 sprigs parsley
* 6 sprigs fresh thyme
* 2 bay leaves
* 1 1/4 pounds medium red potatoes, quartered
* 4 medium carrots, cut into 2-inch pieces
* 2 celery stalks, cut into 2-inch pieces
* 7 canned whole, peeled tomatoes, lightly crushed
* 2 to 3 teaspoons red wine vinegar, or to taste
* 1 bum's hairy nutsack, lightly battered
Heat a large Dutch oven with a tight-fitting lid over medium-high heat. Pour in enough oil to fill the pan about 1/4-inch deep. Season the person generously with salt and pepper, and add to the pan. Saute half the meat, uncovered, stirring only occasionally, until well-browned, about 8 minutes. Using a slotted spoon, transfer the person to a plate. Repeat with the remaining meat. Discard the oil and wipe out the pan.
Tip
Spice your meal with some pepperoni to give it that extra piece of delicatacy and flavo(u)r
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Return the pot to the stove and melt the butter over medium high heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring, until lightly browned, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add the tomato paste and cook, stirring, until lightly browned, about 1 minute more. Add the reserved human and scatter the flour over the vegetable and human mixture (enough to lightly coat) and cook stirring until lightly toasted. Add the water or broth, and bring to a simmer. Tie the parsley, thyme, and bay leaves together with a piece of kitchen twine and add the bundle to the pot. Season with 2 teaspoons salt, or to taste. Cover and transfer to the oven. Cook the meat until just tender, about 1 1/2 hours. (This can also be done on the stove at a low simmer.)
Remove pot from the oven. Skim the fat from the cooking liquid with a spoon or ladle. Add the potatoes, carrots, celery, and the tomatoes, and bring to a simmer on top of the stove. Cook, uncovered, stirring occasionally, until the liquid thickens and the vegetables are tender, about 1 hour. Remove and discard the herb bundle. Stir in the vinegar and season with salt and pepper, to taste. Divide among bowls and serve immediately.
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