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An old lady dies and goes to Heaven. She's chatting it

up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a

sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling

screams.



Don't worry about that" says St. Peter "It's only

someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades

for wings."



The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries

on with the conversation.



Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling

screams.



"Oh my God" says the old lady "now what is happening?"



"Not to worry" says St. Peter, "She's just having her

head drilled to fit the halo."



"I can't do this" says the old lady, "I'm going to

Hell."



"You can't go there" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped

and taken advantage of."



"Maybe so" says the old lady, but I've already got the

holes for that."

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.



When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"



Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.



"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."