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5 entries this month
Sperm anyone????
01:07 Nov 25 2007
Times Read: 609
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of
his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
SEX in the DARK
23:53 Nov 18 2007
Times Read: 613
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-
operated device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She
screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . ...you explain the kids."
Poor Steve
23:41 Nov 18 2007
Times Read: 616
Steve was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale..
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Oxymorons
23:37 Nov 18 2007
Times Read: 618
Oxymorons are two words
which are opposites
that make up common phrases.
Here's a list of some funny ones:
Act naturally
Happily married
Microsoft Works
Holy war
Found missing
Resident alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable housing
Near miss
Great depression
Canadian army
Phone sex
United nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death benefits
Airline Food
Women's rights
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Sensitive man
Government organization
Everything except
Civil War
Good kid
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Software documentation
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
New and improved
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer Burn
Honest Politician
Jumbo Shrimp
Loners Club
Postal Service
For those OVER 30 who will know what this means :)
23:33 Nov 18 2007
Times Read: 619
The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd
If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious!!! ! If not, send it to your parents! They'll think it's funny!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growg up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in heck I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dang Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
1. When I was a kid, we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the dang library and look it up ourselves... in the card catalog!! (Do you even know what a card catalog is? Didn't think so!)
2. There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the dang record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!
4. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.
10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do..... hang up and talk to them later.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!!
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
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