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Thoth and The Girl, part 1: ninjas
15:18 Nov 21 2008
Times Read: 946
Thoth and The Girl, part 1: NINJAS...
This is a cautionary tale.
The purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others. Learn from my mistakes.
I sure won't.
You see, the other night, just as I was drifting off to sleep, my girlfriend did something she now regrets.
Ladies, this is why you should never ask a man what he's thinking. Ever. You really DON'T want to know.
Time: midnight-ish
(I might have been asleep)
Girlfriend: What are you thinking about?
ThothLestat: ....ninjas.
Girlfriend: Ninjas? Really?
ThothLestat: Did I say 'ninjas'? I meant to say 'unicorns'. Girls like unicorns, right?
[dead silence]
Girlfriend: You're thinking about unicorns?
ThothLestat: Well... unicorns AND ninjas.
Girlfriend: Oh, really.
ThothLestat: Mm-hmmm.
[dead silence that lasts forever]
Girlfriend: Explain.
ThothLestat: Well, for starters... how many ninjas would it take to kill a unicorn?
Girlfriend: Why would they want to kill a unicorn?
ThothLestat: Because he's evil.
Girlfriend: Impossible.
ThothLestat: Not if he's a BAD unicorn.
Girlfriend: Your premise is flawed.
ThothLestat: Flawed? How?
Girlfriend: Unicorns can't be evil or bad. They're agents of Universal Good.
ThothLestat: Really?
Girlfriend: Yes. Every girl knows that.
[Thoth ponders]
ThothLestat: Let's say a unicorn is born with a few recessive traits. Totally natural. He just has a few unlucky chromosomes.
Girlfriend: Mm-hmm... and this makes him evil?
ThothLestat: No, evil isn't genetic. But variations in melanin levels are... let's say he has spots.
Girlfriend: Spots?
ThothLestat: Yes...And a brown tail or whatever.
Girlfriend: Okay. I'll allow it.
ThothLestat: Thank you. The other unicorns tease him mercilessly about his spots.
Girlfriend: Okay...
ThothLestat: So he runs away to live under a bridge. He's not evil though. He's just a jerk.
Girlfriend: How?
ThothLestat: He's kinda surly and depressed...doesn't return phone calls... he pees on flowers...steps on rabbits...bites children...
Girlfriend: Mm-hmm...
ThothLestat: So, one day, the other unicorns decide that it was wrong to tease him, but now they can't get him to come out from under the bridge..
Girlfriend: So they get ninjas to kill him?
ThothLestat: NO. See, they're gonna throw him a party with cake and funny hats. Ya know, to apologize for teasing him.
Girlfriend: Oh.
ThothLestat: They want to hire ninjas to scare him out from under the bridge.
Girlfriend: Oh.
ThothLestat: But they don't know how many ninjas it's going to take.
Girlfriend: Right.
ThothLestat: Too many ninjas, and there's a chance things will get outta hand, and a unicorn might get killed.
Girlfriend: Naturally.
ThothLestat: Too few ninjas, and the unicorn won't take the threat seriously.
Girlfriend: Of course.
ThothLestat: So... how many ninjas would it take to kill a unicorn?
Girlfriend: Five.
ThothLestat: FIVE?! Only five? This is a magical beast we're talking about.
Girlfriend: Good night, Scott.
ThothLestat: I was gonna say 'a hundred'. Five?
Girlfriend: Remind me to NEVER ask you what you're thinking.
ThothLestat: Five. Really? FIVE?
Girlfriend: Good. Night.
ThothLestat: Five? You girls don't know ANYTHING about ninjas.
Girlfriend: *kick*
ThothLestat: ow.
conversation killer23:13 Nov 14 2008
Times Read: 992
I really don't know how I manage to kill conversations, but I do.
Example 1
visitor:
do you like Type O Negative?
Thothlestat:
I think so. I have one of their CDs.
It's not in heavy rotation, so maybe I don't appreciate them.
Should I like it more?
visitor:
Don't like it on my account. I don't like them.
I think I only like one of their songs and it's a cover.
Thothlestat:
Oh, then I hate them.
[20 minutes later]
Thothlestat:
I said, I hate them.
[20 minutes later]
Thothlestat:
hello? HELLO?
*taps monitor*
[no response]
howling in the asylum...15:19 Nov 09 2008
Times Read: 1,027
One of my co-workers likes to ask me random questions. Random questions deserve random answers. This makes sense to me.
A conversation from last week:
co-worker:
So tell me.. let's say psychologists have a battle royale to the death. BF Skinner vs Freud. Who wins?
Thoth:
hmm. That's a trick question, isn't it?
co-worker:
no
Thoth:
hmmm. Okay. BF Skinner was a fascist. Freud was an insane pervert. Freud wins.
co-worker:
I never can tell when youre kidding.
Really.. Skinner was a fascist?
Thoth:
Nah. I'm thinking of Watson. That reminds me... I'm worried. My SuperEgo no longer communicates with my Ego. Won't even return Ego's calls. He's spending a lot of time with Id lately, and no longer believes in the merits of compromise. They're up to something.
co-worker:
I see.
Thoth:
Hey, let's ride scooters around the office and eat PIZZA! Now! Now now NOW!
co-worker:
it's 10am.
Thoth:
hmph.
You sound just like Ego.
co-worker:
I really don't know what that means.
Thoth:
I can't hear you. I'm eating Halloween candy.
holy water14:14 Nov 07 2008
Times Read: 1,063
I want a new feature for interacting with members: holy water. We have stalking, biting, lurking, blinding, blocking. etc. These are all good, vampire-centric activities. Blocking is a good start, but sometimes it doesn't quite go far enough.
There are some profiles that I don't want to see. Ever. I don't want to see their journal entries. I don't even want to be tempted to read their drivel in the forum. I don't want to stumble upon their profile, even accidentally.
I want to throw holy water on them. I want the satisfaction of clicking on an icon that does so. I don't want them virtually dead, per se.
Just invisible to me.
AND blocked.
This is aimed at no one in particular.
A friend and I were comparing notes, and thought a Holy Water feature would be handy. And it's kinder than my alternate idea for Stake Through the Heart.
ThothLestat has driven a stake through your heart. Bye bye, sucka!
I might be a bastard, but I'm not a heartless bastard.
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COMMENTS
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Nista
16:02 Nov 21 2008
You were both wrong. It would take at least...123.5 uber ninjas of utmost skill to take out a unicorn.
Pffft.
ThothLestat
16:21 Nov 21 2008
what's the "0.5" ninja, a toddler ninja?
that changes everything.
Joli
16:46 Nov 21 2008
This is kinda familiar. Did the unicorn have a red nose?
ThothLestat
16:55 Nov 21 2008
no... are you talking about Rudolph?
??
StoneCrow
17:49 Nov 21 2008
See, three things. One this is why I quit eating children after 6 o'clock in the evening. Two, everyone knows that girls can't do math so five is not nearly enough and that number Nista put up is again from a girl so can be discounted out of hand. And four...err, three? ANYway, unicorns got a discount at ninjas-r-us so it is immaterial. You gotta go for the trolls, it is a bridge after all. And everyone knows that trolls are both magical and scary...lol.
ThothLestat
17:54 Nov 21 2008
aw shit... I wish I'd thought of the trolls!
That would solve the Reality-Fantasy incompatibility matrix I was wrestling with. Rats.
Cinnamon
10:26 Nov 22 2008
Mhmmm... Just look at what you do when I'm away. -.-
CelestiaNocturne
16:05 Nov 22 2008
Okay. I just read this, and I had to call my guy BFF and read this to him. He in turn says, "Yeah. What the hell do girls know about ninjas anyway? It would take like, 137 properly traind ninjas to take down a jerk unicorn. Five? Unless the unicorn was like, a shetland pony unicorn..." This conversation went on for about 5 minutes. I finally had to tell him that I hated him and hang up. Hes still texting me with the various high points about ninjas and unicorns. Heehee.
ThothLestat
14:53 Nov 23 2008
no way! please share the unicorn-ninja info!
p.s. that means, technically, Nista's answer isn't far off.
*hands her a cookie*
CelestiaNocturne
23:51 Nov 23 2008
Well, after he said that unicorns bite nonbelievers, I stopped listening.
CryingDutchess
02:22 Dec 03 2008
THIS! THIS is what I have been looking for in entertainment! Bloody hysterical!! Crouching Ninja Surly Unicorn!
Dragonrouge
06:35 Dec 15 2008
*hysterical laugh*
Damn!
*kicks the dwarf ninja*
I have a question: the unicorn is a male or female?
The number of necessary ninjas/trolls might increase or decrease based on the unicorn`s sex... or sexual orientation.I hope it is not a pansexual unicorn.
Oh, and one more thing:
If you`re sleeping on the carpet at the entrance door, just call me.I can`t take you at my place but maybe we might solve the unicorn problem.
AudreyMathildaTruin
00:03 Jan 18 2009
#1. If I were a guy I would have sighed and mumbled something about oral sex and drifted off to sleep.
#2. It would only take two ninjas. One to jump out of the bushes and scare the unicorn and when he gets killed and stuck on the unicorn's horn the unicorn has to ask the "jerks gone nice" unicorns to help get the ninja off his horn. Suprise there's the party and then the second ninja sneaks up and drags the body of the first ninja home to his family so they can have a funeral.