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Well my dear journal....my Grandfather made it through his first Kemo treatment...it lasted nearly 6 hours or better. I spoke to him today....he sounded good.....and he was quite chatty...lol which is odd for him. but, I was glad to hear him chatter away.

I just cant get enough of him. I didnt call him last night after his treatment cuz I knew he would be tired and want to rest......and well when I called today....my grandma said I was the only one who hadded called or talked to him and needed to. After talking to him I could tell he was glad to hear from me. We have such an awesome bond. He knew why I didnt call last night and he was ok with it....its the rest of the silly ass family that just doesnt get him and I. But are so envious of us....I dont mind....

Anyways...just wanted to share with you that he made it through the first round. Next week he is going to have a port put in so it doesnt take so many sticks .....ummm supposedly it took them 6 times to get his stuff all stuck in him the right way....and evidently Missouri has a sticking nedles (sp)*I know thats wrong but Im tired* law...lol.....yeah I know .....lol.... but anyways you can only stick a patient 3 times and then you cannot do it anymore....if you dont get it in on the 3rd try your just fucked for the day.........I have no idea who makes this crap up.....lol....

ok well thats all for now

He is so strong still. Just sitting across the table from him I can see how strong he is and was in his day. My rock sits there like nothing is wrong. Smiling and laughing thats the way he has always been for me......for us all. I love him so much. He is so brave. After everyone left I had some private time with him. I love you so much PaPa.....how are you really feeling today? Tired as hell he says. But, he still holds his shoulders tall and strong. We talked on what the plan is.....next week he will start Kemo treatments. Once a week for two weeks lasting 2-3 hrs at a time......then skip two weeks .....and then back again for two more. Can you stop these at any time? Yes, he said. If I feel sick and don't think I can deal with it I can and will stop taking them. What is it that this treatment is going to do for you Pa? Nothing more than prolong my death. OK. .......I didn't cry .....I won't cry....I already did that....

As he has always told me crying doesnt do any good.....it wont stop whats to come.

Pa, you know I am here for you to say anything and do anything you need.....Yes, I know and I am counting on you for that.

Well, you can't die while I am gone to London....I can't have you leaving town the same time I am...lol...we both laughed.....but he asked me to get the calendar down and mark the days I will be gone.........you know he kinda looked at it with a heavy heart.



Doctors give him 4 months w/o treatment and maybe up to a year with it....

this fucking sucks!

He was always there for me. The only man in my world that has never failed me, never lied to me, never broke my heart, never made me cry out of meanness, never left my side..........he is my rock.......and now he is falling.

He is my everything.......he is where I get my strenght from. He gives me that little extra piss and vinager I need to keep trying. He believes in me. He tells it to me straight but, lets me fall on my face.....and he is there to pick me up and wash off the dirt. Never saying I told you so.....just asking have you learned your lesson now?......

I dont want to be selfish and cry......I would be crying for myself....not him.......lol....I remember him always saying, 'Here now, what good is it for you to cry? Its not going to fix it or make it better......so why do it?' So I told him I wont cry......not when the time comes to let him go....we spent time together so that I could cry and get it all out.....and you know.....we cried together....I will always remember that too...



I love him so much I cannot imagine life without him in it.....he has been with me for all of my days....I wish there were a way to take his essence when he passes and draw it into mine....

I am not in deniel but, more of limbo....I know he will leave soon and it is day to day now.....I know that when he leaves I will feel him go....I am preparing myself for his final trip

I dont know what more to say right now.......I just need to talk errrr write.....get it out.....

This was just too funny........

a little slip of the keyboard....lol









From:



lostallhopetolive



02:58:30

Nov 13 2007





thanks i lick yours too



On 13:38:08 Nov 12 2007 TheeLadyHawk wrote:



A very lovely page

Hey there journal.......



Just feeling a bit needy today. Was laying in bed this morning ......trying to force myself to stay in a bit....and just thinking back over a few things. I just want to cry so much right now. I guess because I have my grandfathers death coming up and he is the most important man in my world......it got me thinking about what I have and dont have. You know he was the only man in my life that loves me unconditional.....well the boys are that way but, DAmn Im going to miss him so much. I wont have anyone to call and bounce ideas off of. Noone will have my back anymore. Its all on me now. I know I can handle it......But, its so nice to know he is there.

Then my dearest UK, tries so hard to understand me.....to keep me. I know if we were on the same continant it might just be fine. But, the distance is what will be our end. I know we both know that.....but I dont want to think about it....I do live in the moment and want to make the most of it. I at first was so excited to be traving the end of the year......and now with my grandfather so ill...I have mixed feelings. But, I will still travel...I am just worried that I will lose my grandfather while I am away and cannot be home with the family..

Maybe I need to make a list of stressers....lol.....and prioritize them....

thanks for listening to my babbles...

I know this will be read by a few please understand I am just babbling....its better than keeping all inside where there is already no room

COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
19:41 Jul 01 2009

You never babbled babe ... you never did!

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POST COMMENT

Hi journal......sorry I have neglected you as of late. Its been a little crazy at home/ work...



Journal, my world is changing in a huge way very soon.....my everything is fading and there is noway I can help him. I dont understand how I can have the gift of healing and not be able to take some things away!

My grandfather, he is the world to me. He raised me and most say I am a carbon copy. He has Cancer in his lungs and lyphnodes.....which means .......he wont be with us another year. I love him so much. I know it is selfish to want to keep him here. He and I have talked about many things......and I will be strong when the time comes. Eh I dont know what to say.......I just ........well my family knows I deal with death a bit different than most.



I dont cry, it is what it is and its part of living. I am happy for my grandfather. He is tired and ready to go.....the only reason I have been crying is because I am selfish and want his hugs and advice.



The girls in the family hate that I am like that. They have all said, Annie you don't have to be so strong, its ok to just break down.......well its not that I am being strong.....its just I do what needs to be done...and deal with it.

lol.....as my grandfather says, 'there's no sense in crying, what good is that gonna do.' So I dont cry. Not with death. It doesnt do any good and so theres no reason..........



ok I am rambling on......talk in a while......



xoxo

Dang, I didnt realize how much I count on my computer being up and running. I dont like being away from it for too long......gag....that is so not healthy......lol

But I feel like when I am not here I am missing out on something very important and that bothers me a bit.....Its crazy how we get atttached to our pcs like this.....my boys even say I spend way too much time here....but I am happy with it and well it is what it is.....

Ok ......so ended up having to work late......dang it...last minute people really piss me off when they are rude about it...

I was late getting my boys and then didnt even get to feed them before I had to drop them at their dads house to get ready. They went to a party and I gave out candy and sat wtih the neighbor consoling her about a guy.....ugh....but all is well for her now. :)

the boys got home all fired up and had such a great time. It was kinda sad here at home.....there werent that many kids actually......and what happend to them having to tell a joke....or trick? Heck half of them didnt even have costumes on.....eh...my guys had a good time at their party and that is what counts.