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.....I am done searching.....

Mother will be fine. She actually had I guess what is called stress attacks....ended up having two of them. No scaring on the heart....and her cholesterol (sp) is over 400!!!!

She is soooooo grounded from lots of treats now :o)

I told her I would be on her all the time now. She just needs to rethink how she cooks and she will be great!..

My dad called me at work today around 230. Said they were at lunch just up the street from me. ......then proceeded to tell me that my mother had collapsed and the EMT's were there taking her to the hospital. My boys were with them. My youngest was freaked out. He is so scared. I got there just after they put her in the ambulance. They say they dont think it was a heart attack but not sure whats wrong. She was concious at least.

She said last night that she didnt feel right. She couldnt really say what was wrong jsut that she was really tired and didnt feel right. I got the boys and came home. I am just waiting on dad to call and let me know what they find out.

Its not the first time she has done this......but you never know.

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BLOODLIFE
18:53 Jun 28 2008

My thoughts are with you ... i'm sure it won't be serious.

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......not sure where to start...I just re-read a few entries in just the last few weeks. man my mind is running wild and rampet(sp) Over the last few months things have been changing alot....sort of like a whirlwind of events and people coming and going. In the last week or so..I feel like I have found something that was missing...almost like I was searching for someone or something and .......well I guess Im superstitious enough to not finish that thought..

I am very happy in a way I never thought was possible, in a way I never thought I deserved. Like a puzzle or something is starting to take shape and I can see.....

Im scared too....I keep pushing away the 'what if' thoughts. I don't want to think about that stuff.....I don't want to wake up from whatever dream I might be in. Just when I get comfortable being happy.....it gets ripped away.....God, I am praying so hard lately.

Eh I better stop I am just babbling ......I can't get my thoughts to slow down.....maybe another day.

Sure enough I start writing my personal relationship thoughts in here and the people involved decide to look up my profile......lol

Well...........I guess you get what you are looking for. I come here to get things off my mind. So I don't go freaking insane and maybe get some rest.

I broke things off with a guy I was seeing. He just wouldn't listen. I was always upfront with him and told him I didnt want a relationship and I just wanted to date. He said sure ok but you will change your mind. He so wanted me totally for himself. He is a great guy and would make someone a wonderful devoted husband. But, that isn't what I want right now.

When you go looking for trouble your bound to find it.....and well he did. I told him that I was gonna be seeing other people.

Im not getting into details but, Friday night at 230 in the fucking morning he was banging on my door. we had it out pretty bad in my driveway.......great now the neighbors know....lol

He wanted all the gifts he gave me back. You know its a good damn thing that I am not a material girl.....lol

You know he had the fucking nerve to say to me.



'the only way I will take you back.....(I had to laugh cuz after his little tantrum, there was no going back).....is that you have to get rid of your computer and all those internet people, no more going out with your guy friend, and you will be with just me'. I was such a good girl I didnt call him nasty names or raise my voice.....I just told him YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

No one tells me what or who I can be friends with. OMG!!!



Then he had the fucking balls to tell me that he will get me back. Great now he fucking threatened me. Sigh....I so don't need this highschool drama.

I am soooooo done.



PS.....THIS NOTE GOES OUT TO HIM.......

IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. FORGET YOU EVER MET ME. MOVE ON.

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BLOODLIFE
17:44 Jun 16 2008

..... and if 'YOU' are reading this, don't make me get a plane.



omfg, I just read my last comment under this one ... lol

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Things are pretty good right now, my dearest journal. I don't feel pressured by anyone and thats a good feeling....I can breathe :o)

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BLOODLIFE
14:33 Jun 13 2008

Now you've done it..lol

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........hmmmm good question.....

I forget to think about what I want. I really do put my wants to the back. I had to think on that one......

I want my children to be happy.

To stop fighting so much and get along.

I want them to be healthy and not have any serious health problems.

I want ....I want my grandfather to magically get better and live another 50 years

I want to be able to not worry about paying my bills. Know that there is money left over to do something fun with the kids.

..........

what about in a guy.........

that is a tough question.......

I don't want a guy. I want a man.

I want a man that will love me for just being me. I want a man that I love so much that I can't wait to see him again.

I want him to surprise me just because...for no reason other than he can.

I want some one that gives me my freedom.....how do I put that.....I don't want him around constantly.

I mean I would like to maybe talk to him everyday but, I don't have to see him every day.

And I want him to not ask me 50 thousand questions as to where, who, what and when.

I want to know that he will be there holding my hair back when I am sick and throwing up. (I know thats gross but its important)

I want someone that understands what I mean when I talk about my beast and spiritual issues.

Some one that can relate and be ok with it all.

I want him to like my boys.

I want a man that is man enough to know that I Love him and not worry about me talking to other people.

I want a man that is secure in himself that if I talk to some guy friends he doesnt get jealous or drill me with countless questions of our conversation.



hmmmmmm when I started to write this....I really didnt know what I wanted........

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BLOODLIFE
10:08 Jun 05 2008

Hmmmmmmm, ..... I still think you are unsure as to what you want.

Lucky for you you have friends who will pull your hair back just the same.

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I just never can seem to get it right. Damn. I think maybe I try too hard. Ha.....or maybe not hard enough. I wish there were a way that some one could get in my mind and sort things out. I push so much stuff to the tomorrow file that its overflowing and needs attention.

I don't procrastinate except when it comes to relationships.

I would like to blame some of my way of thinking on my lack of childhood or my lack of parents being around.....but Im a grown woman and I need to just straighten it out myself and figure things out.

Someone said I don't know what I want......they are apsolutely correct. I put my children and other before myself so much that I don't know what I really want........