The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I don't really know what it is, but damn, everyone is getting something MAJOR... or at least, the people I know are. Within the course of year, my dad, sire, second cousin, and good friend have all landed themselves in the hospital. Dad b/c there's something wrong with him, but they don't know what. (It's been a little over a year, actually). My sire's heart isn't how it should be. My second cousin has about 3 weeks left to live b/c of a very fast growing brain cancer called Stage 4 Glioma. My good friend had a stroke. I mean, they're 46, 33, 50, and 19. THEY'RE NOT OLD PEOPLE!! Why is everything going to shit?! I mean, my body's crapping out on me because I have no drive/desire/urge/whatever to feed. My depression, and the fact that I seem to somewhat enjoy the pain my body feels from lack of feeding, keep me from wanting to feed. But I know the source of my problems, and I also know that once I do feed, everything will be fine. But 3 out of 4 of those people are human, and my sire doesn't neglect himself like I do, so why the hell are their bodies raging war against them??



It scares me. It actually depresses me even more. I have a long history of cancer in my family, and I know that either me or my kids will end up with cancer. It fucking sucks. Or, having a heartatack, (like my grandfather did....) Fucking fuck. I worry about this kind of shit, and I worry about my loved ones even more.



*vent*

This silence is killing me, as I’ve previously said in other "I’m not ACTUALLY breaking my vows of silence" blogs, but this time, I honestly mean it.



Screw silence. [Fuc dis shit] poor attempt at being... well, stupid...



I’ve been in a very Nikki mood lately, which is good, considering that, that is in fact my name. Being in a Nikki mood consists of doing absolutely nothing of any significant importance while still managing to pull a muscle in your lower back and obsessing over mashed potatoes. Throw video games into the mix, and you’re set until, if you’re a girl, you grow a penis, and if you are a guy, your penis increases in size. Fun? Yes.



I’ve noticed something about Resident Evil 4 that I hadn’t truly noticed before. The zombies (which more resemble a massive herd of Mexican stupids stampeding across Spain in outlandishly outdated clothes) are a 9 inch sized pain in the ass. **Note, I said Mexican stupids stampeding across Spain because if you listen to their accents, they sound Mexican even though they’re supposed to be native Spaniards.** They aren’t even called zombies in this game almost-remake. They’re "los infectados" (the infected) who seem to not quite grasp the concept of intelligence, but who are allowed to run around farming, some with an occasional chainsaw.



Besides that, the game is really quite fun. Until you rescue Ashley. She’s completely annoying, and in my opinion, she’s not worth the time or effort. Or both. She’s the reason why I’m there in the first place running away from both the ever-slowly decaying Mexicaniards, and the grenades which seem to like ricochetting off of walls a mile away, somehow landing behind me before I realize it’s there, then proceeding to blow me the fuck up.



Yes, I just took you to California. Deal. Anyways, back to Waste of Air Slut, aka: Ashley. You finally find her after hearing her call your name out over and over and wanting nothing more than to bash her brains out with an electrical spork. After beating two rather large bitches about 7.5 feet tall with full armor, you discover you have to get a card key to let her out. At this point, you’re mentally stabbing both Ashley for being stupid, and yourself for wasting all your ammo missing the dickwads you was supposed to be hitting.



After that, you kill a series of rather-be carpet munching pricks, and a few "fuck you- holes", get the key you need, do it all over again, and return to Ashley, only to momentarily freak out because she’s no longer there.



ARGGGGGG!



So, what do I do today to make up for the fact that I can’t play this overly addicting game? I watch an actual game play story shit about RE2, aka Biothreat 2. While eating the most delicious bowl of mashed potatoes EVER.



Oh, and apparently I was wrong. They are not called Los Infectados (which I could have sworn they were), they’re called Los Ganados, apparently Spanish for "The Cattle" or "The Mob". I’d never hear to term before, but I will be calling everybody I see a Ganado, and I will pwn life.

So yesterday was weird... I got some good news, but it was completely engulfed in bad news. I wish I could make whatever pain he's feeling go away, but it won't happen until we speak again. *sigh* And it's going to take time. I also got a hell of a lot of bad news the day before. My second cousin, 50 years old, is dying of brain cancer. Stage 4 Glioma. It's wrapped around his hypothalamus, making it impossible to operate. And it grew extremely quickly. He was diagnosed 3 weeks ago, and now doctors say he's only got about 3 weeks left to live. I have an uncle who getting married at the end of April, so having a funeral closely followed by a wedding will be... interesting.



And for those of you who didn't notice, VR crashed yesterday. Yes, I felt it necessary to post this. Why? B/c of the problems VR has now. Lol. I noticed it when pretty much everything I did yesterday went to crap. I.e. my messages to Ryu, which is actually what I noticed first, especially when messages I'd deleted before hand had re-appeared. I was pretty much like WTF? So I checked everything else out, too. Hardly anyone has any pictures up, The 3 people, who added me as a friend yesterday, are missing from my "friend lists you are on" page. ARGGGG!! It's ok, though. I'll just have to re-add my pictures. And everything else. The person I was happy about I can just message and let him know....eventually.



And Rock Band is pretty much awesome, but PAINFUL!!!! I'll need to get a freaking wrist wrap in order to not fucking die. So,.... yes. I'm pretty good at guitar. Actually, I'm almost ready to advance onto hard, but last time I tried, my fingers almost fell off, and death happened. Drums is still iffy. I get it sometimes, other times I miss the point completely, to where I'm just randomly hitting colors, hoping to get the right one. Singing I do fairly well, too..... except the guy songs where their voice is too low to do.



Yes.



I want to take away his pain. Very much.

My vow of temporary silence is slowly driving me insane. I need to write. I need to express myself. I need an outlet.



I've pretty much been blinded, and I hate it. Blinded unfairly and unjustly. Shoved into the darkness without any sort of lifeline. I'm raising myself, and I have so many questions and no one I can trust to turn to for the answers. I'm scared, and I've found myself lost. I'm angry because of my mistakes. If I had handled certain situations differently, perhaps I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in.



I'm teaching myself how to survive, and I must say it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I don't have all the materials I need, and the ones I do have raise more questions than they do answer the ones I've already developed. I need a mentor, but I can hardly trust any of the people I already know. I can hardly trust myself.



I'm starving. I'm scared I'll hurt somebody I love. My body has already started to protest. I get frequent headaches, stomach and uterus pains. I can see my aura reaching out for food where there isn't any. I can also see my aura reaching out on its own. I feel weak. The pain my body goes through is so severe sometimes that I can hardly move.



I am in desperate need of guidance, and I feel I have nowhere to turn.

I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm terrified. I'm ashamed.



I need to be strong. I can't cry. I need to let go.



I'm scared but I can not cry.

I need to regroup myself. I've opened myself up a bit too much on this site, and I feel exposed, almost as though everyone can see into my soul. No. No that won't do. I need to re-teach myself how to make my fake smile mirror my real one again. After this journal entry, that is.



I fee alone. No, scratch that. I am alone. I can't seem to stop crying. Even when I fall asleep, my dream self cries and cries. It just won't stop. Call me weak, I just don't care anymore. I smoke for a whole new reason now. The small high I got from it relaxes me so much, that I want to fall asleep. My cigarettes are making me sleepy. And God, I love it. If I sleep, I can pass the time and not even have to worry about it. Unless my dreams make me remember it. Then I just want to be sucked into a void.



I'm not good enough. I never have been, and I have a strong feeling I never will be. I need to love myself, but I can't. I don't know how. I've spent most of my life hating myself for stupid shit I did or didn't do. I feel like a failure, like I'm not enough for the people I love.



(*entering semi-emo moment* "My love wasn't enough." --Evanescence, Lacrymosa [track 7, The Open Door] *semi-emo moment over*)



I've been torturing myself with my thoughts. It hurts so badly. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. Or sleep for a really really long time. I blame myself for everything that's gone wrong. I never seem to be able to do things right anymore. I'm (a) royal(lay) screw(ed) up.



*sighs*



Now that I've bared my soul for the world to see, I'm going to work on figuring out how to hide it again. After all, it's something I was a pro at.

Ultimate Survey (377 questions long)

time started: 3:26pm

full name: Birth name or Vampyric name??

nickname(s): Nikki, Nani, Baby Joka, Kiki, October

birthday: October 9

where were you born: The firey pits of hell more commonly known as Miami, FL

zodiac sign: Libra

height: 5'10" I used to be taller.

weight: I didn't tell you a year ago, and I'm not telling you now, though I have lost weight.

hair color: Black

eye color: Chocolate

shoe size: Depends on the shoe. b/w 8.5 and 9.5 in womens. 7 in mens.

ring size: Uh....? 6.5/6.25? Something like that.

skin type (freckles, tan, albino, etc.): The whitest Cuban out there. Lol.

blood type: Red... I still have no idea. Lol

grade: I'm in College, bitches!! Lol.

siblings: 2 little slaves....erm, i mean, brothers

tattoos: None yet, though I have really nice designs for what I want done.

piercings: 5

hobbies: Writing, movies, music, internet, talking on the phone,being weird



favorite

color: Black, blood red, purple.

food: Chocolate, pizza, ramen, Cuban

candy: Chocolate.

type of cheese: The type I can eat and that isn't made with larva. yuck

pizza topping: Cheese and bacon

salad dressing: Ranch?

sandwich: Ham, cheese and extra mayo. yummy yummy for my tummy!!!!

cereal: Tony tiger, CTC, the waffles one they took away years ago. *tear*

fruit: Mango. mmmmm, que rico!!!!

vegetable: Yuck. No. *stabs them with a spork*

berry: Straw

cake: Chocolate

book: The Hollows series and Harry Potter

movie: I'll get back to you.

magazine: Gothic Beauty Magazine

newspaper: Oh, you're funny.

tv show: Ghost Hunters, A Haunting, How It's Made, and quite a few others.

website: VR, Myspace

radio station: real rock 101.1, 93.1 rock,

font: Gothicy and red

cartoon character: I actually don't know.

artist (painter): I'll get back to you on that...

actor: Not too sure, actually.

actress: Same as actor.

cd: One of my mix CDs

song: It changes with my mood.

music group: Evanescence.

music type: Gothic Rock.

day of the week: Thursday (it's my Friday)

month: October

season: Fall

holiday: Halloween

shampoo: Herbal Essences "Long Term Relationship" (Shampoo for long hair)

conditioner: dove therapy

number: 17 and 26

phrase: "I know no beliefs, only results..."

store: Hot Topic, any bookstore.

weather: Overcast.

restaurant: Hm.... I dunno.

channel: Travel, Discovery, Chiller, HBO.

teacher: English teachers Junior and Senior years of High School

weekend activity: Sleeping in.

hangout: Hard Knocks

house color: I dunno. Something either brick or neutral.

sport to watch: Football (when I decide I feel like watching football)

sport to play: Basketball (When I decide I feel like playing basketball)

animal: Puppies

flower: Blood red roses.

guy's name: To name my son? Zain/Zane

girl's name: *knowing smile* Ayame.

board game: Monopoly

party game: Twister and 7 Deadly Sins.

story from childhood: Cinderella.

body part: My personal favorite are my eyes. I've been told, however, that I have a beautiful smile and a great ass. *shrugs* Lol.



have you ever

been on a train: Yup

been on a plane: Way too many times to count...

been in a car accident: Yeah, not so much fun.

caused a car accident: Ha. Yeah, even worse than just being in one

run into a wall: on many occasions

burned a potato chip: What? No. Sorry. I don't get THAT bored...

almost burned the house down: I'm going to have to go with no.

smoked: Yes.

been drunk: Tipsy

been high: Haha. No.

broken the law: Shut your face!

burned a cd (if yes, the one above is yes): Yes

kissed someone of the opposite sex: I sure have, and lemme tell ya, I LOVE it! *sends a kiss*

kissed someone of the same sex: Lol, yeah, a few times, actually.

frenched an animal: Go fuck your mom. That's fucking gross.

made out: Mm-hmm.

gotten engaged: Nope. Not yet.

had an online relationship: *grins*

been rejected by a crush: Yup.

loved: Currently

made yourself cry to get out of trouble: Haha. Yeah.

cried in public: A few times.

cried over a movie: I'm female. What the fuck do you think?

fallen asleep in a movie theater: Before the movie started, but I woke up once it did.

given someone a bath: Uh... Yeah.

been to a boarding school: Nope.

been home-schooled: No, thank God.

lost a valuable item: Grrr... Yes.

bungee jumped: Not yet. Maybe one day.

skied: Yeah, but not in ages.

met the president: Ha! No

met a celebrity: Unofficially..... I saw Chris kirpatrick standing outside of a bathroom, with about 4 body guards around him. He apparently needed company in order to pee.

gotten a cavity: Nope.

shopped at abercrombie & fitch: Fuck no.

made a prank call: Nope.

skipped school: Who hasn't?

faked sick to get out of school: Many times.

purchased something that you knew didn't fit: Probably.

climbed a tree: St. Augustine.

fallen from a tree: Haha. No.

broken a bone: Nope!!!

sprained anything: My ankle. Twice.

passed out: Nope.

made yourself pass out: ...No?

been to disney world: Psh... Never....

been to a theme park (not disney): I live in FL. what do you think? DUH!!

said i love you and meant it (not to a relative): Every day. :)

made a model volcano (working model): Lol. No.

made a clover leaf with your tounge: Yup.



past

what did you do yesterday: Many things.

memory you miss the most: Being purely happy.

memory you want to forget: A few things.

something you regretted after it was done: I'm not gonna talk about it.



the last

song you heard: Whatever the last song I heard in Alye's car was.

cd you bought: The Open Door.

thing you said: The fuck? (to my phone.)

time you cried: Last night on the beach, a little bit.

movie seen in a theater: The Spiderwick Chronicles.

thing you ate: Not what I'm hungry for...

person who called: Not the person I want to call.

nail polish shade worn: Black.

time you showered: Yesterday at like 5:30pm.

person who complimented you: I have no clue.



at this moment

what are you listening to: The subtle voices on the tv.

what are you wearing: Jammie pants, a sports bra, and a spag strap.

what are you thinking: I want *censors self*

what are you scared of most: Loosing someone.

how many people are on your buddy list: Quite a few.



future

occupation: Photographer/wife (hopefully)/mom (definately, though when is really iffy)

marriage site: Outside in the fall. Possibly at night.

honeymoon: No clue.

place to live: I've wanted to life in VA since I was in 7th grade.

kids: *grins*

car: Something fast.

what are you doing tomorrow: I don't know.

do you think george bush will be reelected: Nope.

will there be a wwIII: Probably

will politics ever be truthful: Haha! You're fucking funny.

will humanity snuff itself out: Yup.

can the gov. be changed: Nope.



do you believe in

heaven: Yeah.

hell: Yeah.

angels: Yup.

devil: Yup.

god: I believe in a higher power.

buddha: Sure.

aliens: We're not alone.

ghosts: Hah. Oh yes.

spirit (soul): Yup

soulmates: *smiles*

reincarnation: Yup

love at first sight: Depends.

karma: Yup

love in general: Duh!!!

luck: Sure...

yourself: Depends



crush

who and when was your first crush: omg. i was 3.

any now: Not a crush, but ok.

a celebrity crush: Johnny Depp.

who do you want to be with right now: *smiles*

whos number do you want: I dunno.

who do you want to kiss: *smiles*

what is something you dont understand about the opposite sex: I don't understand them, period, though I'm starting to get it with one guy in particular.

if you could go on a date with anybody, who would it be: *smiles*

on scale of one to ten, how romantic are you: 8-9?

first thing noticed about the opposite sex: Eyes and height.

what do you look for personality-wise: Honesty and a sense of humor

biggest turn on: Getting bitten.

biggest turn off: Smelly people.

something thay weat that turns you on: thay? weat? wtf?

something they wear that turns you off: idk

the most romantic thing you want to happen to you: *smiles*

the most romantic thing that has happened to you: Covers over the TV. Nuff said. (at least, for me)

what do you wear on a coffee date: Jeans and a comfy nice shirt, I guess. I've never been on a coffee date.

is it right to flirt if you're taken: Cheating isn't. And flirting in front of your significant other isn't either, unless they know you're going to do it jokingly to throw someone else off. Then it's funny.

is cyber cheating: *cybering, and only if taken seriously.

are eyes the passageway to the soul: You have no idea.

who would you like to take to the prom: That was last year.

do you want to hug somebody right now: Very much so, yes.

do you know what an aphrodisiac is: Duh.



describe

mellow: ..duuuuuuuddddde

melancholy: *moppy*

the perfect date: funness

the perfect mate: *toothy grin*

how m&m's are made: *tear* no.

why manhole covers are round: So that square and triangular ppl cant fit though



one or the other

coke/pepsi: Coke! The original.

sprite/7-up: Either.

boxers/briefs: Boxers.

gold/silver: white gold

vanilla/chocolate: Chocolate

flowers/candy: both, please!

book/magazine: book

tv/radio: omg. i hate you. *explodes*

glass half empty/half full: half full

democrat/republican: independant

colored pencils/markers: crayons

coffee/tea: cuban coffee

sun/moon: Moon!!

day/night: Night.

hot/cold: warm

dog/cat: dog

button/zipper: dude. i dont know

cotton/feather pillow: cotton. feathers end up in my mouth

blue/purple: Purple.

plumber/trashman: handyman

jeans/shorts: jeans

long distance relationship/none: long distance

mechanical/regular pencil: mechanical

matt/ben: oooo. that was below the belt. ben

that 70's show/simpsons: family guy

romantic comedy/thriller: oooo. depends on my mood

nsync/bsb: omg. *explodes*

peanut butter/jelly: pb AND j

waffles/pancakes: both

letter/email: email

florida/california: florida

pizza/burgers: pizza

hat/visor: hat?

football/rugby: football

iceskating/blading: theres a difference?

movie at home/in theater: home



first thing you think of when you hear

yellow: sun

red lipstick: Sex

socks: rock

cowtipping: Mooo

moulin rouge: I will love you until my dying day.

greenland: is full of ice

iceland: is full of green

harry potter: NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH!

red: blood.

blackberry: muffins!

rose: My fave.

rooster: cockadoodledoo!!!

taxes: fuck.

bill clinton: i did not have sex with her

whipped cream: fun to play with

lollipops: *grins*

dreams: yes, i have them

love: *smiles*

guys: are weird

south park: is stupid

boy bands: totally 90's

pengiuns: ALBINO

girls: go to mars to be superstars

thong: fun....?

death: not alone, thanks

spoons: to throw at you

junk mail: sucks major ass

dairy: comes from happy cows

panties: not necessary

your father: carlos

pizza: yummy

britney spears: insane

vitamin: vitameatavegamin



are you

happy: Sometimes.

sad: Sometimes.

religious: No

bitchy: I have my days.

crazy: *twitch*

messy: I'm getting better.

mad: Sometimes.

slacker: Haha. yeah

nerd: *snorts*

bookworm: yup

jock: pft.hell no

preppy: die

selfish: yes. with one thing.

giving: very

obsessive: you down with ocd? lol. no

violent: when i play vgames

calm: i have my moments

peaceful: i try to be

mellow: eh

eccentric: eh?

caring: very

untrustworthy: hell no

loyal: exreamly. perhaps a little too much? i dunno

patriotic: i have my moments

perverted: haha. heh

colorful: yup!

artistic: very



miscellanoues

what color is your jacket: Black and red.

do you shave: Duh

where: Go fuck yourself.

what color is your razor: dark blue/ purple

what size is your bed: twin, I think

what color crayon would you be: black and red.

what are the last four digits of you phone number: 5555

feelings on abortion: I'd rather not think about it, actually.

how lond does it take you to shower: Depends

what does your screenname mean: Octoberess

thoughts on blonde pop stars in general: *explodes them*

who so you trust the most: A few people.

is cussing a necessity in life: Fuck yes.

how about coffee: if its cuban, yes

is the world screwed: pretty much

what something you cant live without: my cell phone

what time did you fall asleep: 8-something this morning.

know what 69 means: ha. yeah

how about 143: yup!!!

can you live without a microwave: I'm in college, so no.

what do think about death: it's part of life

where and when do you want to be married: dunno

do you want to drop out of school: hell no.

why is the sky blue: b/c god made it that way. duh

what is a good trait about yourself: im loyal

what do you always think about: my thoughts

what is wrong with your school: too small.

what is right with your school: the campus is nice

how do you react to change: i go with it, usually

do you talk to yourself: yup. currently. how sad

what is your opinion on love: It can be a real bitch, but I love it.

can you afford to lose weight: yup. about 15lbs or so

what color would you dye your hair: black. dark violet. dark red. fun dark colors

best thing anyones told you: i love you/ im poud of you

what is your reaction to someone telling you you're hot: *blush* thanks.

does being psycho appeal to you: eh. i have my days. lol

if you wrote a book, what would it be about: me

what would you change your name to: i wouldnt

longest crush lasted how long: years and years

tme finished: 4:37

"We're supposed to try and be real.

And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."



--Evanescence (Understanding [Wash It All Away])



Reality. The reality of my life has always been harsh. Hardly ever have I experienced pure happiness; many time have I experienced depression. The realities in life are always hardest to bare.



I'm hurting. I have been for quite some time. But, I hide behind a smile, and pretend that everything's ok.



I smoke to forget the pain. I hurt myself to forget the pain. I get angry to forget the pain. I play video games to forget the pain.



I don't like my realities. They're harsh and cruel. Reality does not love me; it is not my friend. It pokes fun at my misfortunes.



Sometimes I wish I were a child again. Innocent. Naiive. Make believe was my life. My own world was pure then. Now it's tainted. I let people in. They trash it. I'm left picking up the peices of the world I took so long to create.



I'm angry. I'm sad. I want to cry. I want to fight. I want to take a long walk and forget.

I'm fighting the urge, but I fear it will win

I can feel it in my mind

replying itself in my head

Like a broken record of a memory

That has yet to happen.

I can see myself cutting away my pain;

feel the blood pour out

And the thought entices me.

After all, I'd rather feel my self inflicted pain

Than the pain cause to my heart by others.



--Me





I can't help it. I get a bit more depressed as the days wear on. I feel like I'm dying inside. Everyone says I'm supposed to be happy. And though I know how I'd be happy, it doesn't seem to be working out.



I can feel my heart hurting and needing to be comforted. The problem is that I don't know where it is. I can't trust others with my heart, b/c they just smash it (intentionally or not).



I get depressed so easily. I miss how things were a year ago. Shit, I even miss how things were last summer. I don't know if I can have that again.



It doesn't matter how hard I try, I always end up with the short end of the stick. I'm too kind hearted. It's the nice people who always get hurt. Maybe I did something really bad or wrong in a previous life and I'm paying for it now. I mean, can karma travel b/w lifetimes? B/c I feel as though I'm paying for something I didn't do.



Sometimes I just want to be put into an eternal slumber. That would be so nice. I wouldn't have to face my demons anymore. I wouldn't have to cry myself to sleep anymore. I could be happy in my sleep.



I just want to be happy. And loved. Truly loved.

I can't listen to love songs. They completely destroy me inside. I mean, don't get me wrong, they'er beautiful, but I just can't. I think it's because I feel as though they're not for me. Like, if I'm with someone.... Love songs are directed at another person. I mean, I'm used to it, but I think the way I'm used to it is by not listening to them.



What brought this on? Well, I was looking through my music and realized that a good percentage of my songs are love songs. I think the reason why I have them is because I used to like them. For example, Bryan Adams' "To Really Love A Woman". I used to listen to that as a child and think "Wow! I hope someday someone will love me like that!" I used to love it. Now, I cry my eyes out everytime I hear it. Love songs fuck me up inside.



There's one song that I just can't stop listeing to. Christina Aguilera's "Save Me From Myself". It's beautiful. But I get depressed. Or rather, my depression rears it's ugly head, b/c I'm more than certain that I'm clinically depressed. Honestly, I should probably be on Lithium right now, or something similar.



I counteract my love song deathness with some Evanescence, or random angry music. There are several ways to see into my soul and know how I'm feeling. One way is by looking into my eyes. My eyes give me away. Another way is by listening to what I'm listening to. There are a few select people who I'll allow to know what's going on in my head, and a few select people who I used to be that way with. I don't do it all the time, b/c I either feel like I'm putting my burden on other's shoulders, or like I'm about to get rejected.



I'm an expert at wearing masks. I've been doing it my whole life. Pretending to be happy when I'm not is what I'm good at.



That, and taking pictures.

*cracks nuckles and neck*



Ahh.... I finally defeated the Konquest part of my Mortal Kombat game. God, did that EVER feel good! Lol. Now I just have up up my character's levels a bit, win more money, and TADA! I'll have defeated the entire game.



Yes, I've become very intune with my geekdom. And guess what? It feels great to be back to my old self. :)



So, my spring break has come. I love it. No school. I mean, I still have a shit load of research to do, but I don't have any school to go to. I don't have to get up at the ass crack of dawn. I can take my time( more or less) to do my stuff. And since the boys still have school and mom works, I can run around the house naked. Lol. Jk.... maybe... :)



I'll also be doing some working out this spring break. Gotta get in shape for summer, ya know. I dunno why. I'm not gonna go tanning or anything. Hm... I think it'll help with training and all that fun jazz. *ponders* yes... I think so. Besides, I'd love to lose this final dress size and tone up some. I'll be killer then.



It seems as though I've run out of things to say...



How sad.

Now that I'm thinking about them, I figured I'd journal about them, too...



I hate arachnids. I don't know why. I just do. They freak me out to such an extent, I pretty much stop funtioning normally around them. Even if the damn thing is fake. I freak out.



Being alone. I don't know why, but it's one of my biggest ones. I'm terrified of being alone the rest of my life. Alone at home, not so much, unless the shadows are really acting up, then Imma call someone and talk their ears off until I feel better. But, no. I'm talking about lifetime, wise. It scares me half to death.



Clowns. I don't know man, they're just creepy as fuck!! Always happy. Always smiling. Always thinking "lemme kill you" I don't get why they're used at kids' b-day parties so much.... they scare the crap out of them. Or at least the normal kids I know.



Zombies. They're just disgusting. I think that's why corpses' creap me out so much. Dead bodies?? No thanks. Let's put it this way, If I were on a boat with a dead body and it came back to life, I'm pulling a Jesus, and getting the fuck out of there.



Dolls. I think they're pretty and all, but their eyes are so lifeless.... There's no emotion behind them. They're creepy. They're right up there with clowns, only, they aren't living.

...Than to scream at the top of my lungs!



Why?



I'm not really sure which reason is the "correct" reason, but there's a few possiblities.



I'm frustrated.

I'm pissed.

I'm (somewhat) jealous.

I hate.

My pictures don't do what I fucking tell them to.

My eyes hurt.

My heart (where ever the fuck it happens to be laying right now) hurts.





Oh. And my legs asleep.



I hate double guessing myself. I fucking hate it. I used to be confident (for like a year out of my entire life...), wha the fuck happened? I don't think anything I do is good enough or worth it anymore. I just kind of want to throw all my shit on the ground and start over. I can't. But I want to.



My promise and love keeps me where I should be. That, and my gut telling me that even though I've been wronged and am continuing to hurt, I need to stay right where I am b/c this is where I'm supposed to be.



Do you know how fucking difficult and FRUSTRATING it is to be shoved into a dark and secretive world with a fucking blindfold over your goddamn eyes?? With hardly any help from others? Fuck me, it's frustrating.



My hunger doesn't help my mood at ALL. I haven't fed in months,. My sensitivity to light and sound is growing. I wake up at the slightest noise. Nothing I eat is satisfying. If it wouldn't give a certain group of people so much pleasure, I'd say that I just wanted to curl up and die.



But, I'm too much of a stubborn vampyre to do it.



You know what I hate almost as much as the other thing I hate? (yeah, I know... Wonderful sentence stucture...) I hate seeing the thing I hate displayed like a fucking trophy. What the hell?? It's not even a pretty thing!! It just kind of sits there and does nothing but cause eye sores. And I'm not the only one who thinks this. It actually disgusts me. Like, I may want to vomit right now... perhaps.



Gah!!



*UBER FRUSTRATION*



And now, I want a cigarette...

It's got something yucky and funny looking in it, and we are just not getting along tonight. *sighs* It's a shame, too... I was looking forward to eating it.



I'm about a third of the way into my book. I'm so excited about it that I could just spit. Mentally. I'm devouring it like it's going out of style.



So.... I don't recommend going to Liquid Cellar (if you're ever in the UCF area of Florida). It's like high school but with beer, smoking, and a hell of a lot more vomit. Yucky!! How about no? And I also don't recommend driving around a pretty and creepy part of town looking for a cemetery that only emerges from the darkness once you're lost and no longer looking for it. Geh... I SWEAR ITS THERE, THOUGH!! I swear it. (I know a few kids who'd be upset at hearing swear to something, but... I do, so... yeah...)



Also, don't sleep in your friend's car unless you've brought enough blankets, especially when it's a cold night. And, when you wake up a few hours later b/c it's too cold, don't put the heater on and fall asleep like that, b/c you'll wake up sweating and wishing you could remove your own skin so that it would cool off. And expect the sun to burn a hole through your skin at around 10, b/c it will.



All joking aside, I had fun getting lost, a cig buzz, and just chillin' with Iseult last night. We didn't document anything, which kind of ticks me off, but its ok. We have our memories.



I'm off to read my book and put off my homework some more.



How do you Ninja??

Rating people. Yes, I know we can rate people anywhere b/w a 1 and a 10. But to rate a person who has obviously spent a lot of time and effort on their profile a one because of a 'house rule' is just plain rude. Ok, if the profile has something in violation of the VR TOS, then by all means, message them and let them know that they need to fix it. But downrating them b/c of it is unnecessary. Especially when you don't know the person or have had any previous interaction with them.



I say 'house rule' this way b/c I read everything in the house and saw nothing that said for you to auto rate them a 1. Nothing. I won't mention house names, but in my opinion, that has to be the dumbest rule I've ever heard of.



It's not that my profile's been suspended until we can fix the problem that's bothering me, it's the fact that TWO bitch asses (call me juvenile, I don't care) rated me a 1, just because of that. "I don't want to be blinded!!" Oh darn! If that's the worst thing that can happen to you, then you need to find a life and fast.



Fucking insignificant profile Nazi coven is what it fucking is.



Oh, this was a rant, btw. Lol.

COMMENTS

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Maledicta
20:43 Mar 02 2008

WHile I agree that perhaps the best thing would have been to just message you about it, it still doesn't excuse the fact that you felt the need to respond to a polite message (she DID say she would happily re-rate you once the problem had been solved) with a tetchy one, and then get someone else involved as well. There was really no need to involve LordOfNoctemAeternus as well, was there? Especially as he is now making bombing threats and generally being a bully.

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TheVenus
21:05 Mar 02 2008

First off, what pissed me off was the one, b/c it made me feel as though she was only looking for errors, not the over-all quality of the work on my page. Second of all, I never asked anyone to message anyone. I have no control over others.



She's obviously talked about me in some way, b/c I suddenly have an overflow of people from the coven 'investigating' my profile.



I had every right to be pissed. Rating me a 1? I spent countless hours working on my profile to make it presentable. She, along with Kontradiction, should have messaged me about it rather than posting it on my profile along with a very degrading 1.

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