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I woke up at 3am, couldn't go back to sleep with the rainstorm. I felt low, have on and off for the last two months. I am fairly certain I know why after today's mass introspection fest.



I miss you, I miss being with you, around you, holding you. I love you. I realize I dont show my fears and insecurities often, but today They jumped me, I'm afraid in my naive, obnoxious youth I'll sabotage the best relationship I've known.



Fear...doesn't shake me often.

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PandorasBx
13:17 Oct 26 2010

I love and miss you too baby. I know its hard being apart but everything is going to work out I promise you ♥

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Liquor... Not my friend. I regret having a good memory. I hope in all my current sober thoughts I can forget tonight. I pray for the strength to forgive.



Wonderful kismet. I don't want to hear about the messages you get.

I really wish I could say the right thing always. But I can't. I work on it. But between sleeping 3-6 hours a night. Waking up 5-10 times a night, many if which because you aren't here. Its hard to say what I mean all the time. So a slip of the tongue was wrong. I'm ok with that. I accept your anger. I just wonder if I'll ever have your forgiveness. I'm sorry, I know there is no other solace I can give.



If wishes were horses we'd be standing in horse shit.

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xxEmaeraldxx
21:10 Oct 14 2010

Ain't it a nightmare when you cant sleep!

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Bloody hell. Please just call me.

Fair enough. Keeping my mouth shut on specific things. I think you're very right. As well, please tell me then and there when you're angry with me, as I should also do the same.

I indulged in my sweet tooth and bought candy before work. Swedish Fish mmmm it's chewy and bliss.

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PAGAN
21:08 Oct 10 2010

yea sugar is GOOD

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xxBlueFairyxx
21:20 Oct 10 2010

I remember those, can't find them here , the were soooo yuuummmyyy.

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PandorasBx
21:26 Oct 10 2010

I'll be your candy babe ;)

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xxEmaeraldxx
21:51 Oct 10 2010

Sugar rushes..gotta love the satisfaction of candy and chocolate!

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I love cooking, but this? This isn't cooking, no it's a glorified dishwashers positions. There is no real gratitude, just obnoxious self indulging high school behavior. I refuse to be high and or drunk while on the job so it's not like I've got a lot of options left. Money is money, but when it's the same disappointment and lack of fun, it's just not worth my time anymore.



I just don't have the heart to care for this place anymore.

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KattrinaK
03:27 Oct 10 2010

dude, you need to start looking for another Job.



don't quit this one...just start.looking.now.



oh, and btw....take this from someone way older than you who hails from that Industry...drugs, sex, immaturity will follow you no matter how many "stars" the Place has or how $$$ it is; it is what it is, it attracts a certain Type (not suggesting you're that Type yourself).





i can't tell you how many times people had sex, did drugs, got roaring drunk, all at the joints i worked at (not that i care to reveal if i did any of the above, heh)....that being said...uhm yeah...expect it.





sorry man.





*shrugs*

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PandorasBx
03:59 Oct 10 2010

I'm sorry baby, I know that place is a drama zone as well and its hard when something you used to enjoy doing and have had a passion for is polluted by the people you are surrounded by. But remember, at least you have a job when so many do not. You know that you won't always be working there as thats pretty much a given, take a deep breath and just go about your business.

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KattrinaK
22:05 Oct 10 2010

yep, it's like my job too.



it's not a good "fit" for me, but it's a Job and i've begun to prepare to look in earnest to get out of there (i've written the reasons "why" in my journal); i don't believe in having to bully people just to make a living, it conflicts with my ethics.



but, i'll still do my best and do things MY way...treat the Op's with respect, if it gets me fired, then hey now, free Gov't $$$.



*shrugs*

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Distance sucks. What sucks more is when the only thing that seems to entertain is picking at the meat. Keep picking, because all that'll be left one day is bones. In those bones is a lifeless base. I have a habit of saying the worst things at critical moments. I also have a very bad habit of getting angry and writing. When I hear that song I don't just think of my past. But hey now it's you writhing under some faceless pud too. Or even Jason. But I'm able to not get so pissed and jealous that I will eventually let it go. Because it's a small thing.



Then again, I suppose my ability to have been friends with past girlfriends, or intended lovers before I had romance on my mind is my greatest fault. Guess I should have been someone else. Meet, fuck, then date for a while. Break up, wait, rinse and repeat. If it's thinking I'm "inviting trouble." you must think I'm a lot weaker than you claim. You think you're a rebound? Good god, how small do you think I am? I'm in this with all seriousness, I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but don't make it Harder on both of us for every infraction. If you were my rebound, I would have walked away and washed my hands already. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't lose sleep after every moment I know it's me making you sad. I wouldn't be dreaming about you with what little sleep I get. I just wouldn't.



I do, and I am. I am friends with who I'm friends with. I am at an age, where even you said my friends will slowly diminish, so I'm tallying who's going to fade out, and who's going to be able to stick around. I value my friendships, I care about all people. Even those I hate, that is the character of my heart. Im different, I'm me. You fell in love with me, and I fell in love with you. I'm still in love with you, I just wish you'd understand how absurd your absolutist ideas about what I'm thinking, or how I could cheat if that was placed in front of me are.



My set, is that which changes like water. Nothing is certain, but flow against the currents when you must, ride them when you can. Then, you will build a future that is yours. Please I don't want to build it alone. I want you with me. I'm really trying to work on myself, but it's not all me. And I seriously wonder, are you willing to build something different.

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PandorasBx
19:18 Oct 06 2010

Wow, just wow :(

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KattrinaK
03:30 Oct 10 2010

O.o

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For speed and comfort, between 2 and 5 are the worst times to go to a coffee shop for some wifi and relaxation. Though after making my purchase and setting my stuff down I'm looking for an outlet to plug in the ac for my laptop. Three people were blocking all outlets where seating was available. Not till after I moved to a way less comfortable area did these inconsiderate asshats move away from the outlets and vacate their seats. It wasn't subtle that I pulled out a laptop and ac adapter. What happened to courtesy, and manners?

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PandorasBx
00:41 Oct 05 2010

Was there ever courtesy and manners? lol....perhaps in earlier generations certainly lacking in the current.

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Requiem
12:38 Oct 05 2010

They mostly went the way of the dodo, kilt-kid, unfortunately. They are still feebly breathing in fits and starts, sometimes in startling places, though.



I say we start a courtesy movement! And a Manners Marathon!

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xxEmaeraldxx
19:02 Oct 06 2010

Manners... eer, isn't that obsolete nowadays? You don't have to go far to see prime examples of bad manners.. just look through the journal lists for a start!

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Imagine not a man who wears his heart on his sleeve but instead pieces on his fingers. Waiting for someone worthwhile to connect them back together. Not for anyone, but someone extraordinary. You are that person, you arouse a lot more than my loins. I think of the future, I want to plan. I haven't done that with anyone for years. Truly, I look forward to a future with you. I just wish you'd stop looking to my past as a means of escape and withdrawal. I am in love with you. But when it comes to fight or flight, I'm standing my ground. Won't you come back to have it out?

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Morphine
04:22 Oct 02 2010

wow....

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PandorasBx
17:53 Oct 02 2010

I love you too...

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xxEmaeraldxx
19:44 Oct 04 2010

There you go babe! What more does a girl need?? :) He found the Queen of Hearts in you Pandy.. but Gawd help him if his fingers ever get trapped inbetween the keys on the keyboard!!

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No, you're just caught up on the past. I'm doing my best to leave it there. Learn what i can, and progress towards better things.



I love you without ultimatum and requirments. Perhaps i'm a fool for being so open about things that happen. Perhaps I should have cause to hold myself back since you seem to be full of deal breakers. Things that I have to change about myself, yet I require you to change nothing. You say you love me as I am, but then act to the contrary. You have the audacity to say my words are cheapened? I have a huge heart. So yes, I once allowed myself to love quite a few people in such a short time. I've grown since then, made decisions that help protect my heart and mind. I let you into my life, continue to let you into my mind and show you love.



I am not your lesser. Remember that. My words aren't cheap. They come from the honest and purest parts of my soul. That hurt, and I do want you to mull this over while I'm at work.



I in no way want this to be over so don't think that route from my words.