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I can't get my mood right.

Where are my jokes?

Where are the smiles.

Gone, deep inside to hybernate.



To decipher the grey, seperating the light and darkest parts of me. These images in my mind, these thoughts. Wrack my mind with pain as I fall to my knees. Begging for an end, can I think something good of myself for once? Just this once?! Smile, and laugh, play and make others know how great they are...thats what I do...but why do I not find happiness? There is her, she brings me happiness, and I love her, but..I constantly fear...she wont' love me.



Its weeks away, tearing my mind apart, will she know? Will she feel the way I do? Will it be like all the other times? I can't handle anymore heartbreak.....I just want to truly go poof and be gone....

He bought you a shiney ring, oo how nice.

Oh he sounds like he was plotting about something else? Hmm perhaps that engagement ring. Why are you telling me this? The man who contemplated, discussed, and planned marriage with you?!



Secrets, more fucking secrets.

a month without a phone call, two more weeks and you were in a car accident...and you couldn't call me?



Keep smoking and you'll be dead by 30? Wow, great to know. All things you knew while we were together..but neglected to tell me. FUCK why do I bother?!



As an ex should I be privy to all the information a current shouldn't? I thought the current is supposed to know everything. ...thought wrong.

You're playing this game.

Playing on my weakness.

You've brought me to my knees,

this brink of hate and love.



I beg you for friendship, as I break your heart.

I didn't know I had you like that.

You didn't let me know,

Now you push me away with hurt.

I'm done with it. I'm sick of this internet bullshit.

I have my friends, I have interesting people that I talk to. But i'm sick of covens and their drama. I'm sick of games and people discovering new ways to cheat.



I'm not earning anymore favor. I'm not getting involved in anyones fucked up relationships.



Maybe I've found someone I can just talk to, and can be a friend. Or maybe she'll stab me in the back I don't know. But damned if I won't at least try.

In this struggle, over my heart.

I've lost you, deep in the shadow.

My shallow mind, it won't acknowledge,

the love I have, the pain I feel.



I still love you so deeply,

But I feel its lost.

My angel, Nimuie, the change is too great.

I need an anchor, but you fly higher than me.



You soar beautifully, but how will you land?

I can't be the one to pull you down.

I'm far too high myself, these dreams we dream.

Our heads in the clouds, hearts on our sleeves.



I did not deserve your heart, love you gave,

only for my remorseful betrayal you perfect soul.

My own uncertainties destroy our love.

Now you smile, with tears behind those eyes.



I'll hold your hand, through everything.

Carry you when things are their hardest,

But please don't take me back.

I'll love you, and destroy the shattered remains.



I still love you, more than i'll love another.

...My Nimuie

I will charm you,

Make you smile and laugh.

Give you hope and love.

Then, tear them from you.



For I am not this prince you want me to be.

I am not here to be loved, but to give love.

The love of friendship, but nothing further.

Because I am here in my obstacle filled life,

You on another end of this country, this world.



My smile and wit will take me far,

Though they cannot take me to you.

Thus is my pain and price.

Begging forgiveness for hurting you.



Trust me, Speak to me, smile and laugh with me.

But please, do not fall for this facade.

There is a world I've hidden from you,

A place filled with torment and suffering.



All caused by my blood stained hands,

But they don't tear the skin, No, that is left to my razor tongue and its quickly formed words. Cutting, piercing till they reach your heart.



Mezmerized by the goodness of my soul, the evil lay hidden until I have a grasp upon your fragile heart. Then I shall tell you all the evil i've done, let you in on my secrets while you gasp for your last breaths. Expierence hell for your last moments. Thus is the monster I am, who I try to control and tame, yet like a trap for myself I fall victim to it as do you.



Forgive me, I was not worthy, I am not worthy, I shall hide under a mask again...till another is sprung in my trap....damn this soul, my soul.