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never quite understood, I've layed it out but no one wants to read on the lines anymore. Everyone thinks there is a hidden agenda and no reason to trust. So why do I keep giving mine? I just wanted to understand, I still want to but I'm just so tired of fighting for friendships and more.



"I'd die to win, cause i'm born to loose." seems so true whenever I reflect on things. How many goddamned times do I have to prove my sincerity, my heartfelt feelings before they are taken as they are. There and true, no underlying motives and no secret ambitions.



I'm always putting myself down because you..the people I call friends, the people I want to be friends, and even the people I admire but know not who I am constantly view my words and actions as lies and false ambitions. I keep hope every day through everything but at the end of the night i'm still alone, i'm still sad, and I still gotta struggle just to actually get my ass out of bed in the morning. I am sick of the fight for something better, when based on my adolescent idiotic choices I can have no life beyond what I have now, based on the words and choices of both an ex and myself I will be most likely working two jobs till my body is more broken and worn than the docks of old town.



i'm so sick of suppressing all of these sinful devices in the name of humility. am I better than some people...fuck yes I am, am I more intelligent no doubt, am I more capable and have more common sense than most people to do the jobs they do...no question and every day I smile and nod and let them do what they do with their fucking attitudes and work to get to the point where my need for ego and haughty words will cease and it won't fucking come. Do I really have to just start shitting on other people to get what I want? Do I have to be this asshole that women don't have the self respect to tell to piss off? What the fuck is it? What is it about being decent, kind and fucking caring that just says to people that its okay to piss on me and tell me to use my shirt as a towel?







I am sick of mankind...i'm sick of life, but have no choice to keep on living because I have no right to take my life when others struggle so much more, and have so much less. There is no more blame, only actions to be made.

COMMENTS

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Sapphire
16:01 Jan 16 2008

It's all in perception, R.





Nice guys may finish last...but they usually finish best.



I of all people know what it's like to try and be a good person and still have to swim through seas of shit.





Just keep your head up and keep swimming forward. Keep being you. Keep being real. Keep trying to do the right thing. You'll see. Eventually it will get easier...and you'll look back and wonder how you made it through..but you'll make it through..and you'll not only be proud of yourself for it..but you'll have grown a bit as a person.



That's a much better option than turning into someone you detest...or ending the struggle. The struggle is WORTH IT for what you gain in the end.

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POST COMMENT

To know, to understand why the people I come across are so fucking broken. Or perhaps its just me maybe i'm so fucked up I actually think other people are more insane. Right, i'm smart enough to know three things. 1. I am an asshole. 2. I'm a good person. 3. I try not to go nucking futs on my friends unless they just are being too damn stubborn.



I just don't get it, the person I care about I barely talk to now. And the people who I am realizing I should just be without keep popping up and going off on me. give me a gun, a knife, a fucking claymore and a license to maim please. I will just make it an eight hour maiming spree.

Why is it that when you are the realist, the opinionated, not so optimistic friend when a friend is working on a life changing decision you suddenly become a condecending asshole who is biased and only pulls words out of your ass when it comes to their situation?



Why is it that suddenly its disrespectful to raise your voice when you are constantly being interupted when you just want to get your point across and say what you want and feel the need to say and then politely wait for the goddamned rebuttle?



Friendship is about supporting eachother, supporting one anothers decisions and having fun......BULLSHIT, its about being able to get in eachothers face when the occasion arises and letting eachother know when we've been in similar situations and to be wary and not let your heart rule every decision you are about to make. Its about making fun of your friend for doing something incredibly insane or stupid and not letting them live it down till they learned their lesson. About listening, giving honest opinions and sometimes tough love. And when the good times do come, just letting them roll and living it up when you can. But goddammit if friends can't be assholes, or just a bit more opinionated than the drugged up drones you call your closest friends than you don't deserve real friends like me. You can't just let everything go all the time, let friends make small mistakes sure, but when you honestly don't feel something is right don't just let them slide call em on it and if you fight, then you fight and if you are good enough friends you'll get through it anyway. If you don't, then one of you didn't deserve the other in the first place.



I'm done, earn my trust, earn my friendship, i'm not giving this shit away.

Turning, beliving without belief, changing myself without reason. I've no good thought as to why I am the way I am now. Why i've become someone different. It was nice to hold someone...for a moment, and then it became nothing. There was no smile upon my face, no comfort in my soul. I care about this friend, as just that a friend and nothing more.



Again my being, to make someone smile, and have faith in themself once more. It seems to be what I do, yet if I hurt her by not caring about her the same way that she may have already come to care about me would it be for naught.



Why am I able to allow myself to lust enough to possibly damage a friendship, but not go through with anything physically serious. Looking inside myself I can't figure out what it is. If I fear, or if I know the answer already just am reluctant to see it myself.



And out of all of this, the worst is, I love someone dearly, yet cannot be with her. Not now, at an undetermined point in time at an unknown location in the hopes of us both so I keep telling myself.



Oh how we who hold such high standards and rules for ourselves find ourselves far from that narrow path we wanted to walk down.



I find myself beyond that fork in the road frost so often talked about, down the beaten path now instead of the one covered with leaves and brush. Perhaps I"ll run across the high grass through whatever unknown inbetween to get there. For this path isn't looking so great anymore, and its a waste of time to backtrack.

So I'll just make a small path of my own, a little tributary that will run into that offbeaten path till i'm satisfied and happy again.



Forgive me my friends, i'm back again in this mind where I should be.