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I sometimes try way too hard to someone I'm not for another person. I either manage to screw it up or it eats away at me. Either way, the most negative things about my personality rise to the surface.



When I'm just me and freely being myself without worry of ridicule, I'm like a shining star. I can make you laugh at just the right time, simply put a smile on your face or be the absolute best friend. I enjoy being myself.



Far too often I let negativity get the best of me. I crumble, devolve, feel sorry for myself, blame others, feel sorry for myself some more and eventually pick myself back up but not before taking someone down. I hope with some more help and my own dedication that I find ways to keep this under control. I like being myself and it feels good...kind of like today.

Let's start with the fun one...have a bowel movement for crying out loud...oh, I know you were just dying to see have a bowel movement. Yes...but don't take laxatives...drink prune juice, eat oranges, have maybe some bread or soup. Start slowly....work your way back to normal eating and normal...bowel movements. Causes...possibly something I ate last week, maybe a virus going around or ta da stress...sounds familiar to me...a similar thing happened a year or so ago when I hated my job and topped with the strife at home, I found myself in the most unimaginable pain...I have a pretty high tolerance of pain but this was horrific...doc thought it was appendicitis...everything checked out normal...just like it did today...



Doc #2....surprise, you're suffering from depression....low self esteem-check, blaming others-check, lashing out-check, crying-check, sadness-check, irritable-check, change in appetite-check, no sex drive-check, thoughts of suicide-not so fast...too much left to prove to just end it all. Though I hear men are four times more likely to commit suicide...oh how fun.



Awe...can't end this on a sad note that would just be boo...~shrugs~I've got nothing but you may be glad to know that prune juice is really, I mean really, gross. Thanks Doc...I'm going to enjoy this little diet.

Private entries...hate 'em. I like digging around other people's thoughts and every once in a while I get shutout by the private entry. So...I've got one below. Just one. It could say anything...could be talking about you...probably not...but you never know. I'm sneaky like that. Though I randomly wish the music continued while in the journals...maybe I can do something about that...don't know.

It's time for me to move on...I'm closing up shop. A journey in solitude awaits me. Old bonds and even new bonds will be difficult to break. I will miss them but it's time for this lonely soul to stop feeling sorry for himself. I've been reignited and I'm heading for orbit...burning through the night sky. Where my path leads...well that's the beauty of the journey...you never know. If you look closely enough, tributes to those who made a difference will be scattered in the things I do...maybe it'll only mean something to me...after all I'm really not that special...but they'll be there if you happen to catch one.

ugh...that's how I feel. It's a simple as can be...ugh. What a freaking emotional rollcoaster this week has been. I'm sure I'm not the only one so these next few drinks will be for you...it's going to be an early night for me. I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday morning. At least I'll be doing all the drinking at home. Last time I was out in the city, I was told (because I really don't remember) that I was that guy...you know, the one who's a little too loud, decides every surface available is a dance floor and tells really bad jokes. Oh not to mention the bad Scottish accent. For those that know me...it's kinda hard to believe until you see it just once. Not saying I'm proud of it...but it is a sight to at least laugh at....what a dumb ass.



Hmmm...what else am I feeling....oh that's right...lonely. I'm not in love and hating it. For as long as I can remember, I just wanted to be in love and love someone. Thought I had it but it turns out that I don't. Maybe I just have a foolish heart. It's such a tricky thing and I feel foolish for pouring my heart and soul into something only to be burned again...and again...and again. I thought this time would be different...turns out I was fucking wrong about that...oops I said fucking...there will be none of that...come to think of it....hasn't been for quite some time. Though I only have myself to blame for that....I just have had no desire to.



I'm scared that this overwhelming desire for love will be misplaced again...causing more pain...more self inflicted suffering...more times of crying when no one is looking...I'm scared that when I finally move on that I will let someone in who I'll mistake for that one I'm searching for. I've done it before so what's stopping it from crushing me again. I'm not looking for a particular type...I don't have a type...I feel like I will know when I know....lightning will strike or maybe I find her right under my nose...though, I thought that once and left a trail of tears from Washington, thru Idaho, Montana, N.Dakota, Minnesota and by the time I got to Wisconsin I think I was too warn out.



I think I'm going to regret putting all this down...I don't really care tonight. perhaps that moment of bliss was just fleeting...poof...vanished...gone without a trace. Give me a keyboard and a blank screen and I’ll type a bunch of nonsense…complete crap…downright whininess…hmmm wine…I think I have some. Ooops, I going to hit the submit button.

Something unexpected happen this morning…a surprise call from two special people. Just to be clear, they did about 99.9% of the talking. Saying I’m shy is a massive understatement especially if it’s the first time that I’ve ever talked to you. The point of this is not my social awkwardness, it’s that simple call made a difference in my day (I know, I’m easy). I’ve been smiling all morning long, the morning sun felt wonderful and I made it to work in record time. Most importantly, I forgot about my pain and while it’s not going to go away anytime soon, it can’t wipe this smile off my face. I’d write them a poem but I’m not a poet so a story will have to do. It may take some time but I have a lot of the base work done. I was afraid of writing it because the one person who sees my work might be upset and quite furious that it’s not about her…that it’s for someone else. I don’t know who this someone else is, where she is, if our paths crossed at some point or not…it’s my message in a bottle. You two gave me strength today.

I was having one of those mornings again...lost in thought...unaware of where I was or where I was going. About the only attention I gave to the world was where the other drivers were in relation to me. I cruised on past my exit...didn't even know it until about four exit later. I just wanted to keep on driving...no particular destination...just drive, think, drive and see where the road leads...maybe one day I won't stop and turn around...

Ever feel that pull towards a certain area? Feel like someone drove a thumper in the ground and with ever pulse, you're drawn to that area? That's how I feel towards Seattle. Granted that I lived on Fort Lewis which isn't technically Seattle but it's close enough. I felt at peace there. I spent my weekends in Seattle and just about everywhere else in Washington...oh and the occassional trips across the boarder into Vancouver...love that city as well.



Don't get me wrong...I like where I'm at...the whole Washington DC area is nice. There's quite a bit to do around here but I feel like something is missing. I love the rain, that constant mist. I remember my first two weeks and thinking to myself...what rain, it's so clear I can see Mount Rainer (which by the way is a beautiful site)...then for the next month or so it rained. I think everytime we put the kevlar on...it rained. But I never complained...I always kept an umbrella close as I ventured out.



I think I will always want to go back. I've been back for a few visits but it always seems too short. I hate making that trip back to SeaTac and then boarding the plane.



I had the best two years of my life in Seattle...hopefully one day I will find my way back.

When I first discovered Sephera, I did not know what to expect. She intrigued me and quickly grabbed my attention. I struggled to ignore her. I cut through back alleys as she stalked me during my nightly walks in desparate attempts to lose her. Not once could I shake her.



Even when I'd give some dear friends attention or approached the unknown hero, she pulled me away. She haunts me. She will not leave nor stop until her story is told. I fear I cannot do her justice but I will attempt to fill the blank pages with her story.



Sephera has lived for thousands of years. She is a hunter and a Guardian of the Elders. She has had one love, who has come and gone in many human forms. This love has awakened a knowledge of the cycle of life which she can never complete. Where this dark road leads, I do not know but I hope to tell her tale when I return.