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I don't know what to do.



When he's around, he makes me soo happy. And when he's gone...it's like a void I can't seem to fill. When he makes me feel invisible, I cry. I'm so afraid someone will come to me and tell me all the things he's done, the lies he's told...I'm afraid. I can still see it, as if it was just yesterday, the way it felt...he lied. He cheated.

Not to mention the proposal was just a bunch of bullshit. Sometimes I envy other people getting bound and married because I was so close. So close and he had to mess up. To fuck up.



Scari is engaged. Nikki just got bound. Volt is married. Khja has his fairy tale romance. And I get...Staziker.



Will he ever change? Does he mean it this time? Am I going to be making another mistake? Am I stupid to believe him once more? Can I love him enough to forgive and forget? So many questions.



When I looked at him...I couldn't say no. I couldn't leave him. Those tears of his always breaks my heart even more than he's damaged it. And yet, is it worth it? Most days I'm miserable...why am I miserable? I want to be happy and I am...when he's around and lucid. Am I going to wait forever for him...? I don't know. Some days I think he's not worth all the tears and doubts...some days. Other days, he makes me forget the pain: He holds me, loves me, and can be so sweet. I fall under his spell and forget. I lose and am dragged under...how can I fight this unfair battle?

When he's not around, everything seems so cold and clear. But once he shows up, my feelings get in the way and my heart takes over, still un-beating. It's so unfair.



[Will continue later.]