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But it was only fantasy.

The wall was too high,

As you can see.

No matter how he tried,

He could not break free.

And the worms ate into his brain.





* I feel like all I do is in vain, because there is nothing to obtain but the friendship of others. SilverFangs don't take this the wrong way, I mean every one but u and trills... I do not find much love for others, and there's not any for myself. I keep happy by taking almost anything I can get my hands on, I said almost I don't touch needles ... or have only been desperate enough once. Drugs to keep someone happy, hey that sounds like the average American and I am discussed at the fact that we need drugs. Yet, not enough to stop. Well, there's my soul searching for today. Good night, maybe my dreams will hold what life does not.

On March 9th Soulfly (http://www.soulfly.com/4-Max.html ) came to town and we won tix from a local radio station. We got there in time to see the last few GODFORBID songs and I see this man, the top of his head came to the bottom of my breasts... I'm 5'11... he was short with blond dreads that hit the floor ... he was seriously into the music... I was kindda freaked out until I realized he was trolling (Tripping and Rollin)... I think that he was just as much internment as the show.

And if your out there Max, I love you.

I don't know that I believe in love. At one point I belived in love at first sight, but that went up in smoke along time ago, after that was soul mates. Lust is what that all is known as. or hate its all the same feeling.

Ben and Jerrys top ten flavors.

1. Cherry Carcia

2. Chocolate chip cookie dough

3. Chunky Monkey

4. Chocolate Fudge brownie

5. HAlf Baked

6. Phish Food

7.Cherry Garcia (frozen yogurt)

8. New York super fudge chunk

9. Peanut butter cup

10. Vanilla

Hummanity is going "out the window" I can't explain it yet I am so afraid of the future, not so much time or age it's people. How much of myself will I loose along the way? Were told we find ourselves as we get older but I think its the other way around, the more we see and experiance the more we loose and it can never be taken back. I also dislike Guns, if you can't kill some one like we were ment to kill( in war), up close and personal. Like driving a knife or sword in to a man or woman threw them. To pull a trigger almost seems like taking the easy way out, almost no force needed, just bang.

I feel like I am at war with myself and no one can help me. I have times of great thought and hate myself more and more. Yet I always seem to be able to put on a happy face and be the cheerfully (mommy) so to speak the care taker for all whom can't take care of themselves. Ironically I can't be on my own, or alone. I world shrivel up and die if I were left alone. the act will stop one day and no one will like what I have to say. Until then the game goes on.

Today I relized, the thing I want in life. I want a man, a real man. That wears more make up then I do. To me that's just hot!!!!!!! The peacefulness has all been washed away. Life has let me go I couldn't keep up with the world sober. Dependancy is the last thing I need.

Profound things... What is this life and what comes next, I feel sorry for some of the christians I see, but I envey there total faith. I watched ten comandments the other day when I was fucked up and had amazing thoughts about god and shit but what ever.