To Have or Have Not – Thoughts on Potentially Becoming a Father
22:54 Aug 04 2006
Times Read: 601
Disclaimer – the opinions expressed here are solely my own and quite frankly from my gut based on what I’ve read to help focus and work through my own personal concerns based on my own personal situation. As such, the language is less “inclusive” than many things I write because I’m speaking about my own personal life. My views and choice of language are therefore not meant to demean, offend, single out, or cast judgment on any individual or anyone’s chosen path in life – and when I use the word “you” in the text, it’s a hypothetical third person – not the author or reader.
When you look at the statistics out there, having a baby seems like a really bad idea. Study after study has shown that overall marital satisfaction drops precipitously after the birth of a first child and on average doesn’t recover. The divorce rate among couples spikes 18 months to two years after the birth of a child (typically the first). As my wife and I enter into discussions about whether or not to have a child – these issues weigh heavily upon me. So I’ve tackled the issue the way that I’ve tackled many issues in my life – I read, I research, I seek answers from those who have gone before so I can hopefully emulate their successes and avoid their pitfalls.
As with any guy in my situation, I’ve got a lot of emotions about the subject of bringing a life into this world. My wife and I are older than many facing this subject (mid-30’s) and have been married longer (over 10 years), but as far as I can tell many of the questions and concerns are universal. Honestly my biggest concerns lie not with the pregnancy, or doing my part around the home, or taking proper care of a baby – but rather how the addition of a third individual into our family will impact my relationship with my wife.
Part of that concern goes back to my own upbringing. In many ways I was raised in a very “traditional” home. My mom was at home with me (and later me and my sister) and my dad worked outside the home to pay the bills. My mom and dad seemed to care about each other, but as time went on, never seemed to be as close as they should. Dad worked a lot – for part of the year 7 days a week. A couple of years ago my parents divorced amid many issues, but it was a marriage that had been dead for years. My dad traced everything back to “the birth of his first child” – which I interpret not so much as a slam against me (I was a fairly passive and involuntary participant at that point!) as a commentary on my mom and dad’s ability to maintain their relationship and intimacy past childbirth.
The number one pitfall that many experts cite is that the birth of a child does not make a weak marriage strong – in fact it splinters many weak marriages. Those it doesn’t splinter it strains to the point of reducing the marriage to individuals living under one roof nominally looking after one or more children. Fortunately my wife and I don’t fall into that category. We’re starting with what I see as a strong and healthy relationship. We aren’t looking at a baby as something to “bind us together”. The key for me is ensuring that the baby doesn’t become a wedge between us, but rather a life that we can both nurture, teach, and participate in his or her growth as a human being.
Another pitfall many experts cite is one of prioritization. In America especially, we tend to “put the baby first”. For many women, that frequently leads to a priority hierarchy that looks something like this: baby, sleep, work (inside or outside the home), marriage. There’s a tendency for the father to become remote and estranged at this time as the mother and father aren’t communicating anymore. Without communication there is no intimacy, and without intimacy there is no relationship – just two people passing in the night.
Some of the experts I’ve read have some good advice on this subject. Simply put, you’re not really putting your child “first” if you put your partner somewhere down the list. You’re spending more time with the child, and responding to the child’s immediate needs, but you’re not actually creating a warm and healthy home environment for the child long-term. Essentially both the baby and the relationship have to be full time commitments – for both individuals.
The question is how to have more than one #1 commitment and stay sane. How does one find that equitable split between meeting the needs of the baby as father and mother, and meeting each other’s needs as husband and wife? Throw in a healthy does of hormones, post partum depression, feedings every two hours, not nearly enough sleep, and honestly it seems to be a recipe for disaster. My wife seems less concerned about these questions than I do, but of course, her parents were in many ways the counterpoint to my own. They were a couple that found a way to stay madly in love through two children (oh yeah, and her mom entered the relationship with FOUR from a previous marriage). Unfortunately at this point I have to file this one as an “open concern” that I haven’t resolved.
Experts also cite things like the father stepping back and letting the mother take the lead in child care and child rearing for various reasons. Some guys think it’s not macho, some mom’s (and dad’s) think that men are incapable of nurturing a child, some men never wanted the child in the first place, and some guys would like to, but just don’t know how. Again, this is an area I USED to have a lot of concern over, but now I don’t – and honestly it’s that greater degree of confidence in this area that led my wife and I down this path.
No, I don’t have a lot of experience with newborns, but I do have a lot of experience in animal husbandry. I have some good female friends that I confide in and talk to, and when this issue came up they pretty much set me straight. One said “if you can train a horse, you can raise a kid – it’s the same basic skill set.” Sure, I’ve got a lot to learn (who doesn’t!), but it’s not one of those big scary black voids of unknown for me at this point.
So this is where I stand. Right now I’m definitely leaning in the “to have” rather than the “to have not” direction. Given our age and finances, my wife and I are taking it slowly but deliberately at this point. We know we only have a certain window of opportunity, so we’re doing all of our homework and soul searching up front. This puts us ahead of many as this will truly be a joint decision, rather than a decision made by one party and the other party forced to tag along.
We won’t make a decision until early next year (after various doctors appointments, etc.). She really wants to be at home with a baby, so we have to get our finances to a point where she won’t have to work outside the home. I want to make sure I have at least four weeks at home after the birth of the baby to acclimate as well, and then there’s still that “open issue”. I know my wife and I will be spending a LOT of time talking about that issue before we ever get pregnant…
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