Why Germany??07:57 Jun 27 2006
Times Read: 752
I wasted 7 years with the wrong man...well, probably more than that, but specifically, the years from 98-05, seeing as how I left Ben a year ago.
Why I had to say all those nasty, stupid and retarded things to Timothy that spring, I'll never understand. And why he listened to his friends instead of his heart, well, I wonder if I'll ever have that answer as well.
After not seeing or speaking to one anothr for 2 years prior, he calls...My sister took a message and when I came home, I returned his call, puzzled as to why, after so much time had passed, he would be calling. Within the first 2 minutes of our conversation, "Will you marry me?" comes out of his mouth. My jaw dropped to the floor. Of course, my answer is yes, even after all this time. After all, Tim is the love of my life. I'll never love anyone like I love him. I knew this at the tender age of 16, and this the spring of '98, at 22 its all coming back...Now, in the spring of 2006, at 30, I'm realizing all of my mistakes, and the following changed my life forever...Maybe so much that I can't make up for it.
To my dismay, Tim is in the USAF and stationed at LRAFB, and I'm in KS. There's no way for us to see each other, so we continue our phone romance. He's thinking he's got the same girl he's loved for so long...cute, thin, sexy, intelligent, sassy, strong. He soon finds out I've done a lot of things that are extremely regrettable, though he seems to put that aside in his mind and tell me we'll get through it. Unfortunately, my mouth won't allow it.
In my head, I'm so screwed up. I've gone through alot since we broke up 4 years ago, but mostly in the past 2 years since we'd spoken last. I had moved several times, lived with drug dealers, become a cocaine addict, been an escort, and had an extremely timultuous relationship with the wrong man who proceeded to rip my heart from my chest on a daily basis. I had lost everything and aligned myself with the wrong people.
When I speak to him, I say the most horrible things. I lie like I've never lied b4, and say things that I know will turn him away from me and hurt him. And maybe I gave him too much of the truth as well. To this day, I have no idea why I did this.
He tells me that he's been telling his friends about us, specifically our conversations of late, and asking their advice. He says they are telling hm to let me go and get over me. Of course, I make somekind of jackass, blaze' remark. We speak a few more times, and all of a sudden, his calls stop.
A few months later, I move in with Ben. 2000 comes, I'm pregnant and we get married. 2001, Xandra is born. Spring 2005, I leave Ben a few days after my grandfather's death. Which brings us to present day.
There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about Tim. I wholeheartedly regret the things I said to him that spring. Why couldn't I just give him my heart the way I wanted to? Perhaps I was just too jaded at the time, or maybe I'm just a bitch.
There have been several times that I've looked for Timothy in the past 8 years. Never having any luck, of course. But I decided to try my luck again this spring. I ended up finding out he's still in the USAF and stationed in Germany. Unfortunately, thats all I know. No address, no email. I have nothing except the knowledge of a country...
WHY GERMANY?
COMMENTS
-