The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

In my short life of 30 years, I have lost many. Almost all of the most meaningful people in my life have gone now. Most of them dead, some just gone.



My greatest losses started in early childhood. At the tender age of 3, I lost my maternal grandfather. This man was my life, my world, my best friend, yet I was not allowed to attend his funeral. My mother thought it was best at the time. Over the years, she has seen the error of her ways, as I have no closuer with this terrible happening. He went into the hospital to have a benign tumor removed from his lung and he never left. I remember visiting him before surgery and he assured me that everything would be fine. He was wrong. The old piece of shit surgeon FUCKED UP! He killed my grandfather. I'm still pissed at my family for not taking legal action, as they had every right and opportunity. I'm not sure that he would still be here today if he'd survived, but I know I would have had more time with him.



My fabulous cousin Danny. He died in 1984, when I was 9 years old. A tragic drunk driving accident took his life. It really too bad that the drunk driver was his best friend and Danny had chosen to be his passenger. The wreck threw him into the front seat, and back to the back again. His spleen was severed in 2. This was very hard on me, as I had a vision of this at the very same time it was happening...I was sleeping and it woke me. I haven't had any true visions since. It could be that my subconscious is blocking them, fearing the worst.



My wonderful Uncle Pitiful(Brandy), who just happens to be Danny's grandfather: I gave him this nickname as a small child. We always teased each other and pretended not to like one another, both of us knowing how fond of the other we were. He got very sick suddenly, then he was just gone.



My best friend Julie: I was 16 and my daughter was not quite 2 months old. I had been at home all day, not feeling well. Sometime after 6pm, I got a phone call from my friend JoAnn. I could tell something was wrong by the tone in her voice. She very quietly told me to sit down, then she broke the news and the phone dropped out of my hand. I had no words, no thoughts, yet somehow I managed to mumble"Come get me!" Ilater learned that there had been some question as to who would break the news to me. There was a very large group of ppl, her brother included, who all said "Not me. I can't." I managed to break the news to my parents, who were devastated as well. They loved "Jewels", as she was fondly known to some. After all, we met at the age of 5 and even though she was not Catholic, she begged her father to pay for her to go to my school so she could be near me. Thank god he agreed. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. Sometimes I feel like she would still be here if only we hadn't been in some huge fight over something I've since forgotten. I know its not for me to blame myself, but its hard not to. Her death was declared "Accidental", though we do not know if it truely was or not. She had epilepsy and decided to take a bunch of prescription pills one Saturday night...They reacted badly with her epilepsy meds and killed her. Sunday mrning, her brother found her, still dressed, in her bed. It was obvious she'd had a major seizure before passing. For the next week, I couldn't go to school, nor could I go home for longer than a clothes change. My mother understood this and kept Desiree for me. I spent most of my time at Julie's house with her father and brother. When we weren't there, we were going to services or hanging out in her favorite places. I will never get over the loss of my best friend. There are a few whom I have called best friend since, but none so close as Jewels...I miss you terribly.



My maternal grandmother: In October of 1996, I lost my grandmother, to a fucking psychtic alsheimer patient. Thats right, folks. My grandmother was murdered in a fucking nursing home. Of course, that fucking piece of shit nursing home neglected to tell us at first. So its a Thursday night and I went to my mother's for something or other. She's crying her eyes out. She gives me the news that my grandmother has died. I'm taking it quite well, after all, I haven't seen her in probably a year, even though she was 20 minutes away. But there are reasons for that, mostly selfish ones. I was close to her my whole life. I spent more time with her growing up than any other family member. I feel bad that my sisters and my children don't have my memories of her. Anyway...She had alzheimers. It broke my heart. She didn't know me, she didn't know her baby great grand daughter, Desiree', and never would.

After she went to the home, I saw her several times all without my precious Desi. I finally decided it was time to take her. Bad idea. I was 18 and Desi was 2 and 1/2. My grandmother, being very confused in the medical state she personafied, called me Teresa. This she had never done. Teresa is my mother. I had introduced her to to Desiree and explained that she was mine and I was Amanda. She didn't understand a word I said. I was Teresa to her and my daughter, well, she was my dead brother Scott.

I stayed and finished my visit, but I barely made it into the parking lot before breakin down. I just couldn't comprehend this reality.

Back to the death story...So its now Friday night, my good friends are getting married. My g-ma died the day b4, but I'm going to the wedding anyway. My on and off boyfriend(who I stupidly married 4 years later, who will now be referred to as 'the idiot') is being an ass and decides he's not going to go see his best friend get married. He tells me he's sorry about my g-ma. Wedding was great...Reception was even better, mainly cuz I don't remember much of it. I probably drank more that night than I ever have. I'm lucky to be alive cuz I drove myself home, though I don't know how. The next evening is a friends anniversary. Party is in a public bar and I waited for the idiot to show up...He never did...Called my parents house and my mother broke the news that "upon further investigation", the dumb fucks at the home had discovered that my grandmother was murdered by a fellow patient...I fuckin lost it. I drove around to find the idiot cuz I needed him more than I'd ever needed anyone. Finally found his dumbass at a mutual friends house partying it up. Some of the guys were outside and invited me in. So I go in and find the idiot, but he's gettin fucked up. So I tell him what I just found out and I'm trembling big time. He tells me to leave Exact quote,"You're cutting into my beer time. You need to leave!" Fuckin prick. What was I thinking? So I went to my shitty little "garden level" apartment and bawled my eyes out...somehow ended up in the bathroom with a scalple in my hand. Went to cut, but nothing was happening Just barely breaking the skin...So I throw my right hand in the air(the one holding the scalple) and came down onto my left forearm with a vengence. Bad idea...Cut all the way to the bone. Blood is spilling everywhere. Wrapped it up in a towel and got in the car. Drove to the nearest friends house, though I'm not sure how I made it. Banged on the door and got someone to take me to the hospital. Thank gawd I had a friend that lived so close. If I hadn't, I don't know what would have happened. Stupid ER fucks wanted me to do a psych consult. If you're over 18 and want to know how I got out of it, msg me and ask.

I didn't want to die, and I had been cut free for about 2 and 1/2 years. I just needed that release. I haven't cut since.

All of that just consumed me. That was the hardest death for me to take. And just like when my maternal g-pa died(her husband), my stupid fuckin family refused to take any action. How could they???? Had I known at the time that I could have brought on a lawsuit, it would have been on.



more to come...

Today is the perfect day. There is no sun to be seen. It's about 68 outside and beautifully gloomy. Slightly dark and it could rain...again. There is just the slightest whisper of fog. The weather is fabulous. If everyday were like today, I would be outside much more often. Its warm enough to wear a t-shirt, yet cool enough for long sleeves, crop pants or jeans are both welcomed at this temperature. What a fabulously divine day.

Sometimes people just suck. They tell you something about themselves and you may say something similar about yourself. At that point, they are no longer interrested in speaking to you. Men are especially good at this...Its ok for them to do something, but if a woman does the same thing, its bad. Whats up with the double standards, people of the world?

I live in a small town about 20 miles outside of the Kansas City area. Its aweful. People are very unaccepting here. If you're not just like them, you might as well be dirt or nonexsitant.

The schools are excellent, at least as far as the education offered. However, alot of their rules are horrid.

The kids aren't allowed to have anything distracting on their person. No safety pins on their clothing, no "unnatural" hair colouring, no mohawks or liberty spikes or anything of that nature. No piercings of any nature other than the ears. I feel that some kids are going to be "distracted" no matter what the other kids look like.