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*sigh*



I hate that feeling where you're hungry but can't find what you want...



Starving and nothing satisfies.



Freakin sucks.



I think some of you know what I'm talking about...if anyone is reading this mess.



In other news...I now own a beautiful candelabra. ^_^ I need to get candles that fit it however O_o but its pretty!

I didn't get to write this yesterday....sooooo



I went downtown to check out an eye doctor. While there, waiting to register with the front desk lady, this guy starts randomly talking about hunting to me...Weaponry, sitting and waiting for 'the right one', etc...



Of course I was laughing to myself...



:)

While I had an excellent time in TKD tonight, even came home with someones blood on my uniform...



Our Master told us tonight that he's closing the school. He's looking into new locations but what it comes down to is the heat bill for the winter is too much.



Our school is an old renovated church. The ceiling leaks when it rains, and the isolation sucks. But it is our home. So many students have come through there and I imagined myself testing for my Black Belt there in a few years.



It was hard news for all of us. We've grown there and fell in love with martial arts there. We became more than friends, we were a family. We loved each other and the school.



I hope something happens to change this.



I can't bear the thought of going somewhere else. Having to build new memories in a new building.



No. No. NO.



I may be only a green belt and have trained for only a year...but this past year has changed me so dramatically...



I know its not about the building, but that renovated church was something to us all. It is special. It was the place we could all go when in trouble, depressed, needed anger management, just...anything. It was our second home. IS our second home.



This is just too much. I can't imagine what others are feeling.

So I was out at the gas station, not actually getting gas, just getting a scratch ticket and drink, after work. I was going to pull out in front of an SUV that was a ways back but something said, "Don't to it." Not being one to really argue with intuition, I waited. The SUV came by drifting into the other lane...The driver was texting!!!!! TEXTING!!



Well...thank you intuition. You probably saved me from being rear ended by this crazy person. Or worse. I just hope someone else doesn't get hurt :(

I had this crazy drive to go out tonight I didn't understand until I went outside a little while ago an saw a brilliant harvest moon overhead.



I still want to go out...do something. I'm restless and I know I'm not gonna sleep before work in the morning. So I might as well enjoy the night.



Just what to do...



If the club were closer I'd go alone, but an hour is a long way and I'd rather have company. At least to keep me awake on the drive home. But I can't find anyone who wants to or can go.



GAH.



So wired with nothing to do....



*facekeyboard*



I'm gonna go nuts if I sit still. I'm gonna go run around my house....or something

Tonight at TKD, my Master was talking to us, the 3 students that were there, and he said something rather interesting. We were talking about the future of the school and the possibility of having to move it to a new location due to the growing oil bill in the winter. Eventually it came to him telling us it was going to be a long while before he leaves, long after the 3 of us reach black belt. He looked to me and said almost jokingly but with seriousness (if you can imagine it; it's kind of a common thing with him) "And you'll be the next teacher of the school." I kind of laughed inside because it was something I was really thinking about. I smiled and thought about it, imagining myself as an instructor. I said, "Yeah that would be really neat. I think I'd like that." He nodded and kind of smiled. I think he wants me to kind of take over after him or something. He's said other small things in passing before. Once he'd said how rare it was for a student to bring themselves into the school and stick with it. Which was my story really. I walked myself to the school and haven't really left. I'm always there, eager to learn. I don't complain, even with difficult exercises. I push myself beyond my limits and keep looking to improve everything. It became a passion since I walked into the building.



I think it would be neat. Being a Master, or even just an instructor. I show up about halfway through the previous class (which is the kids class) and I'm usually asked to come in and instruct some of the students in various things. Forms (kata's) or blocking usually. Sometimes I've taught advanced kicks, worked sparring, and our one-steps & take downs.



I feel kind of honored at the thought...that the Master thinks I should become the next teacher or something. I'm still a few years from Black Belt...



Either way. I will stick with it and become Master rank at least.



Yeah. It's been a good night. :)

The last few days...I'm not sure what it is. I just feel like a lightning rod or something. I can barely stand being around people, I feel like my sensitivity to people has been amplified. I feel everything. and its exhausting. And people touching me...GAH...I can't stand it. It's like this giant overload. An electric shock really. I can't explain it. I mean, it's not like bad...well it is and isn't. Part of me wants it, like...i don't know. Like there's a fierceness...attachment... but just this overload at the same time.



My intuition was scarily accurate today. I kept seeing things before they happened, which isn't particularly uncommon for me, but it was just more frequent and rather...just...scary.



Well it is nearing October. The season of souls. Maybe that has some part? I don't know. Hmmmm

COMMENTS

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Oceanne
04:59 Sep 12 2011

Be ready to see more of this.It is happening to millions.The geomagnetics of the earth are changing..and it will affect everyone.Resonance of Earth now is at 12.5,before long,it will hit 13hertz.Be ready for things you have never seen before.

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SoulRayn
16:19 Sep 12 2011

hmm interesting...thank you. I hadn't thought about that at all. I will be ready lol

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POST COMMENT

I wish I saw this coming. I really do. Maybe I wouldn't have lost a friend over it. I wouldn't have lost people I care about.



I don't get it really. Or maybe I do but I don't want to face the truth. I don't know.



I'll light some candles for them anyways.



Maybe time will heal us. Maybe time will guide us back to each others lives.



I will miss her light. I will miss the warm glow of her energy. She lit up my nights.



What it comes down though, is it was my fault.



I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could take back everything I said.



I've never regretted being different so much. If it meant not losing you, I would have never told you. I would have kept my facade.



I meant it when I said I cared for you. I just wish you could have cared the same.



But I've learned my lesson. You've hurt me and I suppose it will save me the pain in the future.



I'll light my candles for you tonight.

What. The. Hell.



I just...



I just don't know wtf is going on anymore.



Fine. Leave me alone.



I don't know why I'm caring. I don't know why I continue to put my heart on my sleeve. Fuck it.



I bare my soul and what do I get.



I just want to hit something. I really do. I have so much anger built up and pain. I want to cry. But like hell that'd happen. I'm too tired to go out to the garage to beat the piss out of my heavy bag.



Maybe tea.



I just can't focus. It hurts too much and I know I'm being pussy about everything.



I just wish I knew what to do besides shut it off an ignore everything. If I can't feel than I can't care.



Better yet, if someone would explain...that' be awesome.



But for now. Not feeling anything sounds lovely. I can't feel, I can't hurt.



Screw you world. I don't care anymore.



Apathy. My Best Friend.

I feel strangely torn.



But I've felt this way my whole life.



I feel like I'm pulled in two directions all the time. I've been of two minds about everything. I don't understand why. I feel like I can never be at one with anything. There always has to be this duality to everything I do. I can't choose one way. I can't choose to be one person. I'm my own worst enemy. It's like this weird alter ego living inside of me, constantly yelling. Most people have that one voice that talks to them. Well I have two. And they fight. As amusing as that can be some days, I can't stand just doing nothing and letting them run wild because it makes me feel like shit.

Friend was over. I'd told her more than I should have I guess. I shouldn't have said anything at all. I thought I could trust her. I guess it's not her I'm really mad at. It's the fact she told everything I said to her mate, which I understand. He tells her that what I am and do is dangerous. He gets on his damn high and mighty horse and preaches to her about how he's sooooo incredibly knowledgeable (and I guess there's nothing he doesn't know about). So she then comes to me and in her own way voice his concerns (though doesn't tell me it's really him she's speaking for; I find that out later from my mate).



I knew it to. As they were leaving the club he's given me an odd look and I felt it right there. In his eyes.



Damnit.



I'm just freakin irritated now. I guess I just will avoid the subject in future interactions with them. I'll just be me and they can be them. If he doesn't like it well he can piss off. Either take me as I am or leave me alone. I change for no one but me.