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Ever since I've graduated high school, life really hasn't been the same. Not sure what I was expecting, honestly. It never would be the same even if everything hadn't happened. A summary on the past 6 months of my life: My grandpa died two weeks after I graduated; the family fell apart; my friend was raped, shunned by her family from the rape, then put into a psych ward because she thought no one loved her (so she tried to commit suicide); I almost ran away from my life again; my dad fell down two flights of stairs; and I'm lost in life, thinking that music was my passion to come and find out it's not. It's just a misery, so, of course, I'm changing my major but I'm not sure to what. I'm just getting my generals out of the way for now.



The good out of it all is that I graduated high school and I got through my first semester of college. In between October and November, my instincts kicked in. I became lustful and succumbed to temptation. Call me a slut if you wish, if you knew me in real life, you may think differently. I'm living a double life rather than running on slut fuel. And it only happens in the fall, though I'm not sure why.



One of the men I slept with is hitting on me because he's never had a friend with benefits...and honestly, I think I'm hitting on him as well. He talks to me like I'm alive and he treats me with passion, taking me on dates to eat and go to movies. I know, I live quite the sad life if I've never had sex out of love and I've never been taken out on a date before. But, unfortunately, it's true. Fucked up? Yup, that's me. But really, can you blame such a naive child? Though I'm not much of a child anymore.



I feel like I should go back to when I was 12, when all this really began...or maybe 9. But perhaps that's a bit too personal. More personal than what's already been said.



I don't know. I guess this entry is sort of a celebration. I finally feel like an adult instead of a child saying "I'm 18, do whatever the crap I want!" I feel like I don't have to convince my parents that I am grown up. I feel like I don't have to hide anything. I got through my first semester with a gpa of 3.6 and I no longer have to take those painful piano lessons. Don't get me wrong, my piano teacher at the university was awesome, probably the best teacher I've ever had, but I wasn't ready for what he was throwing at me.



Jazz improving, voice reading (I seriously hate the alto and tenor clefs), techniques on how I should hold my hands on the keys (that wasn't bad), memorizing each and every musical scale possible (that was torture but somewhat relaxing when I had the patience), and then there was the things I was used to: normal sheet music. Sonata K. 545 or K. 454 I don't remember....but the first movement is very well known by Mozart. I loved the developmental part from the Allegro out of that Sonata because it was so abrupt and minor keyed.



I compose music in minor key all the time. Then there was Music Theory class. First half of it, i valued like my life. Memorizing key signatures, what chords are minor, major, diminished, augmented and what seventh chords did the same thing as the triad chords. I can breathe that stuff every second of the day. But then we go into counterpoint and I'm scratching my head.



It's not that hard to pick up but it's just like "Why the hell do I need this?" I mean I do compose, so I would think it would be very valuable but...no....doesn't feel like it. That was somewhat torture. Luckily, I got an A in that class from somewhat knowing what I was doing.



The class I had the most fun in, though, was math. Intermediate Algebra. I'm not sure if it was the class, the teacher, or just the math itself but I had tons of fun. Another class I enjoyed was my English class. The teacher is very cool, if I didn't have him, I'm sure I would've hated the class.



Then there's my Theater class. I know how to act but if you're an actor, you know that it takes alot of your psych. I don't know who I am yet so acting really screws with my mind and makes me go more insane than music does. I've acted a lot in high school but now? I need to figure out who I am before I do anything.



I know I've changed compared to who I was in the summer. In the summer, I was so ready to get out into the world and now that I'm out there, I'm more cautious. I still have a lot of growing up to do but I'm not sure how much. I just know a lot because I feel so....submissive. And don't get me wrong, when it comes to bdsm, I definitely am submissive, but when it comes to my life, I need to dominate.



Which is another reason why I like this guy I've been having benefits with. I can see him dominating me in bed but outside of the bedroom, we would be able to be equals. Maybe I could even dominate him, who knows. And that's another reason why I'm screwed up. When I look at a relationship, I figure out who's the dom and who's the sub. Everyone should be equal. Or so the U.S. states.



Am I even a vampire? Who knows. I enjoy the forbidden, but I don't believe I am. I'm just a witch, trying to get my life straightened out along with my beliefs. I believe in the wiccan religion but my beliefs are very vague. I need a mentor for my religion, I feel. But oh well. Whatever happens will happen. I need to get good karma out if I need good karma in return. Thanks for listening to me ramble, whoever you are.