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so ive been sitting at my stand in the mall lately knowing that im out a job very very soon and i have been trying to figure out what to do next and i dont know and that really really frightens me...i dont know where my life is headed and what im going to do with it...ya no one has an idea at 21 but most people have a clue or atleast have 90 percent of a degree...i've done nothing since i graduated high school and have nothing to show for it...so have i really done anything with the past 4 years? have i just wasted time and money being just a face in the crowd, not moving ahead or back just staying a nothing, a nobody? ah well...who knows i just cant seem to find what i need and what i want is out of my reach for some reason or another whatever i dont care anymore if anyone knows what the hell is going on in my life please do me a favor...clue me in...cause im totally lost and i really dont even care anymore

those of you who know me know how i feel about relationships and my past...namely a certian someone who will remain nameless...i should be happy for her...she found a new boy who makes her happy and gives her everything she wants...he is at school with her and thats what she needs but i cant help but feel jealous and i still feel a great deal for her... i just cant seem to shake it and i think she still feels it for me and wont tell me anything about how she feels...i just want her to tell me she doesnt love me so i can fill the hole in my heart she'll leave...cause as of this second my heart is tearing appart and i cant do anything about it cause i dont know what to do...so please anyone...give me some adivce...

Im only writing in here because i need to vent and no one ever reads this so its like yelling in a sound proof room right? right. So have you ever wondered where you'd be if you never met someone or didnt make this choice or that choice? who youd be? i cant figure out who i am right now and its driving me crazy...i was defining myself by somebody else and not who i was inside...why cant i be alone? why do i always need someone to fill that void i feel? why cant i just be me and strong and single and alone? is there something wrong with me? for wanting affectoin, wanting someone to tell me its ok, hold my hand, or just smile at me. Love is a funny thing...much like a drug...once you get a taste of it, your hooked and all you can do is find something close to it to get a quick little fix, and if its not love your done with it before you know what happened. I got so hooked on the feeling i forgot all about who each of the two of us were and what directions we were heading and because of that i got hit with a truck when i wasnt looking. i dont know where my life is headed and for the first time im confuzed and unsure of myself and i hate this feeling. i felt strong and confident and even when my life had no direction in everyone elses eyes, i had support to know that i was doing what i thought was right...now...i just dont know...so if there is anyone out there who is reading this for whatever reason...if you see me on the street wandering without a direction...smile at me and say hi...you can keep walking if you want...just say hi...let me know there is hope...



Also, im unemployed too now...they closed my stand...so now im facing another decision...do i go back to school and start fresh as a 22 year old freshman? or do i get a real job and work my way up thru the ranks. i personally have no idea...im leaning toward school, but who knows if that will work out...i just need some guidance so any advice is great



On top of everything else, my mom is in the hospital again, its nothing major at the moment but who knows with this shit, all i know is that im scared for her and my family and that im not strong enough to deal with this stuff any more. im breaking down and cant control any aspect of this meaningless exisitance known as my life any way...who knows when i'll add more on here next but it doesnt make a difference, no one knows i type this so who the fuck cares right? right. any way...im off to sleep, or atleast lay in my bed cause i dont sleep anymore...ah well...sleep isnt that importaint is it?...*sigh*



Tim