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After a very tumultuous and turbulent week it seems I'm beginning to feel somewhat normal again. This has come at no small expense; physical, mental, or otherwise, but the results, I believe, are well worth the investment. Even though I don't feel I'm 100% I feel stronger than my old 100%. I'd say I'm straddling the line between 50% and 75% "normal", depending on the day. Some days are just harder to deal with than others.

I guess, ultimately, I looked to learn from everything that was affecting me this last week. I looked to be stronger than the initial reactions to and of pain. For instance, take the issues I was having in my love life (lol...bear with me). I could have chosen to be angry and feel hurt and cheated, and any other number of negative emotion, but I pushed to rise above that. It's confusing, but it's hard to be angry with someone you (supposedly) love (unconditionally) when they're happy. Also, and probably the hardest concept to grasp and apply, is that hurting me was never her intention. The reality of the situation is my feelings never were of any concern in her decision making. She was just doing for herself, and, to be brutally honest, no one can blame her, as we all do for ourselves. So who else can you be angry with besides yourself for being a poor judge of character? And why would you be angry with yourself as it's a common mistake, and people make mistakes.

I feel like I'm rambling, but if you can make sense of my thought process, and somehow it helps you, I'm glad.

Anyway...that's the main theme of this entry, really. Learning. Try to learn from everything that happens to you, no matter what it is. Even good things. Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's meaning is deeper. You can be just as enlightened by a good event as a bad one. It all depends on your perception of things.



I had to come back and edit this a bit, because I'd just though of an instance of learning from a good experience.

One day I was going to my sisters to follow her to a mechanic to get the brakes on her car worked on. It was winter, and on the way there my car spun out in the middle of the road. I had enough time to straighten my car out and get going in the right direction before traffic caught up to me. While I was initially annoyed and upset that it had happened, upon reflection, it was a good thing. I didn't hit anything. There was no damage done to the car. All it did was shake me up a bit.

Maybe that wasn't the best example, but there's a lesson in there somewhere.

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KarminaTheDarkAngel
04:31 Jul 07 2011

Life is a big lesson .. some are harder then others.

The trick is learning from them and moving on to the next one ...

Its never ending but as long as you view things as tests and lessons things are easier to accept

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I've been gone for a little while.

I really don't know what to say about anything right now. I just feel shell shocked and I'm trying not to buckle under all of this.



It all started with being told I'm now a Godfather to my best friend's daughter. Relatively happy news. I'm kind of excited about this, actually. It means a lot that somebody would trust their child in my care.

Next I get asked if I want to be hired on at my job. This is sort of good news. Obviously I've made a good impression through my work ethic. The problem is this place is hardly where I want to end up. Low pay, no benefits, grueling hours, and hardly any breaks. Plus, it's so dirty; I'm now recovering from a cold I undoubtedly got there.

I found out a few days ago that the woman I love has chosen someone else. I can't explain how I feel about this, honestly. She's a very sweet woman and scared from a hard past, and I feel if anyone deserves to be happy it is her. I got my wish at the expense of my heart. What confuses me is I had noticed a change in her...a distance. I remember telling her "if there is someone else, please let me know. The old saying "if you love something let it go" seems very fitting right now". She responded by saying "don't let me go". Did I misinterpret this somehow?

Anyway...some hours after that bomb had detonated my friend approached me once again. He's going to be moving to Florida in about 3 months...and he wants me to come with. Get out of here and get a fresh start somewhere new. The only pain I feel from this is I would miss everything I would be leaving behind. My family, most importantly. Two people in particular. My niece is like a daughter to me. I helped raise her from when she was a baby up until she was 7 years old. The other person in question is having issues, and is the next bomb to drop so far this week.

My mother needs another surgery on her back. The doctors believe she has another herniated disc in her spine. If we're lucky. If the degenerative disc disease hasn't eaten away at her spine to the point she needs a fusion. If it's just a herniation it can be fixed fairly easily, 24 hour hold at the hospital, and a week of bed rest at home. If it's worse than that and she needs a fusion...this would result in her being placed in a nursing home as she would be unable to take care of herself in any way...even being able to wipe herself. I don't know that I could leave with her in that condition.



So that's everything that's going on. If anyone has sent me a message or tried to contact me in any way, and I haven't responded it's because...I'm finding it very taxing to speak. I understand, I'm doing quite a bit of talking now, but this is like...therapy. Letting my problems out, instead of keeping them bottled up in my head.

The New Moon brings beginnings and endings to one's life.



Honestly, I'm hoping for some change, whatever form it comes in. The way things are now...they're not working. There's still a hole in my life...some need still unfulfilled. Then again, some needs supercede others. Perhaps I need to be more persistent in my patience.

I'm hoping to find clarity and resolutions to some nagging issues that have plagued me lately. The complication and general atmosphere of negativity that arose in May will hopefully be one of the issues that gets resolved. I hope for more transparency in dealing with certain people, if I continue to deal with them at all; and, should the need fit they be eshewed, the strength to pull through it to the end. Something I can personally work on is exerting even more control. And, should I be able to, perhaps I'll look into some classes I've been thinking about taking.



I hope June is a better month for all my friends and family, and anyone who might be reading this.

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Bellanova333
05:56 Jun 02 2011

Patience is a tough one, I myself was born with a serious lacking in that department haha, however it is something that can prove to be very fruitful. I wish you much luck in your endeavors and hope June goes better for you, here is to new beginnings (:

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