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There are changes ahead for me. Silent changes that will impact my life tremendously. We hear the old cliche of two roads this, path less taken that, but this, this is so much more than two divides, one clean, narrow and clear as crystal. The other: dark, chilling, open and welcoming. I have always found the second path enchanting but have been a fool to follow the first. Being 29 is a revelation. It's like breathing for the first time. I'm at my crossroads finally. After what seems to be eternity in fast forward.

Walking into a funeral parlor is like walking into a different persons dream. The akward silence of peoples wispers are overwhelming; pushing memories of their melancoly into your brain like witnessing a head on collison. You're heart pounds in your chest and all you want to do is help but fear overcomes the senses. I've been through too many funerals, so many that I can close my eyes and smell the overwhelming sadness that omits throughout the air. Everyone has the despaired twitch in one eye and the heavy quake in their breaths. I've often wondered, as do many, what happens after we die. Some believe that we either go to heaven or hell and others believe that we just "aren't" any more.



My friend and I lightly delved into a conversation of death and the confusion that it brings along with it as well as GOD, jesus, man and of course the good book. We talked about the people that are the extremeist...Bible thumpers as I like to say. I've often wondered if people are deeply religious because they have nothing more to believe in, or maybe that they are scared to be walking this world alone. Maybe it is just a way of life for some, perhaps they just don't know anymore than what they grew up learning. I grew up with the knowledge that God is God and that he loved me. When I was very young I was influenced by my best friend to sustain a relationship with God as a Baptist. I remember the smell of the church as I walked in with my lacey pink dress billowing around my body. It smelled exactly the same as a funeral parlor, strange. I attended the church for perhaps three years and the fad quickly strayed from my brain until later in my pre-teens. I found God again when I was thirteen.



I was volunteering at a nursing home where my mother worked as a housekeeper. I saw her bring so much joy to the people she cleaned after, to the people that knew they were dying. There was God hand in hand with death once again. I played games, played the piano and sung, and held Bingo games for the people who were still with their own minds enough to put the little red and blue chips over the numbers on their own cards. There was an old lady who had a lot of spunk and life in her heart that attended each time I held a bingo game. She always made a joke of B4 when I called out the number. "Before what?, before I die?" she would yell out jokingly, but she was the only one that ever laughed. I had already seen death at thirteen, I had lost my father at the age of two, a good friend Warren to Leukemia and I was about to lose a great friend named Scott who taught me my soul. Her joke was not funny to me then, but now I can understand her voice trying to cope as her life was fading in front of all of us.



I'm not going to sit here talk about all of the deaths that I've been through, or how I am an expert on coping. I'm not going to tell anyone that there is something better or worse. I refuse to pretend that I know that much about it. I wish I could get a better understanding on whatever is out there. I know that there is something up there guiding us to be better no matter what is going on in our lives. I know that because I feel the sun on my face and the wind through my hair. I know this because I just know. I think its ironic how death and religion go hand in hand, especially when death is among us.

COMMENTS

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Dragonrouge
02:19 Dec 22 2008

I died the second death!

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My entire life I've lived for others. My job, my family even the vast arrays of love that have fallen into my lap have turned into somewhat of a servitude. The past month or so, I've been dreaming of a different life. One where I can share my thoughts, ideas, dreams, fears ect ect with someone who is in my life for the 50/50 of it all. I'm not submissive, do not misunderstand, but I seem lost in the "How can I help you" attitude of life. It is really becoming a nuisance.

I serve the greater good, assisting those that can not in any form assist themselves with the basic needs. Things that we, as in most human beings that is, take for granted. I've often wondered if people without disabilities really see what they have exposed themselves to be. Driven by power, money and a lust of all that is grandiose.

Back to my rant and the point.

I have utterly failed to meet MY basic needs!

My basic need for love and the 50/50 has begun to tempt my thoughts to stray from what I've known for the past three years of my utterly disappointing existence. I was meant for more than this, I know it not only in my heart but in the blood that feeds my heart. I've wanted a change, a change that will lead me to new adventures, new brains to pick with my wit and conversation, and finally new possibilities of this craving of the 50/50. It's hard not to know everyone in the present company. One can only stay in a smaller city for so long before they know everyone in it but trust me, my city isn't that small. The big little city of Ohio. UGH! I long for three new dwelling areas.....

Boston- Seattle- Chicago

Maybe one day

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bat7777
04:48 Dec 21 2008

follow your soul's voice...

look, i have lived in 11 states and have never been afraid to pack up & move...

luckily, i found a place that suits me for now. i hope you find a place that suits you...

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