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i'm moving this weekend. i'm moving in with some friends. how can someone's life change so much in just a couple of months? i'm not really sure. its like a few months ago i knew where my life was going. i knew what i wanted, and i knew where i was and where i was going.



now everything is so up in the air. i don't have any clue what's going on. i'm moving again. i thought i was done with that. i'll be living with new people. doing new things. living a new life. maybe it will be good to make a change that i chose, instead of being thrust into one.



i'm so scared. i know it sounds silly. but i am. i'm so scared that i'm never going to find that happiness i once had. it seems like everytime i get comfortable something happens to change that. and when ever that happens i change. and im not sure if this change is for the good.



i feel angry and bitter. i hate knowing that other people are happy when i'm not. i never used to be like that. ever. i've always been one to be happy for other people's happiness. i found out my sister is pregnant with her fourth child and is getting married this summer. instead of being happy for her, i feel empty, jealous. she is living the life ive always wanted. a family of my own. thats all i could ever want. but for some reason i have a feeling its not in the cards for me.



the hardest part of this whole moving thing is finding things that are his that i missed when i packed his stuff up and handed them over to his friend. because everything has a memory. i decided im taking the bare minimum when i move. i used to hate starting over in a place, but this time its all i want to do. i just want to forget. i'm throwing out as much as possible.

lately i've started to hate myself again. i go through phases like this all the time but this time its harsher than usual. i can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. i just see someone i dont want to be. i see a fat lump that no one will ever want. im so proud of the progress ive made over the years ive lost over a hundred pounds. but still it doesnt feel enough. im not enough. im not pretty enough not thin enough not smart enough not strong enough not sane enough



its like no matter how hard i try im not good enough. looking at my job. i am one of the most knowledgeable agents on the floor and they never let me tech assist and my surveys do not reflect my preformance. noone knows im anygood or if they do they are ignoring it. now lets look at the fact that i live alone in a shitty apartment and i am single all over again because i just wasnt good enough.





and im having issues being a reformed cutter as thats all i can think about lately. its like i can picture it in my head. and i can almost feel the release that i crave so much. crying never feels like enough. i almost put a cigarette out on myself today but stopped myself barely. but i dont even really want to burn. i want to feel the blade of a razor make a straight slit on the inside of my leg, the blood streaming down. and that is why i am not sane enough. honestly what kind of person at random times of the day wants to hurt themself so bad that they can almost feel how 'good' it would feel. ...... i hate me

here are so many perceptions on reincarnation. I don't even know if I have a strong grasp on what my thoughts are as far as reincarnation goes. Some people believe that you are reincarnated based on the things you do in your life. If you are a bad person you are reincarnated into something crappy. Others believe you choose your next life. Some people believe that our past life memories are actually our ancestors memories being passed on through our genes. It's a really interesting thing, reincarnation. Because noone really has the answers, just like with any thoughts on what happens after you die. Everyone has their own thoughts and beliefs. Noone can be right or wrong because noone knows for sure.



My personal beliefs as far as reincarnation goes change often. They kinda mingle and mix with others. I believe that when a person dies, they choose whether or not to be reincarnated for the most part. I mean some people don't seem to really have a choice. But others definately do. That's why there are ghosts and spirits that hang around. They either don't know they're dead so don't go to summerland to be reincarnated, or they just don't want to let go of the life they had. Some even stick around because they have more to do in this life as a spirit. I don't think I believe that we choose our next life though. Because with some of the lives I have had I cannot figure out why on earth I would choose it. I think if we choose our lives we don't choose what happens in them. Because I believe in a mix of fate and free will. I believe there are major points in our lives we cannot control, but others that we change. It just depends on the paths we take to get to the major points as to how it will turn out. Thats why divination is such a fickle thing. Things you see in divination may very well happen sometimes it won't depending on the choices made that lead up to that point. Months back someone read cards for my ex saying I would get pregnant within a certain amount of time. It didn't happen. probably because we became twice as cautious as before. Now their card reading was not necessarily wrong but my exj and I made the decision not to let it happen. If that makes sense. I have had several card reading that have happened, because they were major points in my life that no matter what choices I made were going to happen anyways.



Ok I drifted off from reincarnation. ..... Where was I? Ok I do believe in soulmates. I believe that there is a companion who follows you throughout you lives. Whether you meet them in this life is a whole different story

So after having a great night out at the bar last night and stumbling in at the wee hours of the morning and going straight to bed. I woke up to jessie knocking on the door, need to go to waffle house for breakfast. Come home chill with jessie and then I notice it. OMG how did I not notice it earlier. I swear I have no idea if she was dead before this morning. I have no clue. But yeah one of my Rats is dead. Calypso. Omg I hate myself. No clue how or why. I did everything I was supposed to I fed them I watered them. I dont know. So on top of not even noticing the dead rat, the other one was stuck for god knows how long with her dead sister laying there..... OMG I should rot in hell for this shit. Because not only did I freaking kill the rat the other one is probably scarred for life.



And its not even my rat. When My fiance left me he left the rats behind. They were so his rats. They were his "girls" and he loved them... so I dont know if I should tell him or just let it be. I haven't talked to him in a couple of weeks and its been good. you know. and what if he blamed me and thought I did it on purpose I mean he already hates me as it is.... derek says that since CJ abandonned them its not my problem. I dont know... I just dont fucking know.

It's been about 3 or four years since I had aspell like last night. I'm trying to not be worried about it but when you don't have insurance you can't help but worry knowing you can't see a doctor.



Maybe its my brain, maybe it's my eyes. The doctors never really had an answer before so who would say they'd have an answer now. Statistics aren't very good on my eyes anyways so hopefully its just my eyes.



But I mean I am really scared that I could wake up tomorrow and not see anything. My sight could be completely gone. Then what would I do? What the hell would I do then?????

I used to think that if I worked hard enough, that I would actually achieve my dreams. But then I think about it and well did you ever notice how there are so many hard working people never get to do what they want to do.And its not like I have some out there dream that should be so unattainable. I just want a happy life spent with someone who loves me, a couple of kids and I nice home. I don't want to always worry about whether or not I can afford my apartment, or buy groceries. I don't want to be rich. But I am so tired of being poor.