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I don't know what to say. I've been having a down day/week. We're covering something in school I'm totally not comfortable with. I told my teacher I was probably going to have problems with it, but so far I've managed not to cry in front of poeple. (ok, there was once, but everyone either didn't notice or pretended not to notice- I think my teacher did, but was kind enough not to say anything.)



I went and got some one on one studying with my teacher yesterday- way too late, I should've got the help of tuesday or wednesday as opposed to the last schoolday before the test.

I don't know if I'm going to pass. I'm fairly competent on some parts of it but others it's like there's this huge blank space in my brain that refuses to let any knowledge in.



So, I'm having I want to be crazy day.



Ironically, for this summer apparently I'm into bright colors. It's like. . . . what's up with me? Am I that emotionally disturbed? Since I was like 19 whenever I painted something "happy" it meant I was in a really bad place. . . . so if I'm wearing "happy" bright colors does that mean I'm in a worse mental space that I even realize.

Huh, probly. Great. And my therapist is gone for Army Gaurd training for like three more weeks. Not that she's REALLY helping. . . .I don't know if she is. . . .or if I'm just not letting here. . . .she's like a peer. Some one I have to put the facade on for. Some one I have to pretend to be happy and normal for. . .

I'm trying to do the happy thing even though it seems to be against my nature. Type II's are always more moody and have a tendency towards the depressed end of the spectrum.

Sigh. But I am thinking I'm going to Manic my hair vampire red (ironically that's the name of the color) once I get my grades up. I don't want to do it and the teachers and director take it as oh she's given up and doesn't care if she looks appropriate.



On a nice happy note, I had a 94% average- uhtil this latest study term. I've failed like four tests (have yet to retake them) and my best grade so far has been an 82%. Somehow, I think my GPA is dropping. And I ruined my perfect attendance yesterday by being five minutes late- which according to school policy makes me 15 minutes late.



Wow I think all the caffeine got to me.



Oh, and on a really sick note- I'm getting a tan. I hate tans. I do not want to appear to be a sun worshipper like all those . . . .I guess the word is 'common' poeple out there with their bronzed skin and bright clothes and wannabe happy shiny personalities. . . .oh gods I've already got the bright clothes. . . . I'm doomed?



~Sharne

Hm. . . .looking for a coffin bed. Not like I can afford it. Or get one down the stairs to my apartment.

But one can dream now can't she?

I want a nice one with the woodwork on the sides. . .. one like poeple are actually buried i nowadays not some throwback. (Nothing really against classics, I just want a certain type of coffin)

The problem is finding what I want without a lid on the casket. The idea of getting stuck in it and not being able to open it back up. . . .shudder. Bad bad bad bats.

~Shanre

Ok, I've been suicidle (suicidal?) the last few days, maybe the last week. I've also been wanting to bleed, draw my own blood, hurt myself. I don't will to do either but I want to.



I want attention for it only because I want some one to listen to me and some one to help me express what is bothering me so much that I want to do these things.



I'm very much a liar, a faker in my own life. I pretend to be ok to myself until something starts to put cracks in the walls I've put around my pain and then suddenly I want to do these things.



I would like to be honest. I would like to be open. But I 'know better'. In my mind that's what it is. Don't let poeple know who you are, Sharne, they'll hate you, laugh at you, shun you, deny your feelings exist. . .

I'm working on being open and honest about things. I'm going with the policy where I don't declare these things to the world, but I don't deny it when/ if I'm asked.



I just. . .gods I don't know what I want. Ok, I know what I want. Blood. Not mine, but the craving is back. I'm hypersensitive to it when I'm feeling down on myself and I think I feel down more because I don't get it (blood).



Ok, so it's in my will (I think) to get blood. Maybe I should actually start looking for a way to get it. But seriously, what am I supposed to do, go to a blood bank and say 'hey can I have some?'? Maybe I should spell for it. But then, the ramafications could be extreme.



~Sharne