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the phone rings and i pick it up, its my ex and hes freaking out... hes stuck 4 hours away from home with no way back and is experincing panic attacks and had been for about the last 2 month only lately it had gotten worse.

funny part? ive had aggoraphobia depression and severe panic attacks for about oh 7 years now. and for about 4 or 5 he was with me through it.

i dont think he ever really realized what i was going through espcielly now that hes having them he cant understand how on earth i didnt go screaming and thrashing and freaking out but instead suffered my way through them in silence with for the very worst ones maybe needing a dark quiet place.

he tells me he cant handle it is going to get commited unless i can come and get him. transmissions going so well hes screwed.

i went for 2 years without medication of anykind unable to leave my house for 6 mohts of that time and never once had myself comitted.

panic attacks make you think your going to die and lasted me anywhere from 30 seconds to a whole freaking day.

I understand how people can think that im fine, that theres nothing wrong with me, i suffer in silence.

apparently not only am i stronger than anyone thinks i am, im stronger than i think i am.

Ok im fucking depressed im lonely im sick of being bored i wish i could take a drive alone go someplace alone do anything i used to without having to have someon go with me because ill freak out alone....



i want to fall asleep with someoen holding me, feeling satisfied, needed wanted and loved.



im sick of having these damn depressed days and i want my own place where everything i own i can see and play with and decorate and never have to move ever ever again.....



bitch bitch bitch moan moan moan GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh.



ok im not better now but ill be fine tomrow surely to be my fucking over positive self once more.



fucking geminis.

yeah im enthusiastic and stupidly naively positive, im not sure why ive been fucked over so many times i should be way more bitter bitchy and such but im a diehard positive fuck it i live my life how i want to live and if i can lookj back in a few years and say i wouldnt have changed a thing, that every desicion i made no matter how fucking stupid was made for the right reason? thats how i know ive lived a good life=)