The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Forgive your enemies
20:49 Apr 14 2008
Times Read: 632

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'



80% held up their hands.



The Minister then repeated his question.



All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.



'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'



'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.



'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'



'Ninety-eight.' she replied.



'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'



The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:



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I outlived the bitches!

Bubba thinks fast
20:44 Apr 14 2008
Times Read: 633

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.



The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'



The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.



'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.



'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is

The fastest thing I know of.'



'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The

Blink of an eye, that's a very popular

Cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.



'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.



The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It 'S hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.



Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.



Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing

The previous three answers, it's obvious to me th at the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'



'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.



'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the

Other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'



BUBBA is now the new greeter at a

Wal-Mart near you!

Hah!
21:24 Apr 09 2008
Times Read: 639

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit.



Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup.



I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.



She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.



I told her that was what the beer was for.





I don't think she's coming back

Didn't see that one coming
21:20 Apr 09 2008
Times Read: 640

One night, a man and women are at a bar downing a few beers.



They strike up a conversation and quickly discover they're both doctors.



After about an hour, the man says to the women, ''Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun. ''



The woman agrees. So they go back to her place.



She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 - 15 minutes.



Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.



Afterwards, the man says to the woman, ''you're a surgeon, aren't you?''



''Yeah, how did you know?''



''I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started. ''



''Oh, that makes sense,'' says the woman.



''You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?''



''Yeah,'' says the man, a bit taken aback. ''How did you know?''



The woman answers, ''I didn't feel a thing.''

The Dreaded Gyno Visit
21:17 Apr 09 2008
Times Read: 641

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office

to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.



I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I

didn't have any time to spare.



As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick

wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.



I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.



I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the

table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?



I didn't respond.



After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."



I'M NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR, EVER!!!

THE HORTH WHITHPERER
17:19 Apr 09 2008
Times Read: 642






If you don’t laugh out loud at this, you’re just not trying!!



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.



His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"



"That’s easy; he’s a midget with a speech impediment."



So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."



So he shows him a prized filly.



"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?



So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.



"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?



So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.



"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf"?



The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.



"Nith mouf, can I thee her twat"?



Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.



The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

Mexican word of the day, "chicken"
20:17 Apr 07 2008
Times Read: 645

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My wife wanted me to go to the store, pero chicken go herself.