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Sometimes it is so over whelming to have to put yourself in a situation with someone, to have to be the one who gives in just a little.



I find myself so guarded by my own fears of rejection that I turn on the cold water, I hate that about myself.

Why do I let the past get in the way of everything that could be good in my life? Instead I settle on cold dark and lonely, not alone just lonely.

I have someone who wants to be great and give me their all but I just keep on pointing that 10 foot stick at them...keep your distance, you may be a danger to me once again, so stay back.



Which leaves me with, where does forgiveness come from, I mean really, where do you find it? Is it to come from the other person, in their actions and how they repent for how they have wronged you or does it come from inside of me, do I take it all and just say "well, oh my, this really feels like a sword that you have just stuck through me but I know that the right thing to do is to forgive you, so here it is". (bloody heart in hand)

I have not been able to do this and it is making my life miserable.

I am always fighting the past that torments me. I am sick from these things and I think that they are killing me... I am slowly and painfully going to end up dead, only my heart will still have a beat, only my beautiful heart...DEAD.