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Ok I dont get it anymore. I am lost. I feel like I have given up. I want to give up this thing that is hurting me so much. This thing that makes me uncertain of everything. This thing that beats my mind waking and sleeping seconds of this bad dream. But still I remain chained to it. Like it is my destiniy. Like there is nothing better out there. Or there is, im just not worthy. A friend told me the otherday that we are stupid because we hold onto these things that destroy us...Is he right? Probablly but again. I dont know what I am doing anymore.



I had a break down the other day and just needed to talk to someone that would understand. So i talked to this girl who claimed she felt the same way as I did. she said my secrets were say with her. But they wernt. Lied to again. I feel so special. She ended up telling someone else. Another friend of mine. He told me what she said. Then rage stremed through me and I just want to hit something or her. I wanted to confront her but I knew that if I did that I would fuck up his and hers friendship. Because she told him not to tell me. What ever I am not that juvinile so I guess I just keep my mouth shut and let whats bothering me decay my heart. Maybe if Im lucky I will become numb again...But we all know what I have to do again to acomplish that...but I cant return. I promised myself.

Fuck it , im close very close to snapping. Today is the year aniversery of when a freind of mine jumped in front of a train. So I ask a favor: call all your rock stations and request the song Chop Suey By System of A DOwn. Tell them that is in Memory For a boy from Cedar Rapids, Iowa that ended it all because all the angels in his life had died. I do this every year on this day. This is the story of his life. I would say his name but he always told me that he hated it. Because his father used it when he beat him. He was the bigest system fan and a loving carring human being. Why do we do this too our selves?



The song my band and i wrote in loving memory. We play it today.



SILENCE UPON THE TRACKS By:Once upon a Razor



Below the broken street light

The glass still flickers orange

Below the cloudless filled sky

Tears splash upon the wood



Cabels stringed from side to side

The trees are swaying sound

One bright star into the Sky

The silence is all round



Flickering up and down

Flickering left to right

Flickering up into the midnight

As the train goes passing by

Flickering up and down

Flickering left to right

Flickering up into the midnight

As the train goes passing by



Flesh is sleeping upon the tracks

And the rails are kissed with blood

Your Face an unreconizable mask

Was this the way it was?



Depression had emerged from your mouth

And the doors behind you slammed

Around the thoughts of termination felt

So falling was your plan



Flickering up and down

Flickering left to right

Flickering up into the midnight

As the train goes passing by



Thank you for all your help.