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Another day has come and passed and I have noticed a change in my path. I feel as if I have altared my religion. Some of the things I had believed in I am walking from.Why I am unsure but it doesnt seem to be bothering me. I must be sick. I am sick.



Im feeling alone in my mind again. The only thing different I feel as though I cant escape. I have done so well this past year and it seems I have taken a fall back. Im waiting to hit the bottom again. And it is indeed a long fall. I thought that the blades were gone for good and the bottles but away. I guess Ive chosen to revieve them once again...



But why?

as a good friend of mine once told me: you dont need names in a relationship. all you need is a heart. you never have to use that lable and have it imprison your mind into one catigory. We must strengthen the unknowns. WE are the unknowns. We are no one. Nothing special just another being set to do a series of random tasks. Dont hold yourself back. ever. with anything.





This friend of mine has passed on. Read my storie 'Circle' but what he means is that we are all equall when you strip away out money and skin. How they people are scared ofthe unkknowns and how we need more of them. more of the nameless. And when we have suscsessfully done so it is the first step to eliminating lables. Then we truly could be equal. We do not rise above anyone. And we should all do these random tasks as we wish butwith out praise and regret. Do them for what they really are.



Again...I dont think anyone understands but Him and I.

This entry will make no sense to those who have not read my storie...



...how did this happen? I can't even bring myself completely to reality about it. I just remember it as if it were a bad dream. And His words. His last request, "Join Me"



I cant clearly remember that day. But only bits. Almost like a film negatives that have been tampered with. You dont quite recieve the full image.



Why could we be together only in death? It makes no sense. And because this month was the second year aniversery of His morbid fatality, I had to let someone I really cared for go. I feel as though Im not being loyal to either when I am with them both at once. I cant bring myself to act as if Hes gone. Actually this mystery soul, I shall keep un named, is a memeber of this site. And It wasnt until this minute I had the words to tell him how i feel and why I ended a perfect beautiful thing. I wonder if he understands Him. Am I confusing you now?

Im so sorry that I was unable to tell you. My voice was broken. I am sorry I made up excuses and practiced them. I miss you...but I am a prisoner...maybe you will understand.



Or am I just lingering on this too long. Have I let it captivate and control my life? Maybe. The images I saw... the way His eyes stared me down...and for once i feared Him.

This is a question that I have no answer for. But there are so many possibilities...



Is this world just a game for the Gods? Are we all just individual players and they have already set up everything that is going to happen? DO we even live our own life? Is this all just a test for Judgement Day. We wont know until we recieve game over.



I have also begun to think that we are all alone. Because you yourself is the only actual being that is being tested. Everyone else is just a robot given certain tasks to follow out this Gods plan. you see we wont ever know the truth until we have perished.



Then there is the question : What happens when we die? Do we burn in Hell that is as bad as our world today? Do we just die and nothing goes on. Just like being trapped in a bitch black closet. Not being able to move think speak or anything. Your just dead. Or are our soul reused? For all we know this could be the 14th person Ive been but I just dont remember. THey ereased all of my brain. It makes sense. Why burrie things that can be reused. Its a waste.



Some may say Im tripping over nothing. But what they dont realize is: Im not tripping. Just simply facinated...

For those who have read my profile, I am now staring my walk. A walk to discover what I am suposed to do for others. How to make this world better. It almost seems impossible because you can never get rid of an idea. Once it is thought it cant be ereased. And this world likes to make those thoughts come to life just to see if it can take control. It will only get worse due to when ever someone builds a bigger mouse trap someone has to build a bigger one.



I dont think many people realize that the US has a bomb that can dismember us all. And it only takes one person to ask if it really works and then we ar extinct. Actually we have enough bomb power to turn the earth into dust nine or so times over. Someday someone might just push that button. And we arnt the only country that has it. Thanks to the ARMS RACE.



This world makes me cry. I was reading a book and it makes an exellent point. Why did mostof the survivers from the Holocoust became Vegans? Because they know what its liek to be slaughter like animals. It all makes sence.



And then there are all the movies and tv shows that feed our minds the thrill. But what it has done is make us numb to the fact that all the things you see actually are happing. Some where right now someone is dying, being rapes, or being forgotten. What is in us that makes us crave human suffering for entertainment? answer me that.



Again this world makes me cry.