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...SO what I thought was a lasting love ended up in another tradgety. Whom I was in love with and still am has decided there are better bodies to fuck. Pregnant bodies to be exact. SHe seems nice but i don't knowher. It isnt his baby but he wasn't going to break up with me either. March 14th would have been our first year but it turns out that he has been cheating on me from day one. Thats ok. I guess with time I will move on I guess I just wasn't that important to him. After all the times he made me bleed and shed tears of compasion and truth. All the times i thought I was the the problem. All the time he bled I thought were from me. Maybe they are. I didn't think it would end up this way. BUt it has. I never cheated on him and I was always honest. He lacked those qualities I guess. Maybe someday he will read this and miss what he lost. I would have made him happy but no one is capable of that. Durring the day hedoesn't haunt my mind but at night he is all I think of. I miss him already and he has no idea. Im missing the times we spent together but i guess i was just another problem on his plate. I feel used and abandoned. Especialy after what physical barrier he left to lie on my skin. WHat was I thinking. He ruined my life by saving it and I have to keep myself from thinking about him. I wish he really knew how I feel about him. But like I said, someday he just might.



"Trash"



How did it start?

Well, I dont know.

I just feel the craving.

I see the flesh and it smells fresh.

And it's just there for the taking.

These little girls they make me feel so god damn

exhilarated.

I feel them up, I can't give it up.

The pain that I'm just erasing.

I tell my lies and I despise.

Every second I'm with you.

So I run away and you still stay.

So what the fuck is with you.



Your feelings I can't help but rape them.

I'm sorry I don't feel the same.

My heart inside is constantly hating.

I'm sorry I just throw you away.



I don't know why I'm so fucking cold?

I dont know why it hurts me.

All I wanna do is get with you.

And make the pain go away.

Why do I have a conscience?

All it does is fuck with me.

Why do I have this torment?

All I want to do is fuck it away.



I tell my lies and I despise.

Every second I'm with you.

So I run away and you still stay.

So what the fuck is with you.



Your feelings I can't help but rape them.

I'm sorry I don't feel the same.

My heart inside is constantly hating.

I'm sorry I just throw you away.



I just throw you away.

I just throw you away.

I just throw you away.

I just throw you away.





This was Jared and I's song that we first sang together. It makes sense of our realationship now. He is in rehab...again. And I am at my grandparents to get away from everything. and I dont knwo what i feel anymore for him. I havent spoken to him for weeks except when he called me from rehab and i told him i still want to talk to him. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! I wasn't i don twant to talk to him because it only hurts more. I already feel like I am making a mistake. But I have a REALLy good guy friend that his helping me out whether or not he realizes it. We hang out all the time and I don't know....Hes awesome. Our relationship didnt really kick off until this year and I think Im gonna see if he wants to do something the week since it is spring break.



Any adivce that can be given to me with this Jared deal? Proablly no t I just dont get how someone can be so convincing but then use you the whole time your together. Its not the fact that he lied to me. Its not the fact he constantly cheated on me and then had the balls to acuse me of cheatin on him WHICH I NEVER DID!!! But I almost wish I would have just so I didn't feel so used. Its the fact that the whole time I thought I didn't know and that I was just another stupid girl. Well fuck that. I AM noT STUPID!!!!!!!!!! Just because I didn't say anything didn't mean that I didn't know it. And If Your reading this now Jared...All I can say is with this new amber girl youve met your match. She is just like you She wont stay by your side actually shes has a boyfriend and its not you. Wwll iguess your her second one and she gets around quite often because I know people... She wont be there when you get out. I would have been. But you couldnt even own up to the shit youve done. You threw away and ruined something good. I wish that I would have never even talked to you i wish that I never wen tto that FUCKING ART SHOW!!!! YOU HAVE NOT FUCKING IDEA WHAT YOU HAVe DONE TO ME AND I WONT EVER BE THE SAME!!!!!!!! AND YOU FUCKING KNOW WHY!! EVERYDAY I WOULD WAKE UP THINKING THAT IF YOU LEFT ME I WOULD REFUSE TO GO ON WITH MY LIFE!!!!!But that doesnt matter to you. Nothing matters to you. you want soemthing that you can't be and I don't feel sorry for this. And I hate it because for all this time I thought the problem was me but I know I did almost everything right. Just because I couldnt be by your side physically doesnt mean that I wasn;t there for you mentally. YOU JUST NEVER TALKED!!!!!!! I feel like I mean nothing to you and I hate myself because I still love you. You can't just stop lovign someone after they saved your life but you will never understand even though you think you might. Im glaad i never explained it to you because you would probably just throw it in my face along with everything else. Good luck finding someone that will always be there and this understanding. You need to get your ass kicked and get some reality in your head. Your living in a world of lies and denile. Your getting what you diserve. And like I said before is this how you know it was true love, when it hurts this bad? One last thing fuck you.



Im glad that I was just another piece of Trash to you...